01/13/2021 08:09 PM  g e n d e r e n v y who gives you Big Gender Envy? (please trans interaction only). here is my (mostly) comprehensive list (tbh more just things that give me gender dysphoria askdj;asdf): starting with the obvious, we got pete wentz, frank iero, and gerard way (more specifically basement/bullets gerard, look at his funky little sideburns!!)   also this fall out boy photoshoot, just all of the fall out boys, just look at this photoshoot, this is gender envy in a bottle barley from onwards annie potts in pretty in pink: and duckie and molly wringwald (andie) f*** it, this guy too even tho he was an ass. forever jealous and angry Andie stayed w him. gender envy for 80's movies, honestly. idk what that is. maybe there's a different word for it. but 80s teen romance and coming-of-age movies always hit me there. i think something along the lines of me not feeling attractive enough in my gender to be able to experience what they experience?? and that wanting to have the male growing up experience. which also reminds me, fall out boy's From Under the Cork Tree is such a comfort album when im feeling dysphoric?? does anyone else experience this?? just me?? okay. Joan ♥ this f***ing elf from Santa Clause: jackass for some reason?? lol i think it would just be great to be a stupid guy. i wanna get into dangerous situations, cause havoc, get into fist fights, get into stupid dares, just do stupid sh*t!! and i know i could techincally just,,do it. but i really don't want to cuz it's, ya know, stupid. it's such a stereotypical Guy thing and i love to see it, would love to be it. tldr; guys rough-housing. biggest gender envy. oh, also, bert mccracken. ran into this gif set this morning and just, yeah. kinda goes in with the rough-housing thing too. a l s o all the guys in my local music scene?? i've always been, and maybe always will be, so f***ing jealous of all of you. you all always look so good and you all have so much fun and it's so easy for you to feel like you fit in and belong and make friends, like wtf?? and it's so easy for you to get onstage and make music and everyone's like yeah cool! amazing! great! you sound like sh*t? even better! and you NEVER get questioned about your music taste. youre always in charge of the fashion and what bands are cool or not and you know everything! and you know everything and anything about iron maiden for some reason like wtf? wtf??! you're so f***ing cool and im no one. f***! also every flat chested emo boy with their friend group of emo boys ;-; oh how i would love to wear tiny clothes without so many Female Parts :(  my binder has helped with this but i had to return it to get a bigger size and it's taking foreverrrr   0 Comments

[ This blog post is private ]

11/30/2020 11:09 AM  white flags in the middle of a Target frozen food section.  it was nice to see you last night. i know it was just a dream, but i think theres a part of you that comes to visit me, wants to visit me.  i'm not mad at you anymore.  i used to be, but i want to believe it's not your fault you left this way.  i'll blame it on your mom and on the world  and on your sh*tty boyfriend. anyone but you.  no, im not mad at you.  i can only remember every good time we had; to me it's all we had.  our final moments just a blur of confusion, a bad dream that i could never comprehend.  maybe one day i'll run into you in the isles of a department store. twenty years from now, you've moved out of your mother's house, and maybe if i wave at you, you'll wave back. genuine. white flags in the middle of a Target frozen food section.  then maybe both of our ghosts could rest.  1 Comments

[ This blog post is viewable to friends only ]

[ This blog post is private ]

[ This blog post is viewable to friends only ]

10/22/2020 12:35 PM  x_x Current mood:  froggy no one blogs here anymore ;-; i wanna read what yall are up to! well, i guess there isn't much going on... what have i been up to... i'm sending out halloween letters and packages to friends and family this week, it's a lot of work. i think next year i'll stick with already made cards since i cut all my own this year and it took a lot longer than i thought it would! i got a little too excited and carried away with my ideas. i think they turned out really good though. i'll post some pictures here of them since i dont have any irls on fp (to my knowledge): i had made a super cool haunted house one and a witch one too and i scanned them in but i guess my scanner fuked up or something because they're not in my computer anymore :(( i knew i shouldve taken actual phone pictures of them but i didn't, im a dummy >: oh well, i was planning on making more of those ones anyways.... other things other things... i have a sims family that's rich AF so im trying to build the biggest, most expensive mansion ever and so far it's turning out pretty cool, maybe i'll do a whole blog post about my sims family and their new house if anyone is interested, lol! they're a multigeneration family so i can do the whole family tree and stuff.  oh and as if my CD collection wasn't big enough:  the Ameoba Records in Berkeley finally opened back up, and its right across the street from my brother's dorm, so this last weekend when i went to visit i dragged him with me to the record store. I've been craving going to the record store for sooo longgg, especially going up to one in the bay area because the ones down here in sac fuking suck ass (if ur in sac and know of a good record store that was like Dimple where they had not only vinyls but also cds and tapes and posters and all that good stuff, let me know, because so far ive only been able to find hole-in-the-wall hipster vinyl stores that sell their sh*t for 3x the price it's worth and it's ONLY records xp ). There's something very calming about a record store for me. Something nostalgic and comforting and accepting... and maybe deep down i hope that if i hang around in them enough i'll end up in a fall out boy situation where i hear some people talking about a band i like and then i jut in and school them about said band and then they're like hey wtf, wanna join our band? and then we start an emo band and everythings awesome. okay well, i think that's enough for today. thank you for reading my rambles :p 3 Comments

