05/26/2023 02:11 AM  ephemerality is the greatest sin forever was a few months ago. your body next to mine. stars shining brighter than ever. crisp evening air heightening every sensation there was to be felt on the cold, chalky pavement. i am a dusty stargazer, covered in years-old cement and grime. i look for meaning in the constellations and the crescent moon that skewedly hangs in the sky but i end up finding it in your eyes. my starry-eyed darling, my angel whom i hold so near and dear to me... in your pupils i trace hearts and in your smile i am able to make out the revolution. forever was a few weeks ago, your heart set aglow, traced by the illustration of mary's very own atop your chest (and across mine). we like stormy skies and parking lot promises, only this time they last longer than twenty four hours. we like kisses and light touches, only this time with less fervor and more control. we let our love speak for itself.  forever was a few hours ago, our current fate etched in wood and in memories we'll carry for the rest of our lives. forever is all that we have, forever is however long god will lend me your presence. sing me to sleep, hold me for a bit. make me quick promises and let me drown you in kisses. the days i can no longer keep up with and the hours i cannot count, but even the most mundane moments with you carve out a large crater in my heart. stay there for a while. for a good while. i'll eventually figure out how to fill up a you-sized hole when you leave it. my heavenly dearest... my darling boy... i could never resist you 0 Comments

03/28/2023 10:27 PM  When the pawn my one and holy, my one and lonely. and you take from my cup the grace of teenage sacrilege, but it's adrenaline-driven escapades and short-lived moments of blood rushing to my head that i kneel to. brashness and last-minute lies don't pierce through your soul the same way they do through mine. it is only through your lips that i am able to taste an upbringing built on bottlerocket bannisters and critically acclaimed vengeance. it's the same gentle hands made up of fingers tenderly cascading through my hair that possess callousness and carelessness only a man would be capable of... but that's to be expected when you've always held the world in your hands.  0 Comments

