07/26/2022 10:01 PM  hardest button to button the only lesson i have learned in 4 months: things will not slow down. ever. you have to keep up with life now. since i've been doing my own thing since 2020, i notice my own feelings and realize how bad my mental state has been in for so long because there is no school or parent to deflect it. no problem at 15 was as bad as it is at 20 i'll tell you that. i miss the simple times that weren't so simple back then. i feel the same yet completly different. am i losing myself? no. i think im gaining more parts of me. and guess what? things will never feel that simple again, even now, until time has passed and i long for what once was once again. things will not slow down. ever. peace. 0 Comments

03/16/2022 04:03 PM  shout out mental illness hey. look who it is lol. have things gotten better? yes and no. in reality more changes are happening for the better, i just wish my brain would let mebe content. i read online that this type of anxiety and putting up walls is a defense mechanism. ironic how im putting up walls for the wrong reasons. i wish i could control that. anyway, my aunt is letting me move in with her the first week of april, which is good! and cheyenne n tyler are letting me stay with them until i live with her, which is also good! so why is it not good enough? i actually have a plan that i've been looking for since december and now that i finally have it it's not good enough. i can't even handle chai being gone for 4 days with his band anymore because of the routine and way of living i got myself used to. sometimes i wonder if it's the same for him. couples aren't meant to spend all their spare time with each other and i really told myself i wasn't gonna be like how i was with cheska with him but im so scared im starting to. it's my fault for not making boundaries and putting up walls in the wrong places. but if he doesn't think it's a problem it's not, right? at least im aware. i need to talk to him about my separation anxiety im starting to develope. i know what i need to do but im scared. im scared of it getting worse again. idk where im going with this tbh just needed to write and i dont have my notebook lmao. i forgot how to do things for myself aaaah isn't that so crazy LMAO i hope im not taking that away from chai and i hope he doesn't think he's taking that away from me because it's literally all my fault aah i need to talk to him about all this LOL. peace 0 Comments

01/13/2022 09:53 PM  it's oh so quiet. sometimes writing feels like the only thing i have. i know that's not true but it helps.. even if it feels like it doesn't. you haven't seen me since my october recap, man so much has happened. health issues, mental issues, financial issues, you name it. the words aren't flowing out as easily as they used to. that's what happens when you hold your feelings back for so long. i know someday i'll be okay, and i'll look back on these times and thank the universe i made it through. but it's so hard. and it hurts. a lot. more days and nights than i'd like to admit. i feel weak and pathetic. i'm just so tired guys. it scares me - what's in my head sometimes. the worst part is that i'm living for others now, and like i said i know this dread is going to go away one day because it's happened before and i've gotten out of it but it always ends up coming back stronger in a different way. i guess it never truly goes away, just gets easier to manage. tonight is bad guys it's so bad. and i don't care about not censoring sh*t anymore. i want it to go away. i need my friends i need my mom to care like she used to i need chai. they don't know how bad it really is and i feel like it'll be too late once they do. anyway, i hope tomorrow will be a better day. i can only try from here, right? peace. 0 Comments

10/27/2021 10:08 PM  october song oh october, you have been so...actually i don't have any words. despite the depression being at an all time low, i have experienced some of the most genuine moments of my life (during this period) here. not too sure if it's at its worst, or if it's just bad right now. im tired. tired of feeling like this after every good thing happens. i hate it up there sometimes. as cliche as it sounds, i don't want to go back to reality. i adore my little getaways and sososo much more :( im so afraid of good things coming to an end you know? i just wanna stay content like f*** why is that so hard?? there's lots of things going on in my lil brain right now n it's very troubling to say the least. i don't know what else to say. god im so annoying. gonna leave now to spare you guys the cringe. peace. 0 Comments

09/30/2021 10:10 AM  oulala <3 Current mood:  accomplished oh so tired but so pleased and content. last night me n xena went to see vundabar (!!!!) at the teregram ballroom and it was nothing less of ethreal. i cannot say enough good things about this show, by far the best one i've been to yet. thank you to brandon hagen himself for letting people jump on the stage n crowd surf. also, i got a shirt and pin while xena was able to get gawk on vinyl!!! how exciting. wish they had cds :/ but it's ok lol i'll just look on disgogs or something. i have work later today at noon which is kind of annoying lol. wish i was closing for once. i can't believe i finally saw vundabar bruh!!!! eeee!!! the best peopleeee. i should get ready now, anticipating my coworkers asking me about my bruises and a long nap when i get home ♥ :) peace. 0 Comments

