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β™± π–π–Šπ–†π–™π– β™±

Last Login:
October 29th, 2020




Gender: Male

Age: 14
Country: United States

Signup Date:
May 13, 2020


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10/24/2020 07:06 PM 

10/24/20

i had a pretty good day today actually. it was record store day, so me, my parents, and one of my dad's friends went to the record store together. i didn't buy anything at the record store but i got a new journal and a graphic novel called gloomcookie at the bookstore nearby. then i went to my friend LS's house and we watched clone high and the owl house together.

10/23/2020 05:08 PM 

10/23/20

currently listening to "bludgeon" by alaskan

i saw my girlfriend yesterday since it was her birthday so that was nice i guess

i feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. i was just told by a teacher that my grade in biology went from a B to a C in like a week because i haven't been doing the exit tickets and missed the wednesday assessment and makeup last week. i'm looking at my grades right now in schoology, and i don't even recognize the names of these assessments that i supposedly didn't do. i wasn't even aware of them. there's a gap in my memory. what's wrong with me? am i just stupid?

also everyone in my class thinks i'm a girl and i'm too afraid to speak up because then they'll know. there's no hope for me, i'm never going to pass. at my last school, someone who hated me found out, and he used it to make my life hell. 

those years...they haunt me. no, it's not my memories that haunt me. it's the ghost of my past self that haunts me, a constant reminder that deep down i will always be the same socially inept, unloveable, loser i was back then. i guess it won't come as a surprise to anyone that i was "the weird kid" in middle school. had really bad behavioral issues and just didn't know when to stop. other kids didn't get my sense of humor, plus i would shove my interests down other people's throats. not to mention i also had terrible hygeine, which was also a side effect of my depression. like some sort of mini chris chan. textbook autism, basically (even though i was never diagnosed)

i still remember the time when i snuck a peak at my report card. the teachers basically used it as an excuse to complain about me. they said stuff like "he goes on and on about things other kids don't care about" and that "he doesn't understand why other kids don't like him." that last part, especially, hurt. not just because it basically confirmed my biggest insecurity/fear (being unloved) but also because they assumed i didn't know. i did know and understand why the other kids didn't like me. i'm not stupid, you know.

they didn't physically attack me. no, they were too chickensh*t to do something like that. but they made sure to make to let me know i didn't belong there. every second of every day. it's the little things that count. the whispers and giggles in the hallways. the way that they would throw trash in the bathroom stall i was in, or bang on the door. the things they say about you. never to your face, but behind your back, from across the room. you'd hear it from a supposedly well-meaning friend or just some clueless, nosy idiot who doesn't know how to mind their own business.

it's weird. it's like there's a hole in my heart where your childhood memories and nostalgia are supposed to go. i tend to refer to my childhood in the past tense, even though i'm technically still a child. sometimes i wonder if i have some sort of repressed trauma. SOMETHING must have happened in my youth to make me feel so empty and lost from such a young age. but what? yeah, i got bullied throughout my entire life, but everyone got bullied as a kid. the bullying wasn't even that bad in retrospect. no, i'm just weak. i let it get to me. i let them win. wherever eddy garcia is now, i hope he knows that he won. congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel just as hollow and broken as you.

la·cu·na
/lΙ™Λˆk(y)o͞onΙ™/
noun
noun: lacuna; plural noun: lacunae; plural noun: lacunas
  1. an unfilled space or interval; a gap.
    "the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies"
    • a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
    • ANATOMY
      a cavity or depression, especially in bone.