02/24/2023 03:04 PM  miss, miss, pakitigil lang please... panaginip o pantasya? 'di na makakaila, mahilig magpabili si mama. punta ka rito, daan ka diyan, kuha mo kong ganito, bumili kang ganyan. kung saan-saan napapadpad ang musmos kong mga paa na nag-iipon ng iba't-ibang karanasan sa malawak na mundong ito, kung saan kahit ang presensya ko lamang bilang kababaihan ay nakakabulabog at bumubuo ng galos sa teritoryong ito na pinamumunuan ng kalalakihan. mundong agresibo. mabilis pa ikot nito sa elesi kapag pinindot na ang number 3 sa bentilador.  sumabay ka, pwede ba? mapapag-iwanan ka na. bilhan mo kong lipstick na may lalagyang ginintuan. pagkapulang matingkad pa sa sinag ng araw kapag dumampi sa labi para maging kapansin-pansin. kojic at lotion, para makisabay sa mga umuusbong na pamantayan na nagdudugtong-dugtong sa pagitan ng mga puwang sa globo. siguradong kaputian mo ang kukuwadro sa koloreteng hindi ugnay sa iyong pagmumukha. tiyakin mo na ring kabisado mo ang pagpapaandar ng kalan. pantayan mo ang bugso nito. mananabik ang magiging asawa mo! agresibong silakbo, mahinhin na anyo. pag-aagawan at susubukang tawaran, bibilhin at papakiusapan hangga't kapresyo na ng isang bayan ang aking katawan.  dahil cheap at pokpok ang dating ng iba, pero taliwas, syempre, kapag tayo gagawa. ilang dekada na kayang itinatanim ng telebisyon ang kaisipang kailangan nating patunayan ang ating pagiging kanais-nais? wala ba akong ibang papel kundi maging palamuti ng iba; maging claudine barretto na tutumbas sa isang malawak na dagat ng mga rico yan? ipag-ayos ka ng hapag-kainan pagdating mo sa bahay, at patuloy na mabuhay sa isang paulit-ulit na siklo hanggang sa mawalan ako ng kamalayan sa pagitan ng imahinasyon at katotohanan?  wala namang pasikut-sikot pa ang pangarap sa akin ni mama. magtapos, magkapera, magkapamilya. pero mahirap tahakin ang mabato at bako-bakong mundo, lalo na't tila lahat ay hinahatak mula sa'yo ang mga talang sinusubukan mong abutin. kompetisyon ang (halos) lahat, hindi dahil nais natin, kundi dahil ito ang itinurong daan sa kaniya ng paligid na nagpalaki sa kaniya. umuwing panalo, manaig bilang kaisa-isang nakaangat, at subukang sabayan ang katotohanan na iba talaga ang nilikhang landas para sa atin ng maykapal. dahil ano't-anong mangyari, babae pa rin ako, sabi nga ni papa. kahit sabihin kong gusto ko ng vilma santos na papares sa aking nora aunor, kahit palitan ko pang polo ang aking mga bestida at patigasin ang aking asta. kahit nga ipinta ko pa sarili ko bilang isang maria clara! lalaki ang magbibigay depinisyon sa aking kada kilos at salita. ang magbibigay liwanag sa aking pagkakakilanlan, ang magdadala sakin sa hinahanap-hanap na kasukdulan. gawing prayoridad ang katawan at hindi ang pagkatao, para bang sumisigaw na ang aking mga lamang-loob na "gamitin mo na kasi ako!" bakit kaya? bakit kaya? napapairap ang aking mata, habang inis naman ang pumapalibot sa sistema. maaaninag sa likod ng aking kaisipan ang iba't-ibang teorya at kilusan na bumunga sa iba't-ibang mga henerasyon. babae ka ba talaga, mama? parang nalalasahan mo pa rin sa iyong dila ang mga kaisipan at kalokohan na nauso noong nineteen-kopong-kopong pa. mapait, matipuno, at nakakapaggunita ng mga nilipasang araw na dumaan sa kasukalan ng siyudad. aspaltong naluto na sa sinag ng araw at pandesal na pinalamanan ng pangcacatcall bilang almusal. pero kapag lumubog na ang araw at tulog na ang lahat, doon lamang umaapaw ang pasasalamat sa aking dugo. sa mga ganitong panahon tumatatak sa kalooban ko ang mga paghihirap na pinagdaanan niya, maging pagbubuntis niya sa akin sa edad na bente dos o pagsuko sa pagtupad sa kaniyang mga pangarap para lamang totohanin ang sa anak niya.  at sa mga ganitong sandali, aking napapansin na mas babae pa siya kaysa sa akin. mas lalaki pa siya sa lalaki. mas matatag pa siya sa gusaling pinatibay ng kung ano man. kinaya niyang bumulwak palabas ng mga matataas na harang na itinatag ng makalumang panahon, para lamang ako'y makabangon.   0 Comments

02/18/2023 10:46 PM  she said, she said, she said... parking lot kisses and soda tab valentines. always cheek to cheek, intentions always folded, hung, pressed, and finely tuned to perfection. what is there to get angry about when you are mx. right here, right now? the reflection in your eyes bears no semblance to the past, and in your words i hear no preamble to tomorrows spent together, with greying hair and decaying bodies. we are tangled in between youthful promises and light vodka-induced brashness. throw caution to the wind and take rationality to the recycling bin. riding the clock's hands and never looking past the periphery, being caricatures of longtime cliches and being masters of the moment. i like how my soul is still a free spirit that somehow finds its way towards you when it feels like it. never bound by fate, never pressured to bet our next few decades on lucky stars. we are just ghosts who float through skylines and indulge in ephemerality. 0 Comments

