college is overwhelming. Boyfriend is sad and so am I. We're mad too mad at the world. We wanna be little kids in a field again. We would've been such good friends when we were tiny humans. We are now too, but the existential dread allows us 5 minutes of naturally secreted serotonin a day. The rest is up to the sex, weed, and beers. The hive mind is ruining my life. 5th grade math is stupid and shouldn't exist and the feelings music gave us in fith grade still should exist. I have a sh*t ton of paper money to save. If my aunt wouldn't have stolen my great grammas farm from my mom I bet it would be mine. Hatefulness and jealousy and tiredness fills me everyday. These damn people and their damn masks and their damn big ass ducking houses and their well paying jobs that they stole from my boyfriend. F*** you
college is overwhelming. Boyfriend is sad and so am I. We're mad too mad at the world. We wanna be little kids in a field again. We would've been such good friends when we were tiny humans. We are now too, but the existential dread allows us 5 minutes of naturally secreted serotonin a day. The rest is up to the sex, weed, and beers. The hive mind is ruining my life. 5th grade math is stupid and shouldn't exist and the feelings music gave us in fith grade still should exist. I have a sh*t ton of paper money to save. If my aunt wouldn't have stolen my great grammas farm from my mom I bet it would be mine. Hatefulness and jealousy and tiredness fills me everyday. These damn people and their damn masks and their damn big ass ducking houses and their well paying jobs that they stole from my boyfriend. F*** you
Last time I posted something it was about how betrayed I felt. I no longer feel betrayed, but I do feel conflicted. It's not like I don't already have trust issues but now they're just not being taken seriously. It's not like they have ever been taken seriously anyways... T-T I just can't seem to understand others. I always get too flustered to stay around them for more than greetings. Like no I don't care about ____ I'm sorry I just don't dude, I don't care about anyones ex, I care about now and people trying to get to know me. Is it BAD I expect kids older than me to take care of me and teach me in some way... Like can they not see in in my eyes that I desperately need some guidance??? If I was at a party and there was someone 5 years younger than me, walking around, looking scared as hell, I would try to show them love and support. Wouldn't you..? Whatever. Realistically I know I'm legally an adult and what I do for myself and my life is in my little hands... but GOD FORBID I got a little help.
My stomach hurts just thinking about social situations. Writing this all out I feel entitled and weak as f***. I would probalbly call myslef a "Pu$$y a$$ b*tch" if i didn't know myself so well.. I could literally sit under a tree for an hour and call it good. I'd leave feeling completly satasfied even..
Jesus.. I don't know.. Maybe im just a sensitive piece of sh*t.
Went to sleep last night and with the feeling of a hot rod poking through my temple, now my eyes wont open all the way. This morning I got up with the plan to do a ritual, now when I say "ritual" I dont mean nothing serious. I take it seriously but I know that it isnt being conducted in a traditional manner and that makes me feel like I'm not allowed to do it my half ass, baby poo poo way. I know some witches say you can practice anyway you like aslong as you are being true to yourself. Something in myself always wants to be as legit and respectful to tradition as possible. Maybe it's just imposters syndrome ....
I started by writing my intentions down and what I hoped to be getting out of the ritual. I also wrote what I would be offering to Artemis today at the big mountain lake. ( I will be offering her Beer and a lavender bundle, aswell as the ashes from ritual) after I wrote my intentions down in my journal I tore it out and folded it up. I then began to ask Artemis for relief from the situation I described. I thanked her and cleansed my makeshift cauldron and begun to start a fire with a paper bag.
I ate leftover mexican food while my letter burned and I immediately began to feel sad. I wish I could've just cried there and let it all out of me. The city is too busy for me, I need peace to have release. I know if I mourned here I would scare people and I dont want them to worry for me. I dont even know why I still feel the need to mourn something that logically feels so childish. My heart still aches for reasons I feel that others grow out of. I often feel like I may be missing some important information haha..
I will complete the ritual tonight. It feels wrong to leave it open ended and its important to follow through with ritual involving Gods or Goddesses or the Fae . they'll be salty at you if you don't follow through with promises made.
I just got done picking raspberries and lavender. The lavender was for my boyfriend and the raspberries are for me. I was told you can make paint out of them but I just couldn't do that, they taste too good.
When the week begins I always feel hopeful that I'll do a good job but it's only Wednesday and I'm loosing momentum. I need a new job, hopefully something I will enjoy, like playing with dogs or sleeping, or maybeeee playing outside! I'm trying to put out good energy for the everyone and myself. There's so much pain On the earth I wanna just hide but I know I have to be brave for me. The sun feels so good on my back but so bad in my eyes. I wish I could write a song about it. It would make whoever was listening to it feel the sun on them too. I want to swim in a big lake and float with my eyes closed. Soon hopefully!
overstimulated
flirty
Realistically I know I'm legally an adult and what I do for myself and my life is in my little hands... but GOD FORBID I got a little help.
anxious
content