04/12/2024 10:07 PM  Sometimes, Sometimes: the best way to get from point a to point b is to converge at the infallible intersection of being intertwined with an individual… today i laced my coffee with heterosexual intentions. say i can't take it black like you do, so brave and brash. positive reception. my shot glass is always half-full though, doubts flooding it to the brim. you down yours with a pint of stallion-scented supremacy – living quickly, carelessly... on a whim. sappho has sent me into exile.  maybe this is worth it, i think... maybe your side of the world is worth my while. suddenly my lover is not my bag of bones to bury in my bunker; the surprise of professing the wonders of our romance beyond the closet hidden six feet under. my eyes saw your entity beyond the conventions and constraints, but my hands slipped into yours, the sizeable difference beyond restraint – my heart tugged at how physically, and traditionally, between us, i was small finally normal for once, finally collapsing at the common benchmark – my identity overhauled happiness with you meant calculated free falls and second guesses, wishing i could smell the flowers in your hair or put you in my dresses the patriarchy is beyond heaven, hell, purgatory, and everything on the rise you're in a club i'll never get in, with your friends i will always secretly ever-so-slightly despise in that relationship, i imagined, it would be possible to enjoy multiple chapters of life but i also saw a future scribbled with regret; with the possibility of being nothing more than a wife i don't want to live in tomorrows with a constant sucker punch to the gut – one day i will wave my colors and tell the world who i am; no ifs, thens, or buts.   0 Comments

03/13/2024 08:46 PM  kerosene killed the knight (and took down the rooks and kings with them) strike one. strike two. strike three. maybe this time the candle won't go out so easily. scratch the head against the rough surface. again. do it again, and again, and again, and again...  let young love's complexities ascend into flames. let potential combust. pretentious perspectives of "what we could be" only fuels the fire further. douse our excitement in gasoline... does it even matter when we'll both fall into ashes anyway? keep the light on. let it burn in the middle of cold, amateur hearts that can barely keep up with the last beat so we can stay warm. you mirror the way my hands reach for the heat in the middle of the northeast monsoon's february leftovers, but that's all we are. that's all we do. that's the only rhythm the pounding sensations in our chests are familiar with. i've outgrown my bundle of insecurities, but i find myself continuously knitting its bottom half to stay sheltered from the chill. there's no sense in wrapping your arms around me. we both wear thick coats of adolescent fragility; no heat to radiate... only solace and comfort in knowing our limbs are awkwardly tangled in the same way. a relentless, transcient twin fantasy. i'd ask you to take it off and bare your soul for me, but even the vibrations inside your bones know all we can give each other are carefully curated half-baked impressions that only leave room for the surface ever so slightly. good thing we (unknowingly) wear our amygdalas on our sleeves. a picture of our potential paints the scratched matchbox surface, but the ink is cheap and rubbing off. the friction charges up a fire... but it fizzles, and crackles out, and the match dies out before i can even begin to tell you how i actually feel. let the longing for your affection ignite another one. "maybe there is love behind narrow roads and turnstiles." i blame the nagging voice in my head for thinking we could be who i thought we would be. we thrived on adrenaline in spaces only our pairs of eyes are aware of... and i got so lightheaded on the sensation that i wallowed in the wistful wonder of waiting. of wishing and wanting to put all my faith in our prospects. i thought i saw the faintest glimmer of a promise in your eyes... but that was just a reflection of me cremating forgotten promises. i took it a little too seriously and etched each and every letter meticulously onto my veins. now all that flows inside of me is the reverence and attachment i have for everything temporary. backspace. backspace. there will be another time and place for things that we've skipped over. i cup my hands over the blazing flames. the candle wax has been melting, dripping on unassuming, beat up suede shoes for centuries now. the monsoon moans angrily. "how much longer are you going to wait?" it asks me. in the river reflecting the moonlight all i see is a fool melting herself into a puddle of fervor. i'd do anything to keep you warm.   0 Comments

