16.03.2021

(TW: Food). I cant stop binge eating ever since my mom went. I've become so careless, but I wanna be ok again. I feel so confused. Not alone but, confused. My best friend of 5 years hast met me ever since summer holidays have ended. She always gets a new boyfriend. I don't understand. I know she doesn't do it for love. She does it, because she likes being in relationships. I hate her boyfriend obsession. I hate 2020. It ruined everything for me. My mom is gone, my best friend is gone, my weight increased and I feel miserable. So much stress is on my shoulders. All I wanna do is escape. All I want is someone to understand but they dont. Nobody notices and it makes me sick. Am I an attentionwhore or plain desperate? I just feel so lost. Everything happened at once and now I'm confused. In summer, were gonna visit relatives in turkey. I wanna lose weight until then. I'm gonna walk 10.000 steps, not eat after 6pm and mianly try to fill myself with fruits and vegetables. Today I walked 10.000 steps which I was really proud of but ended up binging. Tomorrow I'm gonna cut the sugar, walk and hope I'll be perfect by summer. Please don't associate this with me though. These are only my thoughts. I only know a perfect version of myself, but for everyone it's different and everyone expects something different, I love you, ok? Don't harm yourself, You don't deserve that.