01/10/2023 07:15 PM  i thought i loved you, it was just how you looked in the light better off against worse for wear. i like the illusion; i like the magic that wears off once it's beyond six o' clock. the shadows that elegantly frame your face during dawn, your sincere gaze that follows smog-covered city lights and your hushed whispers that yearn for the present to be extended. the warmth that only lasts for mere moments, the gentle stir in your voice when there's the shyest hint of a fluster in your system. this is the de-facto arrangement to end all de-facto arrangements. lace my feelings with uncertainty and come up with a recipe for some omnipotent, cerebral form of stockholm syndrome. both blissfully aware of the fleeting joys brought by ephemeral intimacy, because it's easier to take a shortcut than cross mountains to get to its benefits. even the jury knows what we have has sent me into a flurry. into a hazardous spiral of a blizzard that makes me take one step back every time i take three forward. maybe it's just the years coming into shape, calling you forward. my clocks lag behind the ones in your world, or so i think. 0 Comments

01/07/2023 02:29 PM  few weeks too many junior drama, bachelorette anxieties. twisted spine, brain beaten black-and-blue. an abundance of nonsense for lips that only seal shut when another mouth is on it. affinity in unadulterated teenage filth, shameless and sinful, horrible and hormonally-motivated; just wild wreckages waiting to tear each other apart... static. radio silence. feel around all you want, but the words will never taste adequate on your tongue. so laconically dramatic, a curated portrayal of certainty that keeps me up all night. SO F***ING DUMB! what happened to living in the moment? 0 Comments

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09/30/2022 03:52 PM  of all the damn gin joints... tw// s*x*al assault because sometimes i really do want to know what its like to f***ing be you. the flag is half-mast, but that doesn't matter anymore. walk past it. walk past it... burn it to the ground, watch the flames eat it up and have burnt ashes for leftovers. it's been so long it shouldn't even matter anymore. but do you remember the way i gutted out my own heart and cannibalized my soul just to have what we had? paid my respects to the comfort of my indifferences and drove off in the hopes of never looking back.  why are you driving me back to where i started? you got me out of here, dug me out of the soil like stolen ethnic artifacts. put me on display in front of fluorescent lightbulbs hot enough to melt my eyeballs out of my eye sockets. inside a little glass case, posed to perfection and carefully curated to exhaust the most appeal amidst the most appealing. the plate on my exhibit is scratched and the text is barely legible. it's everything you ever wanted until it isn't. f*** looking after the things you worked hard to covet. let them f***ing rot. because like the greedy english colonizers some people will just always want more than they already have. hold the world in the palm of your hands, maybe have its clouds wrapped around your pathetic little fingers. tell me when it's time to rain with tears and when it's time to put on a pretty smile for you. so docile and easily impressed, blissfully convinced passion is more than enough.  "you only hold me up like this... cause you don't know who i really am." i always knew i was just another girl on your hit list. another one to cross out when the fun's over, another one for the books (of friendly mistakes and amicable regrets.)  snooze past getting to know each other and fast forward to getting me in between your legs and on top of your sheets. f*** me even when the way i shake my head says otherwise. we only get along when my mouth's below your belt and when your hands are tugging at my scalp. we have nothing in common except for the scent of me embedded in the threads of your blankets. i speak through moans and you respond in gestures that hit just right. pretend it never mattered, pretend i sent meteors to crash down your ego just to watch it fall apart. pretend i didn't sell my peace to fund your comfort. ...ate at the wood of my ship until we both had nowhere else to stay. sank to the bottom of the ocean, but you still held onto the void that i cling onto so i could survive. your selfishness was a f***ing termite to my psyche. because i thought that my hair sprawled across your pillow meant something else. why the emphasis on lasciviousness and not on the way we held each other like it was our last night on earth? repeat. repeat. repeat. surely there was more to it than nights spent letting lovebites bloom across your chest. maybe i need to hear you moan out my name again. maybe i need another dose of the thrill you can only ever acquire from hidden rendezvous, always so down, dirty, and breathless. easy pleasure from a cheap sensation under covers. i was busy stitching my heart next to yours. i didn't know you were undoing the threads behind my back and preparing for the next body you'd bring home. maybe i just want redemption for all the times you kicked me to the curb like i never meant a thing to you. maybe i just want redemption for the fact that my "no"s escaped somewhere through the air; how my hesitation and fatigue were not enough to stop your hand from snaking through my thighs. feeling so dumbfounded, bloody, and beaten. you only like it when the checkerboard flag waves in the air, you only like the chase and the stances we pull at the starting line. you don't have the guts to stick it out until the end of the race. f***ing coward. keep signing up for the next few matches, and i'll watch you burn yourself out quicker than the last time. every. single. time. you're only good when you begin, but when tomorrow comes you'll want out again. love is a commodity you get for free, but you never get enough of it anyway. i hope it f***ing runs out on you. can't face myself, can't understand why i look for you in faces that don't even resemble you. can't understand why i still want something that never wanted me, why i still want something that violated me and ripped me to pieces. you never f***ing loved me. i was just a placeholder. like everyone else you romantically associate with. you spend too much time running in circles instead of working on yourself. i don't know whether to pity you or regret that i spent so much time on nothing.   0 Comments

