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EllisHomicide

Last Login:
August 1st, 2022




Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 17
Country: Philippines

Signup Date:
January 02, 2020


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08/01/2022 03:18 AM 

wishhh i kneweweee....

i will always be the forgotten needle in a stack of hay, the melted puddle of cheap ice cream on a summer-infested pavement. too this for that, too quiet for something so loud. leftover gunpowder that fails to ignite and spark. i do not spring up with color like everyone else. i just settle at the bottom and stick out like a sore thumb. f*** me?! or don't. the magnitude of my vigor is undetectable and easily forgotten anyway. i rely on the rare euphoria of feeling wanted every once in a while. it is so nice to know that i am as important to others as they are to me (only occasionally.) maybe i only exist to reminisce on damp lonely thursdays and wonder why i lack everything and think of what could have been. what is it that others have that i do not??!!>! i could be everyone else for you if i could. paint pictures of me with the head of someone else... a portrait of wishful thinking or two.

07/14/2022 03:36 AM 

07-14-22

heavy hangovers hit my head like an axe that blows my brains out... i miss you!!! i miss you so badly. my heart aches for the warmth that surrounds it when you're near me. i miss lazy afternoons and slow, chaste kisses. i miss running my hands through your hair and having you rest your head on my shouder. i miss the comfort in knowing there is a deeper meaning behind the time we spend together. we are at war with the rest of the world and every few weeks we rest underground, beneath the soil, entertaining a secret only few know. keep this pride between hushed lips or we risk bleeding alive.

i'm tired of always going six feet under just to love you. i hate to see men wield their guns and profess their admiration for you in front of the whole world while i rest in the bunker waiting for you to keep our little secret alive. i hate to see the world be so against us, weapons of mass destruction in front of our throats ready to shove forward at any second. i hate to see others have heterosexual wishes for our tomorrows when we plan a future of our own behind their backs. i hate it all. i hate having to be each other's skeleton in the closet hiding under tongues, threatening to slip between index fingers and gritted teeth. sometimes i wish we were like everyone else. and it's not like any of it is our fault because it's not and it never will be. the world around us is liable, unfortunately colonized and still soaking up the same stupid catholic beliefs from centuries ago. we're sinners, the dirtiest possible human beings to ever exist on this planet. at least to them. but i like to talk to god and he thinks im perfectly fine. maybe? i think so.

im like a little boy about to burst... please get that eyesore of an action figure on the highest shelf between my stubby baby hands. i'll let the cold plastic warm between my hands while my imagination and the chipped paint job bring it to life. i'll make up a story so lifelike it's unreal. it'll be such a scene. we're in love and out and open and away from the bigotry.

one day. i always tell you. i can only wait. and fight for it in the tiniest ways possible. and eventually i won't have to wish to be somebody else just to show the world that i love you.

one day...........

05/24/2022 02:24 AM 

05-24-22, 02:24AM

sweat and spit. the taste of flesh that is all too familiar. how does it taste like nothing and everythng at the same time??? the salt from perspiration is faint. the flavor of a million other possibilities is more prominent. i open my mouth and taste the bittersweet danger from adolescent recklessness. in the midst of everything there is the viscous sugary essence of passion. no bullsh*t, no regrets. only hope transcripted on parchment, tucked safely inside a bottle. thrown into the sea, anticipating it will meet us back at shore. hoping it will boomerang all across the universe and allow our souls to explore wherever. fingers crossed it will come back when we want it to. free of damage and in between fine white sand. ready to be gripped by car crash hearts and be reiterated as wedding vows.

in between your legs and tangled around your heart. dont think i have the guts to let it go even if i wanted to. drunk on possibilities... possibilities... possibilities... nothing but the longing for forever. and also the taste of you (but that's a given.) dimmed lights. sunshine muted by rain clouds. the ache in my legs... the spit on my chest. there is nothing but our hearts to keep us sane from the overwhelming sensations. sincerity intertwining your soul with mine... i know the way we manage to lie down together satisfactorily in silence is the reason i will always find you, how many universes away you may be.

