09/15/2021 05:22 PM  carnival rides Current mood:  hopeful this life is like one of those carnival rides, the ones that take you up and spin you around. I used to love them as a kid, but now they just make me feel sick, but for some reason there's a smile I can see sitting next to me that keeps me spining. god is one cruel son of a bitch, but fate held my hand as i climbed into the seat he'd prepared for me.  I'm spinning like a child in the middle of a field, I'm spinning like that night I got heatstroke and couldn't stand up, and I might be sick or dead or dreaming, but even in the dead of night, you keep me focused. you keep me sane.  I'm even dreaming of the girl on this ride next to me. I hope she's okay. I hope she's safe. I hope my smile means even half as much as hers does to me.  1 Comments

04/17/2021 04:35 PM  I ran away from home I ran away from home. I thought of you. I wish I hadn't. It's been weeks and I keep sending you the words 'I miss you'. I hope when you say it back you're not lying. because I see the way you look at her hair, or his dress, or their face. and I wonder if it makes you feel the same as I do when you smile.  I'm so tired and so confused. I can't find the words to say I love you, and I can't find the words to tell you to leave me behind either.  I'm lost, and I'm scared, and the bad guys are chasing, and darkness is creeping it's way over me, and the camera's panning out and theres just forest and more forest and more forest and im stuck, so helplessly stuck. nothing is safe. I have no home to go to. there's only green envy. will my number come up eventally? but for some reason I keep living. I want it to stop. but the heart is a disastrous thing.  so I'll rip it out of its cage, for once and for all, and as it beats it's last rhythm, would you look over my shoulder, and see someone more your type? or would you curl your fingers around it, and wish there was more time? 0 Comments

02/12/2021 01:07 PM  always Current mood:  miserable when i go to sleep i wish it were really you that i saw before me, but it never is. i always open my eyes and I’m back in my bedroom that’s betrayed me a thousand times before. and now i know it's not possible for a little while longer.  a few hours ago i thought it were only two days i had to wait. now i know how quickly things can change. i wish things got easier. it feels like they never do. all i want is one more day, frozen in time, where you're wearing my red glasses, and telling me how different the world seems, like i had never thought to take a look through them before (in my heart, i think i was wearing them too). and sometimes when i’m at work they’ll play a troye sivan song, and the lyrics always remind me of you.  i would give anything for a day where we can just be together again. it really feels dumb to say i miss you, especially knowing its been just over a week. but god, does it feel like a lifetime. especially with these thoughts i’ve been holding. I think about you every slow and unrelenting day. and you're always busy and im always busy but i'll always sneak the time in for you. always. 0 Comments

02/05/2021 05:19 PM  ohio is for losers do you see that sun? it’s the same one that was in our eyes so long ago. and of course I got sunburned. but it was still worth it. it would have still been worth it if I were allergic to the sun and going to die the next day. if I could have died for you it would have been worth it.  and I wish we were still sitting on the bench beside that street somewhere in the city forever. telling stupid stories to pass the time and thinking about how I knew in a couple of hours I would desperately wish for this time again. and now I’m here. sitting on a couch in front of the television blaring something I couldn’t care less about and counting down the minutes until I see you again.  and I’m not sure if I’ve made it clear enough, but I guess what I’m saying is I wish you were here, pretty much every day and every waking hour. yea. and that’s all.    0 Comments

01/28/2021 05:40 PM  lie this is the emptiest “i love you” i’ll ever feel. you know that you don’t have to pretend with me, right? or maybe you're as blind as you are when i say i'm hurting right after you poison me. it’s painfully obvious and i'm not sure if you're turning a blind eye in hopes of saving me or hurting me. the thoughts about you are aroud every f***ing corner. i wish i’d never met you. i’m moody now. feeling like i should maybe run away or take what’s left of my life (would it really matter that much?) i feel like a kid who's been left alone in a park in the dead of night. i rely on you like i rely on the sun to come up every morning, even though i know there's nothing to suggest this will keep coming, i assume it will. maybe that was my downfall.  i knew you were bleeding when we first met, and I made note of it. I wish I’d’ve written it in capital letters. then maybe we wouldn't be here now. i’ve lied for you, multiple times now, and I’m wondering if you think you’d do the same to me. i hope you're a liar, or im f***ing gone.  i think about you a lot at night. i wish you did too but i have reason to believe i’m nowhere near the front of your mind right now. please just cut me up so i can walk away angry, and alive. because otherwise, i’m sinking like f***ing quicksand. i f***ing hate you. (that’s a lie.) oh, the things we inadvertently do to each other. 0 Comments