09/19/2022 12:33 AM  09-19-22, 00:33AM navigating the post-heartbreak world: cut my hair w a razor, now the flat iron is my bff, wrote my first (of hopefully many) captions for school, in the middle of writing songs to turn into our first demos.. navigating the world in ways i once refused to i used to long for heartbreak. i saw it as a smoking gun of juvenile maturity and the pinnacle of creativity. i would enter situationships where i gambled my heart and put it at a disadvantage just to get the hurt i only ever felt through music that had more experience than i did, bc i thought that the immense pain i envisioned would help me create masterpieces too. but theres a difference between viewing heartbreak as an accessory and having it crash down your senses in waves.  first kisses, first nights in, first everything.. evenings you swore would be your first and last. when you get used to the warmth of limbs tangled in between each other, your soul wants nothing else in the world. when you share it and force it to abandon its solitary status, it gets used to the company and forgets how to live without it after it gets forcibly ripped apart. but thats where the hurt comes, and thats where the anger comes, and thats where the creativity comes, and your desire to make something beautiful out of the shock that flushes through ur entire body. "just as long as u save a piece for me..." because pulp's lyrics are anything but mature and withstanding. but the thought stands still. we'll never be who we used to be, and the times wont be like they used to be. the sun won't rise the same way, the moonlight will never shine on us in the dark like it did a hundred summer nights ago. we're growing changing and evolving... but we can only pray that the memories we made stick somewhere in the core of your mind. leave a morsel of me inside your head.  and b.), i am the one minute friend.. i am su li zhen. i am the one who avoids ticking clocks and certain times of the night.. the one who used to be unable to imagine how fleeting those fleeting touches truly could be?! but there comes a time when u need to swallow it all up and go back to macao anyway (and u have to do it sooner than soon enough, because otherwise you'll just end up suffocating ur mind with what ifs.) i think im doing better than expected for myself (xcept for the 6 planets in retrograde bc theyre f***ing w me REALL HARDD), and i actually end up liking the effect of being half-blindsided from everything thats happened so quickly. art comes to me easily, songs sound better than they used to, determination is at an all time high (most of the time). its a great thing to learn from, and im excited to move forward. its not the easiest thing to do, but its the most fascinating. if i cld wish for one thing, it would be for the process to go by quickly 0 Comments

08/01/2022 03:18 AM  wishhh i kneweweee.... i will always be the forgotten needle in a stack of hay, the melted puddle of cheap ice cream on a summer-infested pavement. too this for that, too quiet for something so loud. leftover gunpowder that fails to ignite and spark. i do not spring up with color like everyone else. i just settle at the bottom and stick out like a sore thumb. f*** me?! or don't. the magnitude of my vigor is undetectable and easily forgotten anyway. i rely on the rare euphoria of feeling wanted every once in a while. it is so nice to know that i am as important to others as they are to me (only occasionally.) maybe i only exist to reminisce on damp lonely thursdays and wonder why i lack everything and think of what could have been. what is it that others have that i do not??!!>! i could be everyone else for you if i could. paint pictures of me with the head of someone else... a portrait of wishful thinking or two. 0 Comments

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