09/15/2020 04:51 PM  YOO MAIL DAYYYYZZ HELLO HELLO! So the last few dayz ive been getting TONS of stuff in da mail that I ordered over the last few weeks and I just wanna share it with all of you because, well, idk, mail is just so exciting and it's made me vvv happy :p here is a general picture of most everything x3  Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice from Thriftbooks, ive been reading so much more these last two weeks, it feels so good to hold a book again. Loudmouth Zine by Maddy which you can get here if it's not sold out yet, it's a monthly riot grrl zine by this girl in my neighborhood. I was introduced to her through her best friend, Sully, who I've known for a while. Anyways, haven't gotten deep into reading it yet but I love zines and I wanted to support a local artist :3 LOOSE LEAF ROSE BLACK TEA FROM BOBA GUYS, BEEN HAVING A CUP OF IT EVERY MORNING SINCE SATURDAY AND MY DAYZ HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER WITH IT!! This is what I used to order all the time from the Boba Guys shop across the street from my dorms when i was living in san francisco, def my favorite tea of all time!!! MY STICKERS FROM STICKII CLUB!! This is my third month getting the subscription now, the stickers are so so cute, and of course this month was halloween theme and i absolutely died from the cuteness MY KANDI TRADE!!!! Kei Club on instagram did a big kandi trade event to help save the USPS and i got my partner's package last night and omg i feel so lucky and spoiled, they filled a whole back of stuff for me ;;---;;  im so so happy to have these a part of my collection ANDDD i have a keychain collection, a patch collection, and a sticker collection and have been wanting some cute hair clips like that so its super fuking cool that they threw that stuff in, it's like they knew!! 0-0 MY FALL OUT BOY MAGAZINES!!! IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THESE EXACT ONES FOR SOOO LONG and someone on depop was selling them for only $5 each!!    Some highlights:       this god awful photoshoot      okay literally wut does this even mean....????   peepee wentz  these mcr tour pages make me sob, okay eee okay well that's it for now x3 i hope you guys enjoyed! idk, is this interesting??? lol or like let me know if you wanna see more of any of this stuff. uhh i wasn't sponsered by anyone XD but all the sites and people ive added links to i reccommend checking them out and buying from them/supporting them, theyre all great companies and people with great products :3 3 Comments

09/10/2020 11:22 PM  hewwo cruel wurld :3 hello to everyone who reads these things! im sorry i haven't updated in a while, and the few updates i have have been depressing/sappy poems no one probably understands or can decode *~* I was reading Doremi's newest blog post and they have a good point, i dont need to wait to have something exciting to talk about to write, i can just write! i remember seeing old livejournals and thinking damn you're really talking into the void and no one cares 0-0 and i used to have blogs where i'd just write everything and anything and maybe overshare, but now that im like part of this community on here and i have friends on here it makes more sense, like yeah i wanna read what yall have to write and i think you want to read what i wanna write...right? anyway, that's a bunch of rambling. in other news ive been going to therapy for the last two months, today was officially my 8th session. These last two sessions i've been working through more of my gender stuff, my gender/sexual identities and it's been very interesting, and has given me the chance to really hash it all out. i've been kind of raised with the mindset that it's not something that really matters, that there's more important things in life than worrying about what to label your idenity as, but now that im older and an independent adult with my own Independent thoughts and beliefs, i think my mom is wrong and that maybe sometimes labels are good. and maybe it doens't even need to be considered a label and it doesnt mean that i'm trapped in a box, but it's just me figuring myself out.  i've also been working on a bunch of different art projects lately, like this last weekend i was a part of Chalk it Up and did this beautiful sunset piece: i didn't expect it to come out this good and i was super proud of myself! my art has grown so much the last 2 years and i am proud to say that lately i've been catching myself saying "this is one of the best things ive ever done" after i'm done with a project.  also it's mikey way's bday and i drew this and it surprisingly got a lot of attention even tho it's just a lil sketch! I've also been working on a bunch of kandi but maybe i'll post about that another time.  uhh last night i got really into redoing my neocities site again! this is what it looks like so far: i collect too many things and im going to be putting all my collection stuff on there eventually so im super excited about that. i want to make a huge archive for my music collection and probably for all my mcr/fob merch stuff. ive seen other people on neocities have a page for "shrines" which is super duper cool!  alright so yeah, that's what's been going on with me, hopefully i'll post something again soon. until then, be kind to yourselves and party on ✌️  xo 1 Comments

08/20/2020 12:23 PM  shutupshutupshutup it's been so long.... all i feel right now is angry.  everything is irritating, its like a horrible itch.  have you ever had an itch on your insides? you can feel it right beneath your skin. no matter how much you scratch on the surface, you still can't reach.  everytime i think of the reasons i feel this way, it just makes me worse. and all of my get-aways have been tainted by the fog.  the worst feeling is when even your fantasies pale compared to death.  it's the worst when you can't keep ignoring the fact that it's all they will ever be.  you will never be happy. you will never get what you want.  you will always be miserable and wishing and waiting. you can try sometimes and you might get what you need, but you will always lose in the end.  you are not the main character of this story, i dont think anyone is. ants dying on a chemical hill... everything is too loud. i want to tear my brain out and let it rest for a while. 0 Comments

Previous123456Next

View All Posts