09/15/2021 03:21 PM  wild heart in 5 hours im going to be up front seeing nick rattigan perform his heart out like the hot n sexy son of a bitch he is. i hope sophmore year me is impressed. current joys are one of those bands that's always stuck with me. i don't think i can ever really shake them from my listening. im excited. he better play "naked" or else im going to scream. i should start getting ready now, just wanted to write a bit pre-concert depresssion yk? hope i take good pics/videos. peace. 0 Comments

08/07/2021 01:47 PM  looking forward 2 da change yesterday was too good of a day to be true. but it really happened so i guess it was true. the last time i felt that happy was when i had a person of interest take away all my problems. and guess what? my source of happiness has nothing to do with romantic feelings!!! im so proud of myself. first things first, i got a job finally!! my interview went really well and the manager, adrianna, and myself have a similar background which is really cool. my mom n i went to go eat at this mexican food truck after we went to the dmv to get my id done (my beaded necklace also came in the mail but it arrived after i took the picture smh - im practically damon albarn). the orange bangs they served there were ok,, wish they had strawberry flavors tho. me n victoria already made plans earlier in the day, so when she came over i surpised her w the news n she was really happy for me. we went to kaos and i found two of the cds i was looking for as well!! the farmers market happened to be the same night so we walked there after and got boba. im also proud to say that i only ate once. a mcdouble. round of applause. i haven't eaten yet so we'll see when i start feeling hungry again. it's probably bad that makes me happy too, but even through all this good news my mind is still wired differently. don't be fooled with all these exclamation marks n colorful vocabulary, that voice in my head is still not letting me accept it. i still haven't taken my meds and i hope i never do, but with all this new stuff going on im not so sure i can distract myself any longer. who knows, maybe this "new stuff" is another distraction. i am very thankful though, i just wish my brain would let me experience happiness like a normal person. these posts always end up being sh*t at the end. oops. welllll that's my good news lol. very excited and scared and all things in between. peace.  0 Comments

07/30/2021 01:13 PM  go f*** yourself san diego! pretty sure the reason why i hardly talk about my plans anymore is due to them never seeing the light of day. most people just cancel now and don't bother enough to rescheduel. not trying to call out anyone, it's just kind of what's been happening. but i want to start changing that. i know im the onlly one - i think - to look at this page all the time, but im tired of all the depressing posts in a row. so to lighten the mood, here's my weekend plans that only i will look back on lol: in less than 4 hours im gonna be going to san diego again with angie. i'm also gonna be meeting chai for the first time which im excited about. im not looking forward to a lot of things, since im basically obligated to go so angie doesn't get in trouble, but hopefully me inviting chai will make it not so sh*tty. also dana might make a cameo in this "movie", as chai ironically calls it, so let's knock on wood that she pulls through. peace. 0 Comments

07/27/2021 07:35 PM  don't read this one i like some food but i don't like eating. i hope that makes sense. that feeling when you haven't eaten in hours, stomach growling n all, it hurts so much. but then that pain goes away and you're so proud of yourself that you didn't cave. it's sick how i think that's euphoric to me. it's sick that i miss being underweight cuz that's all im used to. it's sick that even if i do get to that point again, i'm still not gonna be content with how i look, like i'll never be able to love myself. i hate feeling guilty after anytime i eat something, whether it's good for me or not. i think i need help, but why should i even bother if im not almost dead with no meat on my bones? "i'm not sick enough" "that doesn't matter!" shut up. i only feel good about myself when i shouldn't and i only do things that make me feel good when i shouldn't do them. why can't i just loose weight normally? who am i kidding, even if i do it won't be good enough. nothing i ever do is good enough. i haven't even taken my meds yet. i've been lying to some friends so they think i'm getting better. i never thought i would get this way. what happened f*** :/ peace. 0 Comments

07/18/2021 10:36 PM  not this again lmao didn't dissociate in the hospital today, a shock to both mom and i. they wanna start me on zoloft. great (not)! nothing wrong with taking antidepressants, but i'm so bad at change. i don't wanna be medicated cuz i have to man. i should've seen this coming. who knows, maybe this'll be a good thing. maybe the side effects won't be as bad as everyone says. maybe, just maybe, that feeling will stop. i would write more, but i'm drained. peace. 0 Comments

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