05/18/2021 06:41 PM  drug diary Pretty simple trying to keep note of drugs i've tried Alchohol - not exciting, but effects include extreme joy, mild brain fog, change in normal movement, possible tiredness, lack of rational thinking when alone extreme sadness worst experience most likely my first time drinking when I threw up all over Arabs floor and then had a hangover for days general hangover - moderate Weed - Depends on strain, but typically mild hallucigenics more closely described as change in normal perception, for example colours may seem more bright, patterns may be more notable; euphoria or feeling of numbness, detachment from self, change in perception, tiredness, laughter associated with said euphoria, lack of speech associated with numbness, lack of hearning or significant change in hearing, blurred vision, epiphanies, dry mouth worst experience - bad trip alone in room felt like I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, extreme headache, paranoia, general feeling of dsicomfort No comedown or hangover Citalopram (10mg) (anti anxitey/ anti depressant) - Little effect, mood swings, drowsiness, moments of euphoria, easiness with communication, irritation, loss of appitite, dry mouth, aches easy to become reliant despite little effect, physcial effects of withdrawl mild comedown, experiences of anxiety (30 mg) - intense detachment + floating feeling, dizziness, haziness, blurred vision, mood swings intense comedown, thought I was going to die, extreme anxiety Aderall - short euphoria and connection with others, one thought mind a.k.a. only able to maintain one solid thought, mild increase in focus but decrease in memory, dry mouth, inability to eat, neausea, headaches, mild attachment from self No worst experience currently moderate to extreme comedown - very short comedown, similar to that of mdma, feelings of emptiness, regret, depression and lack of hope Mdma - (most extreme high so far) deep connection to universe, intense extroversion, lack of rational thought, euphoria, mood swings, dry mouth, inability to chew or eat, hightened libido, gurning, need for closeness, shakiness, lack of thirst and inablity to monitor water intake worst experience - first time involved me messaging every person I knew with no filter e.g. told boy I wanted to makeout with him, told other boy he was weird and creepy comedown - EXTREME, 30 mins to an hour, high anxiety, deep regret, feelings of complete isolation and lonliness, disgust at others and self (next day often have red marks asscoaiated with thirst and increased extroversion) 0 Comments

03/06/2021 09:10 PM  rat smashing game? ohhhhh I got this weird game where you smash rats and I've been playing it in between school work. It's so weird. no idea what I'm sposed to do. Was on face time with Ly the other night and neither of us could figure it out, but it seems fun. 0 Comments

03/06/2021 09:01 PM  feeling not so good I feel alive for the first time ever, and it's terrifying. I've never really been fully here; my mind was always set to a steady null, but now it's awake and I don't know what to do with all this feeling. It should be amazing, but honestly it's horrible. I'm happy I can feel I just wish feeling wasn't so hard. I feel like I should be more, do more, as though if I was just slightly more I could be something so brillaint. I could be so much more than i am, but instead i'm just me and I have to deal with this intolerable amount of emotion and there are days where i wish I didn't feel anything again. You can't be a let down if you feel nothing at all. I'm better now though. my stress and sadness means I'm better. I wish healing was easier though.   0 Comments

02/13/2021 10:35 PM  got no proper friends feel like i've lost all my friends. My DnD team broker up (mate gave up on it), got stuck in a group of girls at school. Don't get along well with em. Don't mean this in anyway but the way u talk to girls an guys are different. They all get grossed out at everything, talk about clothes and sh*t and can't talk to em bout girls. I get so bored, so I'm avoiding them. As out completely cause she's high risk. Can't see outa school friends cause they all live so far, not that close to most of em anyway. There's Ly and tye and khanh who i'm close to, but part from that I only end up talking to people who I wanna sleep with. I like the validation of getting close to soeone you know likes you. Mole got a boyfriend again. She does that every now and again, it lasts bout a week before they break up and she ends up telling me how pissed she is at them.  She always tells me we can't make out when she has boyfriends, but we always get drunk enough to anyway. Me and fletcher are getting high on Tuesday. Fletchers always been chill, but he's the only proper friend I have round here. Then there's the backups. The people I can always message and ask to hang out cause they have no one else. Feel bad for em cause no matter wat I say they always take it an come back. Even out of them, Fraz couldn't hang out the other day. She was busy all week. So I ended up staying at home. Anyway I need more friends. 0 Comments

02/13/2021 10:27 PM  call of duty wanna get the new call of duty for ps5 but we sold it before cause it was super f***ing glitchy and we had to update it every 3 seconds. Got my PC back cause the motherboard was broken before, might move the ps5 up to my room (if i can sneak it past my parents). Found this weird game on steam can't remember the name but you have this character and you go around killing monsters and stuff. Kinda retro vibe, like minecraft but more chill.  0 Comments

12/29/2020 12:44 PM  steams sh*t why are no good games free to play >:((( im not playing $40 for cyberpunk man 0 Comments

12/09/2020 09:40 PM  09.12.20 what would i write if i could... there's a chronic fog that comes over the world on days like these. Seemingly endless. I stare across it all and struggle to recognise what's real and what's some warped pretrial of reality that's announced itself in my bathroom sink. I suppose in a deeper way it doesnt matter what's real anymore. or at least i don't care anymore. It seems so weightless yet still there are moments i find myself stuck under the heavy grip of nothing. It rests on my shoulder, breathes in my ear and all at once i am imovable and under the arm of it all i lose a part of myself. i no longer desire to be free at all. should that frighten me? it doesn't. maybe i'll write more when i don't feel like this. idk. 0 Comments

10/20/2020 11:10 PM  feeling alone Sometimes I get this kinda lonliness that I can't ignore. It doesn't matter how many people who love me or how many people I can see love me, sometimes I just can't feel that love. I spent my life chasing people trying to chase away that feeling. The more friends I had the more friends I wanted and no matter how many friends I had I never felt like I had enough.There was a point in my life where i went to parties almost every night, had girls I liked and girls how liked me, I was popping pingers with alchohol and running from cops became a weekly thing. And there was a point in my life where I had no one, spent every wekend alone and sent f***ing paragraphs to a girl who could never give a f*** about me. Want to know something? You never stop feeling that loneliness, that need to be normal, that need to have more. At a point you realise it isn't about who you surround yourself with, it's about you. Maybe I'll never stop feeling like this, but right now I'm just trying to make it through. 0 Comments

07/09/2020 08:24 PM  some1 buy me salami Current mood:  hungry weirdly I'm really craving salami right now, but a few issues with that: 1. I'm vegatarian 2. It's almost 2am and all the shops are closed 3. I do not have the money for salami so im jus gon pretend i'm eating salami  0 Comments

07/09/2020 08:18 PM  hair Jus cut my hair and oml I look like such an egg...a friend of mine really wants me to straighten it right now, but i would become a full f***ing roadman if i did so ima dodge that...if anyone knows how to fix a complete f*** up of a haircut hmu :,p 0 Comments

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