06/25/2021 03:01 PM  june gloom everything is slowly going back to normal - along with a few revrbished things - which im very happy about. it's about time. i'm currently writing this is the bathroom with the light off, not that this has anything to do with anything, but i'm trying not to let grandma be concerned or weirded out by it lol. excuse me if this blog post doesn't sense, ritchie woods is plying in the backround and it's a bit distracting to say the least, but at least the current ambiance is calming down my thoughts that could possibly stop me from ruining it. he needs to release new music soon. hope he's okay. anyway, it feels nice not trying for once. not that i ever did (trying to try is hard too, if that makes any sense) but sh*t.. putting in effort where it's not reciprocated in the same way can really hurt. i'm tired of letting people hurt me. i still have things to work on and that's ok. but i like to think i'm getting better gradually. i also need to remind myself for the future - because we all know this isn't gonna last forever - that it's normal for recovery to not be linear. june was one of the most physically draining months yet, and im so glad it's almost over despite everything. i equally acompanied friends n loved ones while completely ignoring them. it really is possible to be dissconected from existance one minute then be brought back into it so easily the next. current obsessions: britpop, reading, sugar free orbit gum, decorating, daria-core, taking breaks from reality, long nails, the color green. happy cancer season (gross) and f*** the retrograde. peace. 0 Comments

06/03/2021 10:16 PM  momentary bliss, i think Current mood:  numb it's been almost a month since my last post and things are still the same. i know, sh*tty isn't it? things are for sure gonna change soon tho. like i swear there's already progress. for starters i have a birth certificate now! i'll be making my appointment for my id and permit in a couple weeks. just have to wait until the things that must not be named go away finally. my birthday is coming up too next friday. i feel like i should be more excited than i am. idk i just hope it's a good day and the days surrounding it. i know i complain about the stress i've been under but to be honest it feels nice to worry about real life things again instead of the thoughts in my head. i'm telling you guys, just hold on a bit longer and everything will be content again yk? just don't give up because good things are coming. man i need to take my own advice,, i really hope things get better soon, i just don't want to slip again. peace. 0 Comments

05/06/2021 06:15 PM  pls think 4 me i cant bear 2 the energy in the house has been weird lately. maybe it's because i haven't been in it as much. lot's of good things and, now, equally not so good things have been happening, which is why im not used to this feeling. is that was normal life was like? has it really been that long? a year and some months doesn't seem that long, does it? too many questions, i apologize. anyway, to put it short my grandma might not live for much longer. the shock is still there so i feel numb at the moment. i don't want the kitten anymore, the timing is too sh*tty. i've been binging sooo much lately man i love my friends dearly but holy f*** i don't wanna eat anymore. my body is so out of wack now i'm late on my period once again (surpise surprise). normally i don't start out with the bad news/updates first but the bad things are pretty much the only things on my mind right now. it would also seem selfish to gush about the good things. hmm. i'll save that for another post. peace. 0 Comments

04/23/2021 03:18 PM  eat my shorts (and my food) :/ i really miss when food didn't feel like a chore. i can't explain how sh*tty it is to feel guilty after doing omething as simple a eating. it shouldn't be this hard. i always want to be more open about eds on my spam but i have too many locals on there. even when i removed so many people it's like aah i still can't say certain things. which is fine yk like,,, maybe some things are better left unsaid. like this. mia and dana are the only people who i told but i'm pretty sure the others know. thye're not dumb. my relationship with food has never been a good one. apart of me wants to get better but the other part of me is scared for the recovery. i keep reminding myself that feeling is normal and valid but this battle is already as hard as it is on my own. im just glad some people in my life can relate to it, even if they haven't told me either. so why do i feel so alone? remember how i said my friends aren't dumb? yeah i'm not either. peace. 0 Comments

