06/08/2020 01:18 PM  AFFLICTED HEARTZ CLOTHING Current mood:  headphones Hello my emo and scene friends! As you have probably noticed, 2000's style emo clothing is kinda hard to come by these days. You really have to dig around on resale websites like ebay and poshmark to really find a vintage fashioncore shirt. But look no further! Afflicted Heartz has created a new brand with your favorite ragdoll characters Xavier and Aurelia to fit your emo heart's desires! We currently have three deigns to choose from and there are plenty more to come! You can find these shirts on the Afflicted Heartz Teespring shop below! AFFLICTED HEARTZ STORE LINK: https://teespring.com/stores/afflicted-heartz-clothing 0 Comments

03/02/2020 11:49 PM  I Haven't Been PMing Much Lately. Here's Why... Current mood:  weird Ever since my uncle's death, a lot of stuff in my life has been uprooted. Lot's of old trauma and things to reflect on and it isnt fun. I have been having weird C-PTSD flashbacks for the past week. And when I go through these things I do not talk to people as much. The only person I stay in contact with is Tristan cause he's my boyfriend and he is a huge part of my life, and I never hide things from him. I've cut contact with a lot of close people for a while because I have been in such a weird limbo lately. I see my mother in a different light after my father sent me the last message she ever sent to him before she died ten years ago. She was calling my brother and I spoiled rotten and blaming my father for my misbehavior. And to be real that is perplexing. Cause a lot of my behavior was influenced by her isolating me from the family and also abandoning my brother and I without notice or contact whatsoever for years. I always heard she was a good person from everyone who knew her. But were they just saying those things to comfort me? I was just a child at the time. It looked like she was emotionally abusive to my father. I mean, she DID cheat on him with a 17 year old... I'm embarrassed to have half of her genetics in me. I almost became a carbon copy of her, but I caught myself before I dug myself too deep. I know my dad should have not showed me that screenshot. Im pretty sure that he had no one else to turn to and he is in a lot of pain right now. He misses and still loves my mother and is married to a narcissist. My dad seems to have a rough time finding decent women. And his flaw is that he is a little TOO loyal. I dont think he has any boundaries. Why is this 46 year old man coming to his 23 year old son for advice? He's a good man, but that only put me in a weird spot as well. I feel like everything I was told was a lie.  Im trying so hard to recapture that feeling of youth again. I miss being a teenager sometimes. Not all the time though, let's leave out the puberty and abuse from my step mom. There was just something so weird about those years. I get such odd nostalgia even though those years were some of the worst in my life. I dont talk to anyone I went to high school with anymore. I havent been to my home town in over a year and I only went once last year. I dont talk to my family much other than my brother and my dad. Everyone is growing up. Everyone is getting old. And some days I feel like I havent aged at all since I was 14. Sometimes I dissociate to this weird zone where I feel like it's 2011 again. Like its a hot summer day and I am relaxing in my bedroom with the windows open, the foliage was a vibrant green, I would either be playing my piano, or blasting my music through my television for the entire neighborhood to hear just to piss them off. I would listen to music and draw all day. I was wearing royal bones Tripp skinny jeans, rubber wristband merch all the way up my arms, studded belts, fingerless gloves, leather jackets, bandanas tied in my belt loop, studded rocker boots, converse, colorful hair.... I didnt have many friends. And despite being a scene kid I never really even fit in with the other scene/emo kids at my school. I was called creepy, spastic , weird...I was awkward. I wasnt necessarily bullied, everyone just avoided me. I honestly cant remember most of my high school teacher's names because I was dissociated most of the time. This was only five years ago and I forgot most of my high school experiences. The things that stood out to me the most was my internet escapades. My first online boyfriend, an FTM dude named Devin that lived in Georgia, and was three years older than me. He has a daughter now...I remember constantly checking my MySpace for notifications, hoping one of my favorite bands responded to my messages. I remember the whole 2012 sh*t. Or taking dumb quizzes and writing poetry on the now defunct website quizilla. Those really seemed to be the only good memories. Those and the concerts I went to. I went to my first concert at the age of 15, and I saw Falling In Reverse just after their "The Drug in Me Is You" album released. It was actually for my birthday not that I think back on it all. When I hear bands like Black Veil Brides, Escape the Fate, Falling in Reverse, Vampires Everywhere, Alesana, etc...I feel this strange emotion as if I was that young boy again. It's so hard to describe what that is like, especially to younger kids cause theyre not quite old enough to know exactly what I am talking about. Life changes so much when you're in you early 20's. Nothing is the same anymore. I remember borrowing my friend's phone or computer to talk to my online friends or watch band interviews all night. Or do my hair and makeup cause in the early years my parents were very reluctant on me dressing the style. I feel like my youth is just...dying. My mom and my uncle are both dead. This the realization that started it all. I dont know how to move on right now.  I dont know what to do. 1 Comments