i am a riot... in every way possible. a disappointed crowd whose words knot together into an unsatisfied cacophony. a clump of dust thats been gathering for decades on forgotten pictures. fuzz on the sticky backside of stickers that ruin the prettiest pieces of paper. laughing in the middle of everything... sticky floors and chipped paint make life seem like one of my favorite arthouse movies. envy fades when i realize that the average person would not lie in silence with... . travel thousands of miles for... listen to hundreds of unknown rap songs for... cry hours over... a friend picked up from a f***ed up situationship(ormaybeliterallyanyoneelsebecause
thatsjustreallystupiddoingthingslikethisforsomeonewhosbarely
understoodyourheart) and then i laugh some more. i think. too many fish in the sea (theyareliterallybeingfeddynamitesandsoldinbulktherea
retoomanycontendersinthedatingpoolofhomosexuality) and i end up dragging them to the shore with me. yes... i think we really are gonna die from oxygen together!!!!!!!

and thats how i noticed that contentment presents itself in the most subtle of ways. my smile a bit wider... language never leaving my mother tongue cause im nervous... heart beating a bit more differently this time. im not used to the picture happiness painted of me. i do not recognize myself... i cannot see the reality i've once conditioned my head and my heart to despise so much. the difference is too great; it makes my features look so incredibly foreign... and my soul is not so detached from the rest of the world anymore. call the museum director... or not. maybe i am a surrealist modern art piece made by phony street artists and this is the way i am supposed to be.

05/08/2022 03:07 AM 

05-08-22, 03:07AM



the cavities in my body are always open. reach into my chest and feel around it like ants swarming around in the back pocket of caramel-stained dark wash denim jeans. there is my heart that rings and pounds... there are keys, and there are keys. keys that take the locksmith a little longer to make, keys that produce a deeper sound when they jingle and shake. a bit thicker than usual and carefully crafted to fit into the grooves of whatever door it was made for. reach into my chest, and feel around for my heart. grab onto it... it is as big as your fist yet it will feel heavier than such... my heart is full. for the first time in a while. it is the memories and firsts that help it sink down into my bloodstream. it is heavy with gratitude and its weight keeps my feet on the ground, bringing me peace of mind. and if you're psychopathic maybe shake it a bit after holding it for a while. it doesn't sound so empty anymore.
i like lazy afternoons that melt into fervent evenings. a certain someone's lips that leave me breathless and wanting more. a soul so special i find myself uttering words i never thought would dare enter my mouth. it's not just the dopamine! it's finally having the intention to slow down. relax... stay here for a while. in this pile of tangled limbs and whispered affirmations. no harm, no deadlines, no need to explain yourself. stay. just... stay. nothing but peace crackles through the humid air. and when the last of the setting sun's rays hit my window... when the last of its luster hits the glass, and it shines on their face...

it is calm. it is heartwarming. it is everything i could ever ask for.

they are the one who can send my heart into overdrive... and also bring me serenity i have never experienced before. is it merely juvenile admiration? is it all the nerves trying to get used to the next few years that i hope for? i have never been more sure of anything in my life. would i really long for someone else's warmth? look for someone else's eyes that are not as unique and captivating as theirs are? we have all the time in the world, i constantly say. but i would not like to imagine a universe where they are not a part of my life, a universe that lacks their wit and affability... a universe where it is not them that i say "i love you" to. 

and then i put pieces together in my mind, blending together our shared moments and the most obscure details of our own interests. forever is such a long time, yet it cannot come soon enough. is it too early to say they are the ones i would like to spend forever with? is this great admiration something that will die down in a few years' time? is what we have a flame that would be blown away by the faintest of winds? i have no idea. i'd rather not know. i like where we are. i like to think about where we'll be. i like to form pretty pictures in our heads of how we'd exist when we finally seem like we have our lives together. when is the start and end of forever? i desperately want to rush toward it. in the hopes that it is them i would spend it with. "i'll be here as long as you need me," i say. because who knows when they'll tire of my restlessness? but i fear i'll need them for an entire lifetime. and to whom can i even admit that? i can't even say it to myself; since when have i longed for someone so intensely?

but forever is just a few decades away, or at least i think so. is it so wrong to want it now?