04/19/2021 03:07 PM  did u get ur shots... passports? got vaccinated today, i am now sexier than ever before. well not quite; i have to go back on may 10 for my second dose. no side effects yet other than my arm being sore which is good. the ladies at the fairplex were sooooso lovely!!! sweetest people ever. i hope the universe treats their souls kindly. other than my shots (cue r kelly) nothing really has been going on. nothing worth typing out i guess. can't wait for all my friends n myself to be fully vaccinated then we can all kiss. ok that's alllll. peace. p.s, the wind is very loud at the moment, don't know why that's imortant but it sets the ambiance so 0 Comments

04/05/2021 02:11 PM  the day that grunge died missing layne n kurt 2day, that is all. sometimes i wonder what it would be like if most of our grunge musicians were still alive. we need to protect eddie vedder at all costs. peace. 0 Comments

03/26/2021 08:34 PM  bleh sore from last night, stressed from the past couple days, stomach hurts, plans changed, what's new? you know you think i'd learn by now lol, but at least my meantality hasn't gotten worse from it. or has it and i just haven't noticed? i was gonna say something else but i forgot. damn. weed brain fog smh.i hope next week is what i'm expecting, cuz f*** i really miss some people. this post is hella vague but hopefully future me remembers what i was talking about cuz lord knows i barely do now. peace. 0 Comments

03/18/2021 03:06 PM  room n tats ramble been wanting to get more tattoos for awhile now, but allas jess is still broke. hopefully my mom gives me my stimulus money this time instead of wasting it all in a month. like if it's my money at least let me do that yk? anyway, whenever i find myself drifting off in a daydream i always think about what i wanna do with my room. i still have so many plans for it (just like my tats) and i can't wait for the days where i can start making those images a reality. don't get me wrong i love piecing my room together little by little and see the progress, but as we all know by now patience is my worst virture. i need to enter one of those room makeover sweepstakes or something. do they still make those? nevertheless, maybe in another post i'll go into detail about my plans, but i don't want any of ya'll stealing my ideas smh. im just kidding no one reads these. maybe that's for the best. ok im gonna go fantasize/get jealous over my pintrest board now. peace. 0 Comments

03/07/2021 07:11 PM  mellon collie n the infinite sadness you ever get that rush of sorrow when you're having the best time of your life because you know it's gonna end soon? well, it already ended. this week has been the absolute greatest and something i've needed for a long time. i miss everyone already. i hope we can have more memories like that again. it makes me happy; longing for things that finally took place. sometimes short and simple is better. peace. 0 Comments

03/03/2021 01:42 AM  this one got blue at the end i never updated what happened on valentine's day but that was expected n you all know it. to sum it up, it was less sad than i thought but still had it's moments. for example, i thought i broke my phone while trying to thirst trap bc i dropped it, turned out just needed a new charger (which i got the next day). anyway, hello march!! aka pisces season... no comment. im kidding!! i love my pisces friends n family hahahaha no i am not being told to say this against my will. some exciting things are coming up folks. not like anyone reads this ofc - except maybe gisselle which in that case heyy - but i like to pretend regardless. my shop got a spot at the upland art walk which is very swag. me, sonia, and dana are gonna meet victoria's boyfriend for the first time :0 i think it's gonna be fun. oh yeah!! destiny n the girls are having a picnic but since it's the same day i'm only gonna be able to make it to the sleepover :( that's happening on saturday, and on thursday i'm hopefully gonna get hella crossed which i haven't been in fat minute. we'll see if that ends up being interesting. other than the plans i'm having for once i've been running errands n feeling very productive. has anything else mentally changed tho? nah... but i just gotts give it time right?? that's what everyone keeps telling me anyway. i'm tired of being patient guys. ik that's not how life works but idc. grrr. very annoyed that even when i have a good change in environment my brain still stays the same :/ that's how you know this depression is real. i'm sorry to my friends who have to deal with that. but i hide it good so they honestly probably don't know i haven't gotten better. it's not aS bad, which is good, but still. sh*t maybe i am getting better. let's not jinx anything now. peace. 0 Comments

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