02/29/2020 12:18 PM  Where I've Been Lately Current mood:  tired Hey Guys!  Life has been pretty chaotic lately. I can never seem to capture a break here and to be honest, there has only been very few times in my life I have had any sort of stability. There's always something. I guess I can start with the good stuff first. I went over to Tristan's house to spend Valentine's Day week with him. We celebrated of course. I still feel the same way towards him since day one and I don't plan on changing this anytime soon.  He is my best friend and we are a team. We plan on accommodating everything and communicating so our relationship stays strong and healthy for hopefully the rest of our lives. This celebration also encompassed our 8 month anniversary. He gave me his old laptop and showed me how to mod our favorite digital RPG 'The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim'. I have been having a blast with that since. I also cut, styled, and dyed Tristan's hair in a style inspired by Yo-ka of Visual Kei J-Rock band Diaura and Ryan Oliviera from Death in December. He loved it and I feel really proud of it. Here are the results below: Last Saturday, we went out for dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant and closed the night off at Emo Nite LA in St Louis. There we got to meet and party with my buddy Austin who organizes and hosts the Midwest division for the event, William Beckett of The Academy Is... and Mason Musso from Metro Station. It was a great night watching these talented vocalists perform their hits songs of the 2000's. While that night was more pop-punk than emo, Tristan and I had a blast. It was his first ever Emo Nite and I hope the next one will be better. Next show is in June!  But on the darker side of things, the same day I was doing Tristan's hair, I got the horrible news that my late mother's only sibling, my uncle Craig died in his sleep the night before. It hit our family pretty hard and brought up some unsolved trauma from my own mother's death ten years ago. It has been affecting my father more than anyone. He shared some stuff with me that he probably shouldn't have as his son. It was out of character for him but it definitely signified that he was in a lot of pain and I don't think he has anyone to go to so he can vent about these things. His current wife would flip her sh*t if she ever found out my dad still loves my mom even though she is dead. His wife is a raging narcissist. But at the same time I learned the darker side of my mother, as my father sent a screenshot of the last message she ever sent him before she died. Calling me and my brother spoiled and calling out our dad over it. But how does maternal neglect become the definition of a spoiled child? My mom seemed emotionally abusive towards my father before her death. Perhaps it was the skewed psychiatric state she was in since she was very suicidal. But I think it wasn't so much of being spoiled but a lack of structure and love given to us from her for so many years. I don't think she was prepared to feel the consequences of her actions and how it affected me and my brother. ESPECIALLY ME. It all raised many questions in regards to both my mother and my uncle. And I may request and autopsy report of my uncle from the medical examiner in his home county. I was a mess when I found out though, cause my mom's side of the family are all dying off. All I have left is my mom's cousin Mary Jo, but she lives in The Netherlands.  Next month, Tristan and I plan on going to visit my family in Wisconsin. This will be his first time up there and there are so many things I want to show him during our short visit. I will be there for my nieces first birthday so he gets to meet my brother's family too. I hope to take him to see Lake Michigan for the first time ever and to show him the town I grew up in. It's all such a big part of my life and I cant wait to share all of my childhood memories with him.  I guess that ties up the news for now. I will try to blog much more often. I've grown accustomed to the stream page but sometimes the character limit is just too low and I dont want to spam the hell out of the feed. Anyways, I hope everyone has a good night and I will log back in tomorrow! ~XxDespairFactionAshtonxX 0 Comments

