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when i lived in san francisco, i slept with the window open.
salt water fog crept in through my window.
the rain would sneak in -
the window opened on my side of the room -
and the rain would kiss me awake,
san francisco snowflakes.
it's the closest i'll ever get to winter.

the rain would kiss me awake,
and i'd wake to a city of lights like christmas,
cars at 3am on highways like veins.
this city was so alive
and so full of hope
for me.

my roommate sleeps across the room.
I'm in a house full of love -
or close enough.
everything's quiet, and still, and calm,
except for distant horns
and drunk chatter.
Like Heaven.

I'm back home now, in sacramento.
I keep my window closed when I sleep.
it's either too hot or too cold.
too quiet or too loud.
and the window doesn't open on my side of the room.
the rain doesn't kiss, it demands you awake.
everything demands you in sacramento.
it demanded me to leave, now demands me to stay.
cities and states and countries away...
I'm falling in love with my hometown like a marriage arranged
for convience. For family, for money. For no other choice.
But I am falling in love with my hometown.
I am falling in love again.
I am falling in love.
it demands me to love.
and i'm beginning to think maybe san francisco rain wasn't just san francisco's at all.

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10/23/2021 10:07 PM

this is why it's better when i'm numb.
Current mood: ashamed

I can feel everyone's pain like a bucket of cold water pouring over me.
Like dropping through the ice into a lake.
Frozen.
And I can't stop feeling it.
All of the pins and neeles as if it's happening to me right now.
I can't get myself to stop until I've felt it completely.
I feel too much or not at all.
Take it all in or bolt the windows shut.
I wish I could let you in.
I see you desperate pressed against the glass,
but im afraid you'll eat me alive.

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08/08/2021 03:38 PM

you are all of the colors of my favorite season.

Do you still feel the same?
i can't imagine you do.
i see you in the arms of someone else like a preminition.
And the worst part is, I'll never know for sure -
We've put our fate in the hands of a coward...
Maybe I see you as yellow because you're a constant reminder
of the color of my belly.

Do you still carry my same delusional daydreams?
The same irrational hopes?
You are so beautiful in the light of my mind, rose-tinted and gold.

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01/28/2021 10:09 PM

update time!
Current mood: headphones

hello world

so today wasn't too bad! i've been getting valentines day cards and care packages ready to send off to some friends. I got a bunch of stickers and candy from the dollar store the other day for them :3 i got rid of a bunch of big clunky stuff in my room that was taking up too much space, like my old CD radio that finally quit on me, and finally put these shelves up that i wnated so i finally got enough room to put together a proper mcr shrine, lol, i'll have to make a separate blog about it once it's completely finished, its my favorite part of my room now.

exciting news: usps says i'll be getting my new binder by monday f i n a l l y, i've been going crazy without it T.T i'm really hoping this exchange fits better, i'm a little worried it might be too big, but i guess that's better than being too small? :/ they def fit way more snug than i thought they would so maybe the xl won't be too bad.

art for today: today was Ernie's birthday so I did a lil doodle of him with my gel pens and some sesame street crayons i found at the dollar store a while back ago, lol!

i did in fact make it a whole card and wrote some stuff on the inside about how ernie is my fave character and sent it off as fan mail to sesame street, so we'll see if we get anything back! :0

okay, thank you for reading about my day, i hope you all are doing well :)
xo ronnie

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