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Last Login:
July 25th, 2021




Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 41
Country: Australia

Signup Date:
February 10, 2017


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03/20/2021 03:39 PM 

It's been over a month since my dad died
Current mood:  melancholy

Well it's been over a month. Dealing with the sudden shock of m,y father passing away right in front of me while I was visiting him in hospital. Having to notify family. All of us crying together and talking about the old times. Organising a funeral. Attending the funeral. Talking with family and friends about our favorite memories of him, about hard times he went through and overcame, about how he had been such a smart, witty and intelligent man all his life until he suddenly developed dementia overnight and became delusional, childlike and dependent and needed me for everything. How he deserved so much better than the hand life dealt him.

In addition to all the above I have had to deal with my difficult and demanding boss at work. My job with long hours and low pay plus more and more demands being put on me by my money grubbing boss. Coming home at the end of the long day and dad not being there. Depression, anxiety, frustration, anger. I have had a whole range of emotions to deal with and I have not enjoyed it. I hate feeling. I prefer to feel nothing.

I don't really believe in an afterlife, but I can't help but wonder. Maybe dad is in a better place. Maybe he is concious and happy, but I doubt it. Either way he is definately no longer suffering, and I take some comfort in that.

02/21/2021 04:06 PM 

Tribute
Current mood:  sad

A smile on your face and laughter in your heart.
Kind, sweet natured, generous and smart.
You buoyed my spirit day by day.
I loved you more than words can say.
Filled with wisdom, mirth & song.
With everyone, you’d get along.
But now your absence makes me weep.
You’ve earned your rest, eternal sleep.

02/13/2021 01:53 PM 

My dad died this week
Current mood:  melancholy

So my dad died a few days ago. I knew it would happen soon, but I did not expect it to happen this soon.

He had deteriorated massively due to dementia. Still the same kind natured and friendly man he had always been, but he became more childlike and dependent. He was often confused and would wander into my room and ask if it was time for us to drive home yet. I would tell him we were already home and he would be surprised.

It was difficult to take care for him and work full time, but I was determined not to put him in a home. He took care of me when I was a kid and did not abandon me, so there was no way I was going to abandon him.

He had to go into hospital late last week and was due to come out later this week. I went in to visit him at the beginning of the week. I was able to have a chat with him and help him eat some dinner.

Suddenly he collapsed right there on the spot, I called the nurse, who then called more nurses. While this was going on I held my dad's hand and looked into his eyes. He did not look scared or in pain. He looked peaceful, however he may have been unconcious. A nurse then said to me "I'm very sorry, he's passed away" My tears started flowing and I couldn't stop crying.

They closed his eyes and sat his body up in bed and told me I could sit with it for as long as I wanted. I sat with my dad's body and called various family to notfiy them. It was very sad all around. Eventually, I realised I had to leave as there was nothing more I could do.

Since then I have spent all week organising the funeral. 

I know that this is the natural order of life. People grow old, they die, for their grown children life just goes on and continues, but the pain is still raw for me.

He was a great father and was also my best friend and now life will never be the same.

02/10/2021 11:18 PM 

Lack of identity
Current mood:  depressed

Sometimes I feel as though I have no identity at all, merely a disjointed sea of thoughts that occasionally swirl together into a semi coherent wave of opinion or idea. Only to break up on the metaphorical rocks and disburse back into the great pool of irrelevancy.

12/26/2020 04:40 PM 

Getting old is sad
Current mood:  depressed

Getting old is very sad.

I am a carer for a senile elderly relative and every day I watch them slip further and further away from reality.

At Christmas everyone was sad seeing how much he had deteriorated. How frail he looked, how weak and confused.

This is someone who spent their entire lives caring for each of us, helping us at various times that we needed it, and just always doing the right thing but never getting anywhere from it.
 
Now in old age they have been robbed of their wits, spending everyday getting more scared and confused.

It realy seems to me that getting old is not desirable or worth it.

11/04/2020 03:32 PM 

Life sucks and then you die
Current mood:  depressed

Life sucks and then you die.

I always knew this, but lately I'm feeling it more than ever. I am busy juggling long hours, low pay, demanding customers, a sh*tty work environment, and a boss from hell. Why do I stay? I don't know. I guess because I;m afraid.

I'm afraid of going through the whole sh*tty job search process, starting again from the bottom, possibly ending up somewhere worse than where I am now, or not being able to find anything and ending up on the streets.

The fear of what could happen if I leave is what keeps me from telling the boss to take his job and shove it up his ass.

It would bad enough in ordinary times, but with this whole Covid pandemic still going, I think it would be reckless to quit now.

I think I just need to hang on until 2021 and see how things look from there.

10/07/2020 04:10 PM 

Just checking in
Current mood:  busy

Just enjoying my first and only real free time in what feels like forever.

In addition to working full time, I am now the carer for a sick elderly relative. It is so tiring. Don't get me wrong, I love this particular relative very much. But being their carer and working takes so much energy. I usually collapse into bed at night after everything is done and fantasize about an uncomplicated life.

I really need to upskill, get a degree or something, but how am I to find the time to do that? If I took on any other committments right now I think my head would explode or I would die of a stress induced coronary.

Work is even more stressful than usual. My coworker left because they couldn't stand my bosses fequent verbal abuse and now I am training their replacement, fun times! Oh well.

Outrageous, outlawed, outspoken.

03/22/2020 01:07 PM 

I have to laugh

I have to laugh. For years I have thought my boss was the biggest douchebag on the planet. I hated him and despised him, but occassionaly I second guessed myself. I'd wonder 'Is he really the problem or is it me?' 'Are his requests and behavioour reasonable, or am I just being a snowflake?' 'Am I a good employee, or are his ridiculous complaints and demands not so ridiculouse afterall?'.

I now have no doubt, we have a new employee, and they are already making the same complaints about him and noting the same faults in him that I have. The new worker already despises him and we have bonded over our mutual contempt for the man.

Generally I don't care what other people think, but I will admit that once in a while it feels good to recieve validation!

03/14/2020 10:55 PM 

Locksports

I have been interested in learning how to pick locks for a while now, so I bought some picks and a transparent practice lock. Strictly for fun of course, I am not a thief, so I would not be practicing on locks that are not mine.

After successfully picking the practice lock earlier in the week, I practiced on a Masterlock Excell I had lying around, first night I couldn’t budge it, but the second night I was able to rake it open. Since then I have re-picked it multiple times with a hook pin and with a rake. I have been far more consistent and successful with the rake.

Masterlock are considered bottom tier, low quality easy for lockpicking enthusiasts to open. So now i need to buy something better. Lockpicking really takes my mind off the stress and anxiety caused by my job.

I recommend it as a hobby to anyone.

02/10/2020 05:14 PM 

Never go above and beyond

I did my boss a favor tonight, did a little bit of work from home, after hours unpaid. 


Instead of being grateful he bitched at me for not doing more.

It's a key reminder of a lesson that we all know, but sometimes seem not to remember; never do more than the bare minimum, the boss will not be grateful, but will come to expect it.

If you do to well at your job, they will 'reward' you by giving you more tasks and more responsibilities but without increasing your pay.

Never make the mistake of thinking your job cares about you.

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