01/27/2021 06:14 PM  if this is falling, i don't want it Current mood:  apathetic it's almost like i can feel the acid in my stomache. i haven't felt like this since i was in high school. i know you're not mine -- and forgive me if im wrong -- but that's what we're doing here, right? I like to think that I see right through you but there's nothing more complicated than two teenage boys. if i said i was hurting would you hold me? or just give me a bandaid? I’m lost in thought and every single one is about you. it feels wrong to be saying that, maybe inappropriate even. I don't know what I’m doing, or how to do it right.  you make me feel so sick. even if the feeling was mutual, I’m so f***ed up that it would be a mistake on both of our ends. maybe if i had a bit more time to get better this could work. and it makes me wonder, would you wait for me? would you think of me when you're on the train home? or would i end up just another face on a long list of people who weren't worth it? either way your face has worked it’s way into my brain, buried so deep that no matter what i do, you'll always be my last thought before sleep. even if that sleep was a little longer than the others. i wish i was the type of person to throw my weight around but im such an apathetic motherf***er that ill swallow my pain without second thought. i wish i could punch you. I wish I could kiss you. will i ever be able to breathe again? i wish i could see what was hidden in your thoughts. i wonder what it would be like to live together. i want an end to the story, and i want to fade to black or smile for the rest of my life. could we do that some time? could we do that some time? and all those pop songs on the radio proudly proclaim that loving is so easy, so why is this so f***ing painful? If this is falling, I don’t want it.  it feels like no matter which way the gun is pointed, I’m still going to die.  0 Comments

01/18/2021 05:34 PM  bloodstained when will this cut scab over? it feels like i've been bleeding for centuries. everything i love’s been stained a dark red, and it's getting harder to wake up. if this cut was fatal I’d be dead ten times over, but mercy has yet to meet me. i live to die, and i each day i wake knowing i have one less to go. maybe if god were to send me an angel things would change, maybe i could learn to live to live. god and fate are lies anyway. if i were just a little younger maybe i could die for/of this. some kind of f***ed up martyr proving love doesn't exist. i wish i had a crystal ball so i could memorise my first kiss. so i could see you. just once. or will i die in the cold? bleeding and alone and spiraling down screaming about how i knew this was how it was all going to end. after all, someone has to die this way, and i can’t seem to believe that i’d find the medicine i need. i never fit the criteria for any of them. i’m going to strip back this metaphor now to tell you that i have issues with the way i look and sound and feel. and i’m not sure i can see past any of them. i think that i could write this until the end -- whether that be the end of life, or the end of pain. 0 Comments

07/30/2020 12:45 PM  and it’s the middle of winter and I’m freezing my f***ing ass off because apparently this this the only place I can have a glimpse of clarity. why are these clouds so close together? and where the f*** is the sun? I guess maybe if I turn around I might be able to see it, but I just can’t bring myself out of my own stupid ways. and I guess here comes that stone cold clarity I was rambling about earlier. you keep saying things and I keep feeling them. (even my shoes remind me of you. what the f*** is wrong with me.) my brain is crammed full of law lectures and empty shopping centres and your words and my feelings and... and... and... it feels like it never ends. I wish I had all my thoughts compartmentalised but that would take years so I’ll just salvage what my mind can regurgitate.  sometimes I wonder if after this is all over I’ll regret any of it, I think I just might. but for now my brain is a mess and I need to buy some more f***ing draws. maybe take care of myself a little - whatever that means.  but as always, things go on and infinity is waiting for us all at the end of it. so I guess in all, things aren’t so sh*tty.   thanks for everything, mikey. 0 Comments

06/14/2020 02:38 PM  red, yellow, green there are times much like these where the bite of the air tells me to stay under covers or my body will forget how to perform it's functions. and i wonder if i'll see the end of my calendar, at my own hand, or if i won't have to make it look like an accident. I used to have bloody noses a lot as a kid. at first i hated them,  but soon i was accostomed to the red drip, drip, drip of the substance that kept me alive. I'd've been thinking of that calendar quite a lot,  actually, if  i'd not been too occupied by the train tracks - just past that yellow line. and gatsby never knew what the green light meant. It means 'go'. and let me tell you,  I sure am ready. truth be told though - I am afraid. I am so terribly afraid.   0 Comments

04/22/2020 07:35 PM  a double edged sword tw - self harm I hate clocks counting down the time until tomorrow  and tomorrow... and tomorrow... and though these days feel infinite  I know soon i’ll be plunged into the darkness - once again  and i’ll forget it all - once again I am sometimes calmed by this but tonight it feels like I have made a new enemy  I wonder what time will be my last and how long it’ll take to get there the road ahead is a long one and truth be told, I don’t want to even think about it.  the future, embellished as it may be holds no light but maybe it holds hope a double edged sword, that,  hopefully, will slit my wrists before I feel again 0 Comments

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