currently listening to "bludgeon" by alaskan
i saw my girlfriend yesterday since it was her birthday so that was nice i guess
i feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. i was just told by a teacher that my grade in biology went from a B to a C in like a week because i haven't been doing the exit tickets and missed the wednesday assessment and makeup last week. i'm looking at my grades right now in schoology, and i don't even recognize the names of these assessments that i supposedly didn't do. i wasn't even aware of them. there's a gap in my memory. what's wrong with me? am i just stupid?
also everyone in my class thinks i'm a girl and i'm too afraid to speak up because then they'll know. there's no hope for me, i'm never going to pass. at my last school, someone who hated me found out, and he used it to make my life hell.
those years...they haunt me. no, it's not my memories that haunt me. it's the ghost of my past self that haunts me, a constant reminder that deep down i will always be the same socially inept, unloveable, loser i was back then. i guess it won't come as a surprise to anyone that i was "the weird kid" in middle school. had really bad behavioral issues and just didn't know when to stop. other kids didn't get my sense of humor, plus i would shove my interests down other people's throats. not to mention i also had terrible hygeine, which was also a side effect of my depression. like some sort of mini chris chan. textbook autism, basically (even though i was never diagnosed)
i still remember the time when i snuck a peak at my report card. the teachers basically used it as an excuse to complain about me. they said stuff like "he goes on and on about things other kids don't care about" and that "he doesn't understand why other kids don't like him." that last part, especially, hurt. not just because it basically confirmed my biggest insecurity/fear (being unloved) but also because they assumed i didn't know. i did know and understand why the other kids didn't like me. i'm not stupid, you know.
they didn't physically attack me. no, they were too chickensh*t to do something like that. but they made sure to make to let me know i didn't belong there. every second of every day. it's the little things that count. the whispers and giggles in the hallways. the way that they would throw trash in the bathroom stall i was in, or bang on the door. the things they say about you. never to your face, but behind your back, from across the room. you'd hear it from a supposedly well-meaning friend or just some clueless, nosy idiot who doesn't know how to mind their own business.
it's weird. it's like there's a hole in my heart where your childhood memories and nostalgia are supposed to go. i tend to refer to my childhood in the past tense, even though i'm technically still a child. sometimes i wonder if i have some sort of repressed trauma. SOMETHING must have happened in my youth to make me feel so empty and lost from such a young age. but what? yeah, i got bullied throughout my entire life, but everyone got bullied as a kid. the bullying wasn't even that bad in retrospect. no, i'm just weak. i let it get to me. i let them win. wherever eddy garcia is now, i hope he knows that he won. congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel just as hollow and broken as you. la·cu·na
noun: lacuna; plural noun: lacunae; plural noun: lacunas
- an unfilled space or interval; a gap.
"the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies"
- a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
a cavity or depression, especially in bone.