02/26/2024 09:53 AM  in this life i'd let you drink all my beer i put our son on timeout that day. and he has been in timeout ever since. one day after another.  i knew very early on that i could not love someone whom i was also able to hate. why would i throw up my guts behind your back and then swallow all the conflict-induced bile the moment you turned around? i'm certain you felt the same way. no number of conversations concerning cinema could erase the eventual disrespect and disagreements that eventually came around. quote me directly... and ask me to find the next way out. these were problems bigger than all the steps our shaky, two left feet could take. take the child, you told me through crackled, choppy audio. keep the monkey because he is a symbol of the love you would not be able to give me anymore. he knew our initials inscribed in a heart beneath his tail became meaningless long before you even said a word.......and you do not know the night i saw red, wondering why love had to make me feel like a charity case, begging for the tiniest bits of what "more" could be. hot tears flowing down my cheeks and dripping down my chest. screaming until all my lungs knew was YellYELLyellyellYELL and ringing your phone just to beg for an answer. squeezing your "symbol of love" with my fists until i could feel the plush disintegrate from inside because up until that point love had meant compromise (and not being in disbelief thinking i'm insane). he sits in the corner now. along with that pillow of your face i lost in the sea of trinkets and furniture inside my room. i used to wake up to reminders of you in bed and now i cannot even function properly if i am reminded with the most fleeting memory of who you once were to me. i thought i would be able to relearn to love you. i thought lying in your embrace in the grass would be like a careful, memorized dance we would still know the steps to. and i quickly realized it wasn't when i could not bring myself to kiss you, your face inches away from mine. i always used to. he is still in timeout. and i can't stare at the corner of my room for too long or else monkey will make me remember how you told me i'm helping you break the curse of groundhog day by loving you unconditionally. now we have to relive the motions of every single day pretending we never existed to each other. seeing the same sights and hearing the same sounds. again and again. over and over. except you're snipped out of the picture this time. i try and try to hate you, i try to remember the disrespect and the disregard. but i know that my heart is full, and it does not deny the fact that i once loved you. and i will always keep that love stored and preserved, even if i will not be able to experience it firsthand anymore. your flowers are still decaying on the table. your letter is still on my shelf. the book you gave me still stands alongside the other books i've never read. i can't bring myself to throw away my bracelet with your name on it. i still have our pictures, but i've hardly looked through them. i once loved you. and wishful thinking permits me to believe that fate will let me relearn how to love you again, allow me to retrace our steps and figure out where it all went wrong. because even if i once loved you like a devotee, how i feel for you is not transient. i still love you, as a lesson, because i will never be able to love you like i once did. i wish we stayed friends. i wish we kept it that way.   0 Comments

