Last Login:
January 24th, 2023

Gender: Female

Age: 23
Country: United States

Signup Date:
October 27, 2019


01/24/2023 01:24 PM 

hobbies n happy thoughts

I've beene feeling better ever since taking a break from school! I've been able to focus on my hobbies more and it feels nice. I feel like this is what I want from life. Just working a bit and relaxing. I wish I could stay like this forever, but without the depression.
Hobbies I've been workin on:
  ☆video games
  ☆reading(well...I'm trying to..)

07/12/2021 01:51 AM 

little things

content note: depression/mental illness, alcohol, substance abuse mentions
Recently.,.,.,; I have felt pretty awful..I'm falling behind on schoolwork.,my peers are graduated while my mental illnesses have dragged me down, I'm not ... as functioning. I used to be a hard worker and dedicated student but this last year of school was h3LL. The pandemic exacerbated my depression, anxiety, and OCD,, but I'm grateful my loved ones and I are relatively healthy. Thinking about my final assignments (which I need to do in order to finally get this degree.;,,) make me feel physically sick and mentally anguished. My mind wanders into panic mode, but I am thankfully able to dial it back. I just feel ......inferior,. especially when I compare myself to my friends and classmates. I know I shouldn't compare but it's so difficult not to. I think my family expects me to be at this stage, ~graduating undergrad, building a career~, but I feel as though I need to relearn how to be human and make habits of the basic functions I neglect when in a particularly bad depressive episode. I wish I could drink and feel bubbly and buzzed more often, but I know I'd come to constantly feeling as if I had to be drunk in order to feel anything but numb and horrible like my medications have made me feel. My family's long history of alcoholism has made it clear it runs in the family, and unfortunately, relying on alcohol to help me feel better will only lead to further issues.

For now, I'm going to paint my nails black, potentially start reading again, and watch a few youtube videos..these little things really bring a drop of light into my day,....it's these small sparks that let me feel happy to simply exist regardless of following/not following conventional definitions of productivity.

if anyone is reading this i hope you are having an ok or better day!! ♥

sending you lots of love (◕ω◕❀)

if this was a mess to read..im sorry im

sleepy and have a lot on my mind lol ♡


  • ٩(๑> ₃ <)۶♥

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11/09/2019 11:27 PM 

depression + doing thingz
Current mood:  anxious

i don't know why it's so hard for me to get anything done :c

my therapist says i should see a psychiatrist to see if i have ADD because my focus and attention are soooo bad, i'm going to see my psych soon which is good. it's really so hard for me to focus :c
i hope we can talk about something to help me with that.
i don't even do things i enjoy...i just waste my time. i feel like i'm wasting my life..like i'm wasting away. i want to be able to get into hobbies i enjoy and get my homework done...sometimes when i go to the library i look around and see people just typing away....how do they do that? how do they just do that?? i really don't know how. i try to tell myself to just do it,,  just do your work,, stop thinking about other things..just do it...  but i don't.
i don't know what to do. i hope my appointment goes well and something good comes out of it..
i don't really like my psychiatrist i think. i don't know. they're so cold and unemotional,,, they seem so unempathetic.."i'm sorry to hear that. let's give you these pills. email me if you need anything." idk. it's just so....empty. i remember when i was telling them how hard it was for me to focus on homework so i couldn't even study when i tried to, they were just like "well you should." like ???? i know that!! that's why i'm here !! talking to you!!! help me!!! what am i supposed to do to actually be able to study ???!?!
ah. idk. i know i'll be ok eventually but it's so hard.

11/08/2019 07:20 PM 


i just need to be held

i'm not meant for this world
i just want to hit my head against a wall
i'm just so tired
leave me alone
give me attention
it takes so much out of me to do what you can do in a second
you work and work and smile and laugh and move
i am so slow
stuck, constantly just trying to take one step
i don't want to be me
there's so much i have to do
i can't even breathe

11/08/2019 03:13 AM 


i'm so tired

i don't know why i can't do anything
no it's ok, it'll get done
just another one
you don't have to sleep
stay up stay
please let me rest
i just want to rest
your hair
your hands
my nails
i just wanna sleep
please comfort me
stop stop stop
why am i not enough for you?

11/03/2019 11:37 PM 

Current mood:  stressed

howdy howdy! i don't wanna do homework :-P i just wanna watch moviezz!!! n play the sims!!!! smh. >.> need some movie recommendations :) also IM SO HAPPY MCR IS BACK 2GETHERRRR!!!!! LITERALLY ONE OF THE BEST THINGZ 2EVR HAPPEN IN THIS DECADE!!!!

10/27/2019 09:38 PM 

Hewwo! (。◕‿◕。✿)
Current mood:  anxious

Hewwo every1 :3 Nice to meet y'all ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ I'm just a dummi browsin' online instead of doing mi hw :-P I hope y'all are having a great nite !!!!  *:・゚✧(ꈍᴗꈍ)✧・゚:* wish me luck on my homework, i have so much to do!! (´_`。)

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