 |
little things
content note: depression/mental illness, alcohol, substance abuse mentions
Recently.,.,.,; I have felt pretty awful..I'm falling behind on schoolwork.,my peers are graduated while my mental illnesses have dragged me down, I'm not ... as functioning. I used to be a hard worker and dedicated student but this last year of school was h3LL. The pandemic exacerbated my depression, anxiety, and OCD,, but I'm grateful my loved ones and I are relatively healthy. Thinking about my final assignments (which I need to do in order to finally get this degree.;,,) make me feel physically sick and mentally anguished. My mind wanders into panic mode, but I am thankfully able to dial it back. I just feel ......inferior,. especially when I compare myself to my friends and classmates. I know I shouldn't compare but it's so difficult not to. I think my family expects me to be at this stage, ~graduating undergrad, building a career~, but I feel as though I need to relearn how to be human and make habits of the basic functions I neglect when in a particularly bad depressive episode. I wish I could drink and feel bubbly and buzzed more often, but I know I'd come to constantly feeling as if I had to be drunk in order to feel anything but numb and horrible like my medications have made me feel. My family's long history of alcoholism has made it clear it runs in the family, and unfortunately, relying on alcohol to help me feel better will only lead to further issues.
For now, I'm going to paint my nails black, potentially start reading again, and watch a few youtube videos..these little things really bring a drop of light into my day,....it's these small sparks that let me feel happy to simply exist regardless of following/not following conventional definitions of productivity.
if anyone is reading this i hope you are having an ok or better day!! ♥
sending you lots of love (◕ω◕❀)
if this was a mess to read..im sorry im
sleepy and have a lot on my mind lol ♡
|
anxious
stressed