 

04/04/2022 06:21 PM 

04-04-22, 18:21 PM

jogging.

the body loses water when you jog, so you have none left for tears.

qiwu lost may on april fool's day.
and i lost my senses. insanity was building up and slowly starting to spill. and like a can of sour, expired pineapple i let out the most horrible things using the acridest juices in my mind to spit out empty, venomous words.
maybe i am just another can of pineapple.

i did a minuscule thing i don't think anyone would consider courageous. it was a feat to me regardless; to walk around my neighborhood alone. to let my instincts take control and to get lost in familiar alleyways and streets for once. to lose myself in the crowds and the sloppily painted pavements and the smallest pieces of rubble i step on.

i guess we all have our own versions of may in our own circumstances.
qiwu believed that may was worth losing pennies and getting stomachaches over. that may was worth multiple calls that resulted in dead ends and crackled air.
i guess my may is worth getting lost over. and nearly getting run over. and getting sh*tty car fumes spat all over my face over. and losing fluids inside my body over. am i even wording it right??? they're worth more than that, really.
i wonder if they'd even let me call them mine still. i think capturing someone's heart is a myth because the closest thing to that which you can really do is intertwine the most specific moments you've had with each other. but i guess to a certain extent there will be so many canned memories shared between the two of you that, like qiwu, you'd wonder if they'd have an expiry date too. and then wish that they'd be so non-perishable the can would last for centuries.

my throat was dry outside but it was better than having my chest constricted while being cooped up in my room. i think i nearly got a heart attack from staying inside and rethinking one too many things that could have gone better. throwing up and losing sleep and palpitating like crazy and wasting time. my may is worth more than these things. it's just that i always thought that pain over someone was a silly sensationalized teenage stereotype you'd see in media. what would i have known? i always stuck with flings and ended them before i could even count to ten to avoid getting hurt. i always plastered smiles upon hurt feelings out of the fear that no one will ever take me seriously. i never settled and lent my time and effort to anything that would make me attached to anything or anyone. all because i always wanted to peel the bandage off first. to be the one that never feels the sticky, painful end of the plaster. and i guess in this situation it's partially covering my wound and exposing me to the harsh realities of my defense mechanism. 

i looked around and wondered. do you think other people have their own mays?
i wonder what the definition of thirty pieces of canned pineapple is to them. do you think they'd like to join me for a jog too? do you think there are others like me who need to clear their heads? to always look forward and never towards the setting sun because then their hearts would start racing like crazy again? that they'd feel like the entirety of their chest cavity would explode if they look at familiar pink skies for even a millisecond?

but i'm stubborn. to an extent. so i looked anyway.

we don't have to talk.
could i just sit here?


and with all the strength i can muster i respect this request for rest even though it hurts. i jogged home. 
i sound utterly corny and stupid. my words lack the cadence and rhythm they possess. there is no skill or dexterity in these words. only regrets and too much pain my once fickle heart could ever handle. i wonder if, compared to he qiwu, i do end up getting back to room 702?

and maybe i get to find out if she likes pineapple. and maybe this time i'll never keep her waiting. makes them nervous.
 