10/04/2019 10:42 PM  Scene Revival Current mood:  contemplative Yay! Cool we have a scene revival in the works amd it looks like more people are joinging FP. Thid is neat ive been waiting years for this! But now here's my goal: I gotta find a way to enable and embed an Adobe flash mp3 player into the user profile like the OG MySpace. Lately we've all been getting by with simply embedding a YouTube video into our about me section and having it set to Autoplay, but since YouTube changed its policies, the videos no longer autoplay. It's bullsh*t. Plus an MP3 player would have more songs on it! What I've figured out so far is what website to go through to get it for free. However, after getting through the very 2007 format of the website, I come to a brick wall when I can actually add the songs to the mp3 player. You can't click a button and it directs you to your music folder like a modern day computer would. You have a line of info to enter. Title, Artist, and then URL location (has to end with mmp3). The last part confused me. So is this one of those circumstances? Who remembers adding music to their iPod nanos back on the day? Cause I do and it was the easiest f***ing thing in the world. The classic- click and drag. Does this work the same way? Or do you go into the computers files manually and copy and paste? I need a computer for this to work. I'll check out the library tomorrow maybe and see if I can figure it out. Mark my words guys, I will get to the bottom of this.  2 Comments

01/11/2019 09:20 PM  Life Update Current mood:  adventurous You all probably remember that I just got out of a VERY toxic and abusive household last September. It was certainly the best thing I have ever done for myself and I am extremely grateful to have this new family watch over me and aid me towards my success. So after I got through the initial pain of moving out, and now cut off all contact completely, I've been feeling so much better now. I have more motivation and I am happier now that I finally have some stability in my life. I also got back in touch with a friend of mine who was also abused by this same person, and we've been celebrating and practicing our spiritual growth together.  I also have a stable job too now at a gas station. For some weird reason, the past three jobs I've had, I had managers that were gay. It helps a lot as far as non discrimination in the workplace since your boss is a fellow LGBT. I've been saving up money since I've started there.  I also got back on some medication I have needed for a while. Insurance was giving me trouble so I got to switch over to a better plan last month and it just kicked in this week.  I have the paperwork to legally change my name. I also emailed my dream school for aid on applying and getting grants. It's highly likely I will be moving to New Jersey this summer. My backup plan if this falls through is to go to University of Belleville.  Tristan also mailed me some new shirts which helped a lot because I only had two outfits to my name before his help. I now own three bleeding star shirts (a scene/Emo fossil). Forever thankful for his help.  What are my new goals for 2019? Get my drivers lisence, change my name, apply for college, get my grants/loans, work on getting my tax returns that I missed since 2014, pay off some of my bills, get a cheap car, meet new friends to connect with, and keep toxic people out of my life. Anyways, I'm wishing everyone a happy 2019. Remember to make some noise! Killjoys never die. 1 Comments

10/17/2018 04:02 PM  Birthday Tomorrow Current mood:  gloomy Tomorrow I turn 22 years old. Everything has been completely shifting to a whole new era in my life. My little brother got his girlfriend pregnant a few months ago so I have a niece or nephew on the way. My brother is finally realizing all the horrible things are step mom did to me when I was a kid. My step parents finally moved out of the house I lived in since I was four years old to 19 years old. I had to cut my biological father out of my life. All of these changes are happening so abruptly and I don't know how to cope with it. My childhood is long gone. My youth is fading into the past. I'm an adult in his early 20s trying to find my place in the world and who I am as a person. I'm not what other people define me as anymore. I know this change is signifying that good fortune is coming my way now, but my whole entire life I was beaten down and treated like dirt. And now I'm suddenly finding the stability I craved for so long and it feels so strange. I never felt this before. At least my little brother and I are on good terms right now. Him and his girlfriend I'll address the child to my step mom as Jennie and not as grandma, and we will tell him/her that their grandma Amber lives in the sky until he/she is old enough to comprehend and understand what death is. That statement brought me to tears last night when I realized my niece/nephew will never meet their grandma or know how amazing of a person she was. We can only tell them from what we have known and experienced with our mom. It kinda hurts to face that. He also said the baby will NOT be around out step mom unless his dad/my step dad is there. I'm not sure about my step dad though. He reached out to me today to talk about insurance stuff. He hasn't said a word about tomorrow. Figures, he probably forgot again. He doesn't care about his adopted sons birthday. The family that's helping me right now is taking me out for a special dinner and drink tomorrow. I know I said I'm straight edge again, but one drink on my birthday won't hurt. I'm not drinking to get drunk. I hate being drunk.   0 Comments