02/10/2024 11:02 PM  twitter thread - 02-09-24 me and you...setting in a honeymoon – prettier and younger, but not any better off. 02:39 am I tweeted this on the day of prom itself, we had just gotten together and we skipped a whole ass ceremony to dance to And Yet It Moves by formerly maryknoll in the lobby by ourselves :) 02:41 am I'm really gonna miss him and all the music we introduced to each other, i'm gonna miss the banter we used to have about music charts and albums and all these different songs, i'm gonna miss talking about the latest releases with him and teaching each other new genres 02:43 am I'm gonna miss calling him my feverfew, i'm gonna miss his penchant for giving me flowers, i'm gonna miss how he always remembered the little things – i'm gonna miss how he would give me my favorite sweets and feed me candy 02:44 am I miss how we would navigate through the entirety of katipunan avenue just to have alone time, i miss how calm everything seemed when we were close to each other, i miss starting the day with hugs and ending it with goodbye kisses, i miss falling asleep on each other in the grass 02:46 am I miss late night phone calls and super quick book reviews, I miss discussing existentialist philosophers and postmodern art, I miss discussing arthouse cinema and talking about the movies we would see, I miss telling him how much I love filipino culture I miss having him listen to how much i love fashion, i miss listening to him talk about his favorite designers and styles (opium daw amputa), i miss staying up late and showing him the outfits i wanna wear, i miss critiquing the looks he would send me, i miss ukay together 02:48 am I miss gigs and shows, i miss listening to him sing me sweet songs on his guitar, i miss his sweet voice and his careful murmurs, i miss silly dancing and gliding across cement floors, i miss talking about the music scene with him and the art he wanted to create 02:49 am I miss it, i miss everything, from our monkey videos to our nonstop humorous banter that we still had until our last video call (in a while). We had so many plans, when we called we agreed we thought '24 would be our summer 02:50 am I remember listening to Hotline TNT and he told me this year we would be like the album "Nineteen and In Love" .... we planned to go so many places, see so many things, listen to so much more music, see more movies and more local shows... we had so much in store for us 02:51 am Everything is so much easier now, cus our relationship was pretty much sinking, but i miss who we were. And i miss being teens that didnt know better crashing into abandoned churches, drinking sh*tty alcohol and listening to car seat headrest as a joke 02:54 am We planned to visit each other in university and go on dates on our free time, we planned to graduate high school together and go to grad ball together, we really thought we would have had it a little bit longer. I thought i would see his flowers again with my grad cap 02:55 am We always reassured each other we weren't permanent, cause we wanted to explore our youth. But i guess im kind of sad we got farther than we expected, cause ive grown so attached to him. I really kind of wanted it to be him, malabo man kasi nga sabi nila Im Just A Girl 02:57 am This thread is so long it reads like a eulogy but i care so deeply about you, jo. and in the depths of my heart i still love you like a devotee loves their saint, but i cant believe im gonna have to live in a world where my love for you is as shallow as the tides on a good day. You made some of my teenage years worthwhile, and i went on so many juvenile adventures with you no one would be able to believe. I am so happy i got to spend a year and three months with someone as amazing as you. I hope we both succeed in life 0 Comments

12/25/2023 02:30 AM  appalachian anxieties dear seventh wonder... i live down under in these blankets that we suffocate in. just soil and lumber, hidden from rain and thunder in this closet that traps me again and again. how many more times should i pretend? andagainandagain. FEELING LIKE... a neverending dead end that i should CRAWL OUT BUT... you kiss me here and you give me space, i know my place, you dig me my grave. trapped, secluded, too much to bear. cause secrecy's a solemn swear. my courage mustered... but you never even bothered to give me the time of day. oaths never uttered, our rope just stuck in an endless fray. and again, and again. how many more times should i pretend? andagainandagain. insert solo repeat chor... you kiss me here 0 Comments

08/26/2023 10:07 PM  just to keep us warm... and i try to come to terms with the bridges set aflame, but all i do is lay in the ashes and ruins of yesterday. knocking on withered doors with chipped paint in the hopes of an answer but there is nothing left to hear except for the hollow death of the past, no path left to cross, no words left to be said. they charred the road to what was once considered home, and all i could do was watch as i ignited a part of me. alive and aware, my brain on its own to numb the yearning for who i once was. here i am pulsating, surviving, with a fraction of my identity i tirelessly keep trying to revive. do i continue bleeding for revenge and spite, or for another chance at self-fulfillment? a desperate wish to relish in my pride like everyone else, but the most i can do is admit shame and hide under the guise of cognizance. i still want what once was. the grass is always more vibrant on the other side. i turn away and snip off blooming buds of flowers. maybe i could be something more. 0 Comments