10/18/2020 03:39 PM 

10/18/20

i don't know what to say
i did it again today



six times a week every week until i die
i try to remember the days when i still felt alive
i'm a junkie

10/17/2020 02:01 PM 

10/17/20
Current mood:  numb

i feel empty inside

nothing stirs

 

They tell me God does not hate, that God does not fear. But in a world were things like this happen.... sometimes I think God does not love.
ghost

10/16/2020 04:15 PM 

10/16/20
Current mood:  stressed

currently listening to "i don't love" by have a nice life

i am so tired. so tired of feeling this way. working towards a goal i don't want. parents screaming in my face constantly telling me to work work work work work no friends no fun no time to LIVE. i am a little worker bee, a drone. no purpose other than to work. and when i grow up it will be the same. i will work in an office surrounded by 4 white walls, with no friends, no fun, no time to LIVE

no life, ever

i miss cutting so much. it's the only thing that helps


i don't want to live like this, lord
i don't want to live at all
i don't want to make this face anymore
but if i don't, that's all
i don't want to live like this anymore
i don't want to live at all
i don't want to make this face anymore
but if i don't, that's all
i don't love
i don't feel anything
i don't feel anything where this love should be
i don't want to feel this anymore
but if i don't, that's fake
i don't want to do this anymore
but there's nothing else to take
i don't love
i don't feel anything
i don't feel anything where this love should be

10/15/2020 10:03 PM 

10/15/20
Current mood:  sad

i hate my face so much. i will always be doomed to look half my age. so fat and disgusting

i want to start cutting again but my arms are covered in scars and i don't want more


 

10/14/2020 09:04 PM 

10/14/20
Current mood:  depressed

i feel like pure sh*t rn because i just realized one of the guys who bullied me in middle school is a more successful musician than i am, and his music is ass. i guess it really is true that all you need to "make it" as a musician these days is a rich family and connections in the industry, and i have neither of those things. *sigh*

10/13/2020 11:54 PM 

song survey
Current mood:  stressed

 1. a song you like with a color in the title: red and blue jeans - the promise ring      2. a song you like with a number in the title: 122 hours of fear - the phantom limbs      3. a song that reminds you of summertime: the summer ends - american football      4. a song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about: abigail by happy days    5. a song that needs to be played LOUD: in the shadow of the horns - darkthrone      6. a song that makes you want to dance: na dne - molchat doma       7. a song to drive to: personal forest - psychonaut 4      8. a song about drugs or alcohol: clean - depeche mode      9. a song that makes you happy: ferrari - alice glass      10. a song that makes you sad: sleep forever - cheerful depression      11. a song that you never get tired of: killing for company - swans      12. a song from your preteen years: i'm not okay - my chemical romance      13. one of your favorite 80’s songs: lullaby - the cure      14. a song that you would love played at your wedding: ?      15. a song that is a cover by another artist: pumped up kicks - 3TEETH      16. one of your favorite classical songs: funeral march - chopin      17. a song that would sing a duet with on karaoke: ?      18. a song from the year that you were born: m/s salmonella - lifelover     19. a song that makes you think about life: sadlythatsjustthewaythingsare - bones     20. a song that has many meanings to you: closer by nine inch nails      21. a favorite song with a person’s name in the title: elizabeth on the bathroom floor - eels      22. a song that moves you forward: ?      23. a song that you think everybody should listen to: slaughterhouse - sematary      24. a song by a band you wish were still together: birthday balloons - sun devoured earth     25. a song by an artist no longer living: disorder - joy division      26. a song that makes you want to fall in love: who taught you how to love - king dude      27. a song that breaks your heart: creek blues - nicole dollanganger      28. a song by an artist with a voice that you love: sterile nails and thunderbowels - silencer      29. a song that you remember from your childhood: ohio is for lovers - hawthorne heights      30. a song that reminds you of yourself: holocaust - big star

10/12/2020 10:48 PM 

10/12/20

i went to the zoo with my friend today (it's her birthday). i had a pretty good time. 

i saw a girl there. she was beautiful. she had pink hair, and was wearing a pleated skirt with fishnets. art hoe sort of type. i wonder if she noticed me, or what she thought about me. ugh. i'm so lonely that i end up obsessing over random people i've never even met, imagining what my life would be like with them. it's pathetic. 

10/11/2020 12:34 PM 

10/11/20
Current mood:  numb

i don't know how people just l i v e

i don't know how to f***ing do this. a few days ago my teacher asked me what job i want to get and i don't f***ing know why or how to even get a job or how any of this works. i can't imagine what it's like to be an adult. i don't want to be a wageslave, i want to live my life and enjoy the tiny insignificant existance i was given on this earth

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