10/06/2018 11:23 PM  I'm Not a Victim, I am a Survivor Current mood:  complacent I come here today to try and gain my self worth back to be able to let go of the people that manipulated me so badly the past six months this year.  My friend had an album release today so I thought I would message him to celebrate the successful feedback of the album. But instead of joy, I was met with coldness. He was upset that I was posting survivor quotes on my Instagram without dropping names. The abuse was coming from my little brother and his fiance who were both my roommates, and my friend is very close to my brother. He was in a very abusive friendship for many years so his perception on these types of situations are very skewed. He truly believes that abuse is deserved and the only way to stop mistreatment is changing. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a very good person and he tried to come from a good place and he was also hurt. But he was pushing what his abuser taught him onto me. And in my heart, mistreatment of someone should never be justified. I admit I have been toxic to them in spurts of self destructive behaviors, which usually only happen when I am triggered, using the appropriate term since I have mild PTSD. But when these people have little to no regard for your life and come into your room at night waking you up with their foot on your chest and saying "I can kill you right now and no one would know" and beginning to force 300 lbs  their body weight onto me, I am not going to say "Its okay! I f***ed up and deserved it!" And not only that but pull a airsoft gun on me when I finally fight for my life. Sure, it was a BB gun, but if shot act a close range it can be very dangerous. I was lucky it fired a blank. Just to think, what if it was a real hand pistol...I would have been staring death in the face at that moment. That wasn't his first time he used attempting murder as a manipulation tactic and I know if I stayed there it wouldn't be his last. It was much more emotional and psychological abuse than physical abuse, but it occasionally did get physical at some points.  My friend cut me off. And I accept it for what it is. It was meant to happen. The Venus retrograde is the time where the universe puts your relationships and friendships on trial. It is a time where I will find who in my life are my true friends and who are the toxic people I need to let go. I let these people use me and emotionally manipulate me for over four years and I am done with it.  "I have outgrown many things. I have outgrown relatives who gladly offer criticism but not support. I have outgrown my need to meet my family's unrealistic expectations of me. I have outgrown girls who wear masks and secretly rejoice at my misfortunes. I have outgrown shrinking myself for boys who are intimidated by my intelligence and outspoken nature. I have outgrown friends who cannot celebrate my accomplishments. I have outgrown people who conveniently disappear when life gets a little dark. I have outgrown those who take pleasure in gossiping and spreading negativity. I have outgrown dull, meaningless conversations that feel forced. I have outgrown those who don't take a stand against ignorance and injustice. I have outgrown trying to please everyone. I have outgrown society constantly telling me I'm not beautiful, smart, or worthy enough. I have outgrown my tendency to fill my mind with self doubt and insecurity. I have outgrown trying to find reasons not to love myself. I have outgrown anything and anyone that doesnt enrich the essence of my soul. I have outgrown many things---and I never felt freer." -Chanda Kaushik If someone treats you like crap, just remember that there's something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. I don't wish them well, nor do I wish them misfortune. I wish them what they deserve, the affects of karma will take it from here. So mote it be.  Blessed be to all my true friends who stand up for whats right and try to enrich the lives around them. Thank you for reading.  Love, Ashton Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code 0 Comments

10/04/2018 12:44 PM  To The Person I Once Called Current mood:  enraged Dont expect me to forgive you so easily this time. You have given me sob story after sob story. You CONSTANTLY said "That person on stage is really how I am." but a few months after your apology, you: push me down, become overly critical of me, say you wish you never found me again, disown me, told me that I am the reason mom ended her life, BLAMED ME FOR YOUR RELAPSES, played favorites, stole, lied, and made promises to which you never fulfilled. You promised to keep me safe and you did the EXACT OPPOSITE EVERY SINGLE TIME. I forgave you too many times before. For FOUR GOD DAMN YEARS I said "It's Okay" pretty much reaffirming your behavior. I was basically saying "Its okay, you can still treat me this way.". I don't care how ANYONE sees you. To me you are a HORRIBLE person who wears the mask of a savior. You're no better than Donna OR Donald. And for the record, I am ashamed to have your genes. I am ashamed to have the Way blood in my veins. I am so f***ing ashamed to have ever called you my parent. I thought that my step dad was bad as a kid. You make him look like a SAINT in comparison. And you have admitted so many times that you would have abused me if you stayed in my life you f***ing psychopath. And you were right. You treated mom like this, why did I ever expect you to be any different with me! You said "We were both abusive". I don't believe that anymore. I believe that she was standing up for herself after all of those years of you treating less than a human being, constantly CHEATING on trust ANYONE after what you did to her.  And you "regret it" but then you turn around and shoved my face in the dirt OVER AND OVER AGAIN. F*** off. I hate you. You are a piece of sh*t and I cant believe I wasted four years of my life trying to get the love you never gave me. Drop dead motherf***er.  Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code 0 Comments