[ This blog post is private ]

02/26/2022 02:44 AM 

02-26-22, 02:44AM

can't let go of the heat can't let go of your hand can't let go of the heat can't let go of your hand............

i roll into the deep end.



a spur of the moment thing... reliant on positive emotions and 24 hour-long interactions. planned entirely based on impulse and heart rates that go past the top of the holter monitor. it's swift like the beginning, like the fresh january air that crackled with possibilities and led to the days filled with blooming possibilities i've been lucky enough to observe today. it lacks the coldness the first month of the year had, however... there is no more chill. no more conversations empty enough to leave you frozen into place. it's reminiscent of all the stories we share. the fanfictions read. all the plots start to meld with each other and sound like a large-scale production of a sapphic film with a star-studded cast. and then when i tell myself to wake up to reality i am greeted by her warmth and her arm around mine.

independence... it is all i've ever learned. i have mastered contentment within exploring the depths of my own soul. development is the only thing to derive joy from... bonds with others have only ever stood as a mere accessory to me. the basic empathy built into the very core of my emotions is like a standard manual from years ago that's been outdated and left in the corners of the bookshelf to gather dust. it still works... it's still worthwhile... yet it lacks so much that i'm left alone to wonder and figure things out on my own. no physical touch no words no nothing... i only preferred affection in the form of words bottled up and curated in dainty jars that have been kept for a lifetime.

my tongue touches the tip of my front teeth. the front incisors ever so slightly meet with the bottom of my lips... love. there was never really any room for love. i was always told to avoid it at all costs as it would only be a fork in the road towards my path to success. and my soul grew to be so work-oriented it obtained happiness from the bare minimum. flirting and empty words in exchange for the experience everyone else has claimed to have (except for me...) selling my most personal moments for praise and validation until the satisfaction escapes in the blink of an eye.

love is... not the five-minute quickies and sloppy makeout sessions found in chick flicks from twenty years ago. love is... learning to offer pieces of your heart to those that you love most and not worrying about getting it back anymore. it is both the tango of the giddy emotions and genuine concern that swirl together to form a smoothie so sweet that it hits the spot just right every time. it is having the sudden jolt in your nerves to engage in small talk and converse about the most mundane things. and saying sweet words that actually carry weight. and letting clumsy hands wrap around you even when physical touch is one of the things you hate most because it feels nice and it washes away every single regret and replaces it with the smallest amount of hope that could be pulled from who knows where despite the absurd number of pessimistic bones in your body...

and it leaves my heart powersliding for hours.

she lets me carry reminders i can hold while she carries the memories that she can replay in her mind for as long as she wants to. and the replica perfume that i had on now stained her shirt and it left her with the scent of a memory she'll never forget. or at least i hope so.

an embrace that i wish lasted longer. a laugh that still rings from ear to ear. fluorescent lights that i never even paid attention to... which i now know; i memorize their every hue with the quick scan of an eye. sceneries far from attractive ingrained in my mind. the steps on certain concrete roads we once stepped on are now suddenly so vital to me. i would like to retrace them and relive the night again.

i wish it didn't have to end so soon. i'll keep your banana bread with me for as long as i can ♥

powerslide...

02/15/2022 01:32 AM 

02-15-22, 01:32 AM

and so i gamble my most prized possession in the game i've been invited to play.

started with a message and now she takes up even the tiniest cavities inside my heart. i put my emotions on the line for a taste of puppy love that leaves you high on the euphoria brought upon by teenage romance and blissful moments of intimacy only words between two lovers can bring. f*** labels, f*** clarity, f*** definitions. i only live in the moment and disregard every chance we get to delineate what we actually are. wishing for the highs without the lows. the pleasure without the pain.

or so i thought.

nights spent staring at my ceiling and feeling like the four walls of my room are closing in on me. a certain song on loop for the entire night as i think back on regrets and good decisions. everything reminds me of her. soft pillows and the comforting night breeze. her smile that flashes in my mind and leaves me giddy. my heart threatening to jump out of my chest as it beats uncontrollably quick. the feeling is so unfamiliar it provides me with a slight discomfort that turns into dopamine which flies me up to the clouds. she's all i ever talk about. calling her my girlfriend behind closed doors and in conversations with strangers. 

