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blog posts, blog posts, blog posts. i will try to post. i hope i don't just grow immediately bored of this.

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Last Login:
September 19th, 2022



Gender: Other
Age: 21
Sign: Aquarius
Country: United States

Signup Date:
June 20, 2020

Subscriptions:

07/08/2020 08:24 PM 

lost the last post

lost my last post but basically
2 fascist moids admitted "love" for me
- one is just horny
- one seems to genuinely like me
I'm anxious
- lots to do? but what?
- branding is still an issue for me
- i just feel lost, i just want to draw and sell my art
- i should make stickers!


https://youtu.be/9h2hwyQMl5Q

06/29/2020 09:01 PM 

therapist (finale) (6/29/20)

talked to my therapist 2day. probably for the last time for a while. we talked about how i always need a number of people I'm talking to (like, a minimum or three people DMing me and 3 active servers) and she said to ponder that. I just want to fix my obsession with people remembering me (that likely stems from my mother and childhood bullies megakek) and not care. i want to fully embrace absurdism/egoism/positive nihilism and not care about anything but myself and my long term happiness.
but i care too much about how people view me. and i need lots of people adoring me, loving me, something that will never happen. I'm not memorable, or lovable, or adore-able. .... i just am. O made a hobby out of talking to people online, and i almost admire it. i want that. but i shouldn't have it, I'll get sick. 
the therapist thing makes me feel horrid. i feel weak, pathetic, and like a needy attention-whore. i just feel bad. i always just feel bad, unless someone is talking to me.
I betrayed someone i really liked, and was snaked out by someone i called a friend. I don't know how to fix it so i ignore it. i cant just ignore it. i will talk to him and update later. f*** f*** f***ity f***. !!!!!!!! dinner now.

06/28/2020 12:01 PM 

6/28/20

accidentally ghosting again lol. poor N. I feel bad but idk, I'm also just so tired. Currently have like ehh,, I want to say 5 unopened?
basically:

B I haven't opened in like a month and he just messaged me again. I checked and then marked unread. It was after that breakdown and I left the AG, so it's one of those "I'm sorry you feel this way, let's talk more often :)". I really should respond as we're in the same servers, so he knows when I'm online (and has confronted me, politely, about ghosting him oops), but for some reason, I can't. I am pathetic and retarded yet I refuse to do anything about it. MEGA KEK AM I RIGHT?! 

N probably a bunch of memes/vids. I'm just tired, even if I'm crushing. (unrelated but: I've heard if you're more mysterious your crush is more likely to be interested in you? idk if that's true, but I always am too interested in my crushes, and it turns them away from me lmao.)

K i checked and its memes. I'll reply eventually i promise i promise i promise. We didn't do our movie night yesterday (which i used as an excuse to get out of hanging with my mom, so now my mom thinks I'm lying to her) but i don't think he noticed lol.

G. I asked for an honest opinion of me then logged off, when I checked the next morning she had said nice things. I don't know how to respond. I kind of wanted her to tell me she thinks I'm stupid, hypocritical, a narcissist, etc etc? I don't know. 

U is a co-mod for a thing with me, and we're working on setting up a Telegram server, but uhhhh I should do that now lol. I'm gonna do that. (update from twenty minutes later: I did it. He always makes me feel very embarrassed of myself, but in a way I like his brutal honesty. We're setting up a telegram chat (well, I am) and he's marketing it rn. Exciting but also a bit scary. I don't know what to think, and I'm kind of afraid its going to flop.)

i wonder if.... i wonder. f***. head empty no thoughts!

.....

I'm very worried for my friend F. Whenever she vents she gets talked over, and she says some pretty awful stuff. I haven't DM'd her because I don't know what to say. Does that make me sh*tty? I think a bit. I promised to watch SP with her, but I've been so busy with my new job and she's 9 hours ahead of me- idk. It's difficult. 

Anyway, friends from camp are on our camp server. want to join but.... idk. idk what stops me. but something always stops me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQlTesaKJr4
this is nice. gets better the longer you listen.

cya x

06/21/2020 01:48 PM 

6/21/20

tomorrow is father's day.
well, technically it's today. it's 12:49 am and my eyes burn, im so tired. i need to make him a card or some sh*t. do something thoughtful because i really do love him.
we are going to the range to shoot, and ik we'll probably stay longer than 2 hours. not particularly excited to stand out in the heat and get hit in the face bu the but of a shotgun. but its his day so i gotta. 
i should have made him a card. i need to make him something right? f***.f*** f*** f***. 
im tired. time to pace until i cant walk anymore and fall asleep. 

[may God keep cavities away, amen.]

- 4(four)

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