06/28/2023 02:04 AM  tax evasion on the isle of lesbos the intentions of my heart were washed ashore-       the moment i saw the disillusion behind your eyes i built walls from it to make a front for denial. so f***ing cool i think i want to be just like you! all i have known are factory reject puzzle pieces and late night prayers that serve as sacrifice for the so-called sacrilege i surreptitiously savor. the known unknown, the closets we bury six feet underground to keep love alive. i revealed my deepest intentions in bunkers and fleeting fallacies in the darkness only bright enough to form foggy shadows. to love i had to pay the price, to hold hands i kept warmth under wraps in cotton-polyester blends. poems i hid behind tight-lipped promises and affirmations i uttered in hushed whispers. fainter than needles that descend on tiled floors and intent louder than the steady ticks of the metronome inside my heart. every romantic affair was a scandalous one until it wasn't. until my fingers were molded and curved to fit in between long locks of hair intertwined with the scent of fruit and flowers. until i could paint sunsets in dreams of tomorrows, until i could mask my sorrows with the taste of honey. no longer was i digging my own grave just to love, because one day the sun shone on my premature headstone. it reflected hues in agreement...but then all my eyesight did was reflect these strokes of acceptance back to a vision far detached from the mundane madness of reality. break my bones... stick them together with stone... a fortress of dissent i bonded together with mortar and hoped for the best. all i have ever known is how to be an alien. your chest is more the raft drifting along than the ocean's unceasing pulse on a good day, kisses more like the caramel taffy stuck in the divots of molar teeth than the soft snap of dark chocolate once bitten into. but still i find myself lighting up cities for you, brought to life by regrets ignited, beaten black and blue. only this time there's a crowd, assuming in the midst of our unassuming presence...for my fingers there is no longer any need to be caught in between loose threads, our figures nuclear and standard. cheered upon in unison. lived through surmised lies twice;  and all i needed all along was a threat greater than oddity. it started with nearly-missed chances, it continues over and under obstacles, it follows along where fate passes through........my pride has led me to...........   0 Comments

05/26/2023 02:11 AM  ephemerality is the greatest sin forever was a few months ago. your body next to mine. stars shining brighter than ever. crisp evening air heightening every sensation there was to be felt on the cold, chalky pavement. i am a dusty stargazer, covered in years-old cement and grime. i look for meaning in the constellations and the crescent moon that skewedly hangs in the sky but i end up finding it in your eyes. my starry-eyed darling, my angel whom i hold so near and dear to me... in your pupils i trace hearts and in your smile i am able to make out the revolution. forever was a few weeks ago, your heart set aglow, traced by the illustration of mary's very own atop your chest (and across mine). we like stormy skies and parking lot promises, only this time they last longer than twenty four hours. we like kisses and light touches, only this time with less fervor and more control. we let our love speak for itself.  forever was a few hours ago, our current fate etched in wood and in memories we'll carry for the rest of our lives. forever is all that we have, forever is however long god will lend me your presence. sing me to sleep, hold me for a bit. make me quick promises and let me drown you in kisses. the days i can no longer keep up with and the hours i cannot count, but even the most mundane moments with you carve out a large crater in my heart. stay there for a while. for a good while. i'll eventually figure out how to fill up a you-sized hole when you leave it. my heavenly dearest... my darling boy... i could never resist you 0 Comments

03/28/2023 10:27 PM  When the pawn my one and holy, my one and lonely. and you take from my cup the grace of teenage sacrilege, but it's adrenaline-driven escapades and short-lived moments of blood rushing to my head that i kneel to. brashness and last-minute lies don't pierce through your soul the same way they do through mine. it is only through your lips that i am able to taste an upbringing built on bottlerocket bannisters and critically acclaimed vengeance. it's the same gentle hands made up of fingers tenderly cascading through my hair that possess callousness and carelessness only a man would be capable of... but that's to be expected when you've always held the world in your hands.  0 Comments