10/03/2018 02:05 PM  Retrogrades and Healing Current mood:  enlightened I keep seeing things on my Facebook page about it being a turning point in universal energies. Basically I keep getting messages saying there is a miracle on the horizon for us spiritualists and that the five and a half months of suffering and manipulation has finally come to a close from the Pluto Retrograde. As we begin to enter the Venus Retrograde, our relationships between our family, friends, and lovers are put on trial as well as our financial income. So lets all be prepared here, its not over yet. But good things are coming. We all learn and grow as the universe tells us how to continue down the right path in your life. Stay positive, share good vibes and motivational words. Stand up for yourself . Now is the time for rest and healing.  Your spirit guides are there for you, hear them whisper. Your time to rise has arrived. You will find sanctuary and work towards inner peace. Look inwards and remind yourself who you are, you are unique in this world. You will discover fascinating things. Become the best person you can be. So mote it be.  Blessed be to all my friends on here. Stay strong! 0 Comments

10/02/2018 03:17 PM  What I've Been Up To Current mood:  distressed I'm guilty of f***ing up again. I thought I could see the best in people and give them a second chance but what I should have learned the last time was if nothing changed last time, it wont work out this time. Some people will tell you over and over again that they have change and promise sanctuary away from a chaotic life. But when they burst into your room at midnight and put their foot on your chest waking you up and whispering "I could kill you right now and no one would ever know". I was in fear almost 24/7 with no support system. But they made a big mistake. I had a mental breakdown and they called the cops on me and forced me into inpatient care at the local psychiatric hospital. That event changed everything. After discharging I decided to start IOP. I explained my situation to the group which I thought I was the one at fault. My "friends" have fully convinced me that I was evil. The group and therapists opened my eyes and told me how they were treating me was not normal. I was willing to put up with so much just so I could have at least some people in my life to mutually care and support each other. But it was incredibly one sided. Sure, they gave me a house with my own room to live in, I helped pay rent, I helped buy food...I went through hell and back to make sure that they were safe. I was there for them in the beginning when they needed someone. Then their  behavior changed and mine did too because of how toxic they were. They accused me of treating their dogs like sh*t, when I was actually taking care of them and spending time with them while they sat in their room all day. They werent even supposed to be my responsibility but they forced the dogs on me because they were "part of the family too". They were overly critical of me and everything I was doing. They tried to be purists while shaming me for almost everything I did. I could never be good enough for them. And in IOP I met this awesome guy named Zack. He is nine years older than me but by this time I was so f***ing desperate to get the f*** out of my situation I begged him to get me out of there. We got along pretty well. And I dont think I wouldve started talking to him if he didnt bring up D&D. He is your typical gamer geek. So we hit it off very well. After we both graduated the class I met his parents and they said that I can live with them til I get on my feet. They dont have a deadline for me to go which makes it better. And they kinda adopted me as their own. Im working on getting a job and exploring myself and searching to find who I truly am inside. Cause I am done trying to be a mold just so people would like me and avoid conflict. I am done living in fear. I am done living in the past. I found my spiritual side on this journey, and I feel strongly connected to my celtic pagan heritage. The new age and old celtic religions and practices gave me the positive messages I needed to hear. I dont want to go and say the whole "I found God" ordeal,  since most of my beliefs revolve around nature and magick. I am starting a new path as a celtic witch. And Samhain is upon us and my mother and my ancestors spirits will be on the same plane for the only day this year.  background halloween black cleonie fond pictures This is time to let go of toxic people and start healing. Good things are upon us. And I shall be starting my college years soon at SWIC Belleville here in Southern Illinois. I will work towards a pre-major in fine arts and transfer my credits to Joe Kubert Art School in New Jersey so I can accomplish getting my dream job. I am also working on a portfolio/inktober sketches so anyone interested in seeing those can find them on my instagram @ashtonwayart.  Hop you all are having a fantastic week. Love,  Ashton Way 0 Comments

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