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abby the homicidal maniac

Last Login:
September 30th, 2022




Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Country: United States

Signup Date:
July 28, 2017


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09/19/2022 01:32 AM 

a fork to the light socket

never liked, never loved, never known
an unmarked grave and an empty funeral
what does everyone have that i don't?
what knowledge was born into everyone else's head but omitted from mine?
every new chapter the same old story
always reduced to the smallest i can be, always hollow at the centre of the tootsie pop
must i go through life begging for scraps and clinging onto what little i can get?
the end is the beginning is the end
and when it's over, who can say it ever existed at all?
never wanted, never adored, never...valued
was i anything? am i anything? 
did i matter?
desperate acts for desperate results
just proving that i took up any space 
by leaving a void in my place

abby. that's me. 

09/02/2022 03:14 PM 

.̵̡̨̙̂́̉.̶̠̘̇͗͒ͅ.̶̫̅̉̅.̷̯̿̒.̸̛̣̅̈́.̸̡̟͔̑.̷̗̠͚̾̔.̶̛̰̑͆.̴͕̮̓ͅ.̷̼̐̄.̸̨̧͌̈́.̶̞̈́̍,̵̪͑̚,̸̡̲̙̏̍,̸̜̮̖͐̕,̷

i am nothing,
and i have always been nothing.
my raw hot-to-the-touch heart tells me i have either seen the creation of the earth or i was with brand new eyes. there is no in-between.
have i always been this nothing?
was i never the faint, intangible shape of a person that filled up the empty space?
the barely-there figure of something that you could almost make out if you squinted your eyes and turned to the head just right?
was i nothing, or was i everything—
a mass of dark matter doomed to overtake all it came in contact with, leaving only a void in its wake.
something all will miss but none will realise is gone.
i was loved, but was i ever known?

07/02/2022 02:52 PM 

my own creation with ivory lips and marble hair

what are you but a mess of words i strung together when i was inconsolably lonely
memories and fantasies pieced together as if they were one in the same
sound bites playing again and again in my head, changing slightly each time i need something more
i can make you say anything.
i can make you say "i'm sorry,"
i can make you say "i love you."
your lips mouth along to the dialogue i write for you
and with a pull of the strings your body moves the way i want it to
in my mind you take on whatever role the scene calls for
muse. god. lover. executioner.
each and every performance ends the same way—(onmyknees)—with an audience on their feet
the eternal part that i am cursed to play.

12/28/2021 06:35 PM 

miss aurelia calls for me

when i die i want you to read these words and weep like a little fairy who's got clipped wings
i've put the scissors away my dear but if you flutter out of turn you can watch as the dual blades glint in the vivarium lighting
pulling apart butterflies and leaving the remains on your doorstep serves as a warning and a promise
the pin twists and twists right through the thorax and i can display you on my wall like all the good little lepidopterists do
"yes, well, i caught this one in pennsylvania, you see..."
but why boast about my accolades? the submisson of a creature so danity and petite is hardly a difficult feat. i pressed my shoe against the pavement and crushed you between the heel and the asphalt. scraping the remnants off the sole posed more of a challenge.
"...at one point in my career, this particular speciman meant a lot to me."

abby

08/23/2021 06:11 PM 

undefined

you make me think of all sorts of dangerous things
like how i want to stay here forever
"in between these sheets?"
no, with you. wherever you go. to the ends of the earth. to our very demise.
a hail of bullets, baby.
why, you can have it all.

07/27/2021 07:42 PM 

missing persons report

"sometimes it feels like nobody knows me at all."
 
"except me?"
"especially you."

07/25/2021 01:41 PM 

mood swing

so i was in love. whatever.
so more than half of everything i've ever written was with your hand guiding my pen. what does that have to do with anything?
you don't love (me) the way that i love (you).
nothing that is said can be said with a shout
even whispers are too loud
i have to close curtains and lock doors before i can dare to dream of you
the truth is whoever i meet
i measure them with the ruler of you
because you are the gold standard

actually, i have a bat
i'm hitting and hitting and hitting but you lost all your blood a long time ago and the carpet is brown now
you've been lying here
or what is left of you has been lying here and housekeeping is banging at the door but i slipped the receptionist a twenty so they let me keep this room for as long as i want
you haven't moved in weeks but i swear i see your body twitch out of the corner of my eye and i start hitting again
you, of course, were not twitching.
because you haven't moved in weeks.
sometimes i wrap my hands around my neck to see what it feels like to be you
other times i wrap them around your neck to show you what it feels like to be me
i oscillate between begging you to wake up and smothering the pillow over your face
none of it matters, of course, because you haven't moved in weeks.
but the actions help me to make up my mind
whenever i do that, i'll let you know

abby

05/19/2021 04:38 PM 

the ravings of a madman

sometimes i feel like my life would be better without you in it
like everything up to this point has been made worse by me knowing you
i just want to run away and start over
i don't want to know anyone i know now
but please go ahead follow me around like the plague
cant you tell i want to be as far away from you as possible?
isnt it funny that you hardly know anything about me at all
god i want so badly to see you kneeling on a bed of nails
i really don't think i'll ever be happy with what i have
i want everything, i want it all
i want the best and im pissed that apparently i'm undeserving of it
i want to be free but everything feels like a ball and chain
i need the eyes on me, following my every move. i am a performer. i am truman.
can never tell when my thoughts are my own or if i just need to take my medication
please let me get better
i can and will delude myself into believing i am loved
i am loved.
i am loved.
if i say it enough maybe it'll come true

05/10/2021 06:08 PM 

absence and the heart or whatever

the only way i can imagine someone showing care for me is by wailing so loudly inside of st. patrick's cathedral that the angels look down at them from the ceiling mural in pity
in my nature i am god
but mostly because i want to see the people i love suffer
for i am never convinced my devotion is reciprocated until you are begging at my feet and kissing the soles of my sandals
like mother teresa you will never know my place in your heart until i have abandoned you
cry and cry my little bride of christ your holy spouse has left you empty and alone
and everyday your prayers will reach my ears
but you look much prettier when i let the devils tear you from the inside out and gnaw on your bones
this is the cost of salvation sweetheart now smile for the camera
maybe maybe maybe one day you won't need to feel my wrath to feel my love
'cause i'm in an old testament kinda mood, baby

if i love my enemies but hate my friends do you think i'll still get into heaven?

st. abby

02/09/2021 11:07 AM 

hero worship

i am in love with a villain
a man who would rather see his hands squeeze the air out of my throat than give it life
a man whose sick pleasure derives from watching my twitching fingertips grasp at the collar of his shirt
.
.
.
but i won’t die for love
so i press the edge of my blade against his neck
“do it,” he whispers. “you won’t.”
i dig it in deeper.
“you can’t.”
.
.
.
and he’s right.
everything i have ever stood for, destroyed by a pair of ocean eyes and expensive cologne.
metal against marble and you’re on me in a second
everything is on fire, but nothing burns
i won’t die for love, but maybe i’ll char
.
.
.
“close, pumpkin.”
you leave me dying in the water
but the blood just draws you back
i do not want to die for love.
i want to live.
“but not close enough.”

st. abby

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