02/24/2023 03:04 PM  miss, miss, pakitigil lang please... panaginip o pantasya? 'di na makakaila, mahilig magpabili si mama. punta ka rito, daan ka diyan, kuha mo kong ganito, bumili kang ganyan. kung saan-saan napapadpad ang musmos kong mga paa na nag-iipon ng iba't-ibang karanasan sa malawak na mundong ito, kung saan kahit ang presensya ko lamang bilang kababaihan ay nakakabulabog at bumubuo ng galos sa teritoryong ito na pinamumunuan ng kalalakihan. mundong agresibo. mabilis pa ikot nito sa elesi kapag pinindot na ang number 3 sa bentilador.  sumabay ka, pwede ba? mapapag-iwanan ka na. bilhan mo kong lipstick na may lalagyang ginintuan. pagkapulang matingkad pa sa sinag ng araw kapag dumampi sa labi para maging kapansin-pansin. kojic at lotion, para makisabay sa mga umuusbong na pamantayan na nagdudugtong-dugtong sa pagitan ng mga puwang sa globo. siguradong kaputian mo ang kukuwadro sa koloreteng hindi ugnay sa iyong pagmumukha. tiyakin mo na ring kabisado mo ang pagpapaandar ng kalan. pantayan mo ang bugso nito. mananabik ang magiging asawa mo! agresibong silakbo, mahinhin na anyo. pag-aagawan at susubukang tawaran, bibilhin at papakiusapan hangga't kapresyo na ng isang bayan ang aking katawan.  dahil cheap at pokpok ang dating ng iba, pero taliwas, syempre, kapag tayo gagawa. ilang dekada na kayang itinatanim ng telebisyon ang kaisipang kailangan nating patunayan ang ating pagiging kanais-nais? wala ba akong ibang papel kundi maging palamuti ng iba; maging claudine barretto na tutumbas sa isang malawak na dagat ng mga rico yan? ipag-ayos ka ng hapag-kainan pagdating mo sa bahay, at patuloy na mabuhay sa isang paulit-ulit na siklo hanggang sa mawalan ako ng kamalayan sa pagitan ng imahinasyon at katotohanan?  wala namang pasikut-sikot pa ang pangarap sa akin ni mama. magtapos, magkapera, magkapamilya. pero mahirap tahakin ang mabato at bako-bakong mundo, lalo na't tila lahat ay hinahatak mula sa'yo ang mga talang sinusubukan mong abutin. kompetisyon ang (halos) lahat, hindi dahil nais natin, kundi dahil ito ang itinurong daan sa kaniya ng paligid na nagpalaki sa kaniya. umuwing panalo, manaig bilang kaisa-isang nakaangat, at subukang sabayan ang katotohanan na iba talaga ang nilikhang landas para sa atin ng maykapal. dahil ano't-anong mangyari, babae pa rin ako, sabi nga ni papa. kahit sabihin kong gusto ko ng vilma santos na papares sa aking nora aunor, kahit palitan ko pang polo ang aking mga bestida at patigasin ang aking asta. kahit nga ipinta ko pa sarili ko bilang isang maria clara! lalaki ang magbibigay depinisyon sa aking kada kilos at salita. ang magbibigay liwanag sa aking pagkakakilanlan, ang magdadala sakin sa hinahanap-hanap na kasukdulan. gawing prayoridad ang katawan at hindi ang pagkatao, para bang sumisigaw na ang aking mga lamang-loob na "gamitin mo na kasi ako!" bakit kaya? bakit kaya? napapairap ang aking mata, habang inis naman ang pumapalibot sa sistema. maaaninag sa likod ng aking kaisipan ang iba't-ibang teorya at kilusan na bumunga sa iba't-ibang mga henerasyon. babae ka ba talaga, mama? parang nalalasahan mo pa rin sa iyong dila ang mga kaisipan at kalokohan na nauso noong nineteen-kopong-kopong pa. mapait, matipuno, at nakakapaggunita ng mga nilipasang araw na dumaan sa kasukalan ng siyudad. aspaltong naluto na sa sinag ng araw at pandesal na pinalamanan ng pangcacatcall bilang almusal. pero kapag lumubog na ang araw at tulog na ang lahat, doon lamang umaapaw ang pasasalamat sa aking dugo. sa mga ganitong panahon tumatatak sa kalooban ko ang mga paghihirap na pinagdaanan niya, maging pagbubuntis niya sa akin sa edad na bente dos o pagsuko sa pagtupad sa kaniyang mga pangarap para lamang totohanin ang sa anak niya.  at sa mga ganitong sandali, aking napapansin na mas babae pa siya kaysa sa akin. mas lalaki pa siya sa lalaki. mas matatag pa siya sa gusaling pinatibay ng kung ano man. kinaya niyang bumulwak palabas ng mga matataas na harang na itinatag ng makalumang panahon, para lamang ako'y makabangon.   0 Comments

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