promises of patience and understanding. "i'll always be here." so deeply engrossed in her life like a book i've read from cover to cover. making sure she's okay. being the shoulder to cry on even when there are battles that commence inside my own head. keeping it together and breaking down. balancing out the opposites... and feeling right. the doubts and regrets inside my mind about her were long gone and faded into the background. my future is blurry and unknown. i trace the map my parents set out for me but my hands keep drawing jagged lines over the straight ones they illustrated. the lead tip of the pencil keeps breaking into minuscule pieces and smearing over directions they always told me to never cross. my desire to constantly break ties and be familiar with no one else's soul but my own... what happened to the original plot??? one thing's for sure though... i sure do kind of hope there are more mornings with light pink skies and dewdrops that are adorned by her.



I got a heart that don't speak to me anymore
And life gets hard but these last days been meanin' more
I'm just tryna get my bands up
Why you runnin' through the banners
I don't understand this
You should find your way home
I hate my yearbook photo
I hate my passport
I hate my last name
I hate everything it stands for
I should probably f***ing transfer
Blue and brown JanSport
Tired of public transport
I never went to prom
Now I'm stuck on the dance floor
Just holdin' your hand
Just holdin' your hand
And I'll be (I'll be)
Right outside your front door
On my twelve speed (twelve speed)
I got your emotions tattooed on my sleeve (my sleeve)
I think about you all the time
I've waited for you all my life
I need you right here by my side


empty


[ This blog post is private ]

12/21/2021 04:37 AM 

12-21-21, 04:37 AM

and whenever i tell the universe a joke it will always have the last laugh.

sending my giggles and smiles to the skies only for things to come crashing down. i comply and change and adapt like im an organism from a million light-years ago. pretending and improving and continuing to try in the hopes that it'll work this time.

 i've got people who know the secrets i will take to my grave, got people who will withstand my sudden bursts of emotion just because they can, got people that provide me company and comforting words that i gladly reciprocate.... shared interests and emotions and years that pass by as if they were bullet trains passing by skylines.

there are no holes in my heart; i have filled it to the brim with both meaningful and pointless memories in the hopes of accomplishing the feeling of "enough." the feeling of being "just fine" and "it's alright." it's not exactly contentment, as it stands in the middle of the border between being satisfied and still wanting more. and i understand that i will always want more. is it so foreign, however, to ask for people (who are not bound to me by blood) to care for me as much as i do for them?

forming bonds online, through pixelated screens and empty words so easily dropped through the courage provided by anonymity. so much easier to talk to people when they're a million miles away. so much easier to bare your soul to a person void of a first impression, them only being a clean slate ready to be painted over with your very unique and glorified perception of them. it's all incredibly quick and a bit too fast-paced to be kept up with. talk to one person today, another to the next. completely fry your brain with too much stimulation and conversation. submerge it in the dopamine these provide. rinse and repeat.

stuck here wishing on stars that have fallen and given up on traveling to the ends of the earth just to achieve my wishes because they can't take it anymore. wishing for people who remember me in the way i remember them. wishing for people to recall hyper-specific details i've dropped in conversations like how i see something that reminds me of something they've said years ago. what would make me think of you?

laughing it off... maybe now is not the time, or so i think to myself. and i circle back to the past few years and realize that nothing has changed. i'm the amalgam of a stranger and a friend. giving and offering so many pieces of my soul and ignoring the fact that i've saved none for myself, hoping that maybe this time i won't 'be forgotten. is it too early to be thinking so negatively? i hope so. but it's also silly to realize you've always merely existed as a choice to everyone else your entire life. just another one for the seasons. switching me out for the newest collection once summer ends.

that's a good one. now please allow me to leave. i've wanted out for so long. desired for connections beyond screens for so long. wanted friends i'd be able to sustain and have even when i turn my phone off for so long.

it's not funny anymore............







 

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