05/09/2019 03:46 PM  Journal # 57        Omg! I f***ing hate painting my nails. Every time I paint my nails I end up f***ing them up during the drying process. I got this really pretty pink nail polish and I ended up messing it up. So f***ing annoying. I want to start painting my nails more though. The more I do it, the more practice I will have. With the more practice I have, the better I will get at it.        My boyfriend has been in such a pissy mood lately. I can''t f***ing stand it. He's constantly creating pointless arguments when he comes home from work. Like, leave that negativity elsewhere because I just got out of jail not that long ago, and now all I want to do is be happy and not argue anymore. I need to cleanse myself of anything bad. I don't want to sit there and argue, so a lot of times I just ignore him. I am no longer going to feed into is negative ass bullsh*t. Always wanting to start arguments is a really bad habit that he has. It's really childish and immature. I'm getting to that age where I don't want to deal with that type of sh*t. I just want my life to be peaches and roses.         I'm so happy that tomorrow is Friday! That means that we will be getting more weed! Thank god! I am a much happier person when I am high. Weed makes me want to be the best version of myself. I don't get mad as easily and I just feel really relaxed when I am high. I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing could ruin that. I am a happier and more normal person when I am smoking weed. I have a sense of peace with the world. I feel happy when I am high as sh*t. I just want to enjoy it.        I did some stuff around the house today. I still have to do a few things, but for the most part, I did a pretty good job. All I really need to do now is the dishes that have been soaking in the sink for a few days. I am trying to get on top of that. If I don't do several dishes a day, I will end up with an extremely messy kitchen and I hate that sh*t. I used to be very into cleaning the apartment, but once we were more than half way through winter, I started to get really lazy due to being depressed. The spring weather must be f***ing with me or something because when it is really nice outside, I always want to clean the house. If it is nasty looking outside like it has been, I notice that I have a lot less motivation that I do when it is nice out. My boyfriend really doesn't do sh*t because he works all day so I am expected to clean the house, but it is very frustrating when I take the time to clean the house and he messes it up a day later. It is so f***ing frustrating! It's not hard to pick up after yourself and throw any trash that you have away. He usually trashes anything he touches. I mainly focus on cleaning the kitchen, my bedroom, and the bathroom because I don't go into the living room very often. I don't like the way that it is set up, so I don't usually sit out there anymore.         I am so tired. I am probably going to take a short nap before my boyfriend gets home. I worked really hard today. I accomplished a lot today, even though it was nothing super hard or crazy to do. I am so tired. I love sleeping. Sleeping is just the best thing ever esp when your super bored and you don't know what to do with yourself.  I know I haven't really typed much this time around, but thats because I am getting tired now and I just want to go to bed. I am so tired. 0 Comments

05/03/2019 03:09 PM  Journal # 56        This weekend I am supposed to be going to meet my birth father. I have been waiting here for my boyfriend to get off of work for awhile now. He told me he was going to be getting off around 12 pm and it is 2:10 now. My birth father called me but I am really not in the mood to talk on the phone for very long. I decided to text him instead. Kenny thinks that he is going to bail on me or something. I never even thought about that until he brought it up. Thanks a lot Kenny. Now I feel like I should hold off on packing or anything now because I'm thinking he might cancel. I don't personally think that he would do something like that, but Kenny told me ya never know. This stinks! I hope that he is completely wrong because that would be really f***ing petty of him to do. This weekend has been planed for at least 2 weeks now. I really hope that I can still go. I was planning for a fun weekend with everyone. I haven't met anyone from my dads side of the family yet. Hell, I haven't even met my dad yet! It's way over due to meet him. I feel like I get a long better with him than I do with my birth mother. She doesn't have the same personality as I do.         I just heard from my bio dad and he said we could come down at any time but that we needed to get a hotel. He said he would help pay for one if we needed him too. I am so excited! I can't wait! I knew Kenny was wrong! He even sent me his address so if he was planning on doing the dip on me he wouldn't have given me his address. Even if it was a fake address, I doubt someone would stoop that low. That would be pretty f***ing bogus! I hope we get a hotel with a pool. Even if it's some basic ass pool. I haven't gone swimming in awhile and its really good exercise. I am taking a break for the weekend to not work out. I don't want people watching me. I might later at the hotel though. I have to figure out what we are going to be doing about the cats. I might just leave two big bowels of dry food out for them while were gone. My parents will be out of town this weekend so my parents couldn't come over and get the animals fed. I can't just leave wet food out it will go bad. I don't want them getting sick or anything. I worry about them. They are pretty much my children at this point.         I finally finished the book I was reading. Now I am reading "The Shack". My mom read it first and then gave it to me saying it was a really good book. So far I'm liking it. I'm not very far into the book right now though. I am only on chapter two. If you already like a book in the first chapter, then thats an indicator its going to be a really good book. I try to read a chapter or two every single day. I don't think there is ever a day that I don't read. I would much rather read a book than watch TV, that is until I can no longer focus on reading anymore.         Kenny's cat Princess, has been really friendly with me lately. I think shes finally getting used to me. I used to yell at her a lot and sometimes chase her around the house out of frustration when she scratched on the furniture. I stopped doing that though. Now I just use the spray bottle and then they go running. I don't have to really do much lol. As much as they frustrate me sometimes, I still love them to pieces. They are acting their age too lol. They are still children in the people world. They are both about two or three years old. Human toddlers, do the exact same thing my cats do. It's kinda funny if ya think about it. I'm much more patient now because it's not like they can understand what I am saying and I can understand what they are saying. That only happens once in awhile.         My self-esteem is finally back now. I have been getting hit on like crazy too! Guys are constantly giving me attention. Maybe I feel prettier because I am prettier? LOL! I have no f***ing idea. I doubt it. Anyways, I really feel myself. I don't feel super unattractive like I was feeling. It's been weird for me to get used to weighing the most I have ever weighed in my life which is 118 or so pounds. That's what it said the last time I weighed myself. I really want to. I hope that Kenny is off of work soon or is not home yet because he is going and cashing his check and sh*t. I was thinking about calling him but I don't want to get him in trouble at work. I think I will just wait awhile and then text him. I am getting rather tired though. I think I am going to lay down for awhile.          0 Comments

04/30/2019 10:50 PM  Journal # 55        I am super excited for this weekend. Me and Kenny are going to go meet my birth father for the first time. I am super stoked. I am finally going to meet the guy who put me here. I have been talking to him through text and social media for about two years now and I feel like I am ready to meet him. I know my birth mother doesn't like him and all, but she doesn't understand him like I do. I have the same personality as he does. I really feel like I relate to my birth father more than I do my birth mother. Me and my dad just see eye to eye on pretty much everything and were both really misunderstood by other people. People always assume I am some big snobby bitch, but in reality I'm not. I'm just a little bit snobby. Hello? I'm a princess duh. Of course I am a little bit of a diva. Anyways, I have a lot of other good qualities that others don't know I have. I have a huge f***ing heart and I care about other peoples well-being and their feelings. When I was in jail and another girl in my sell was crying I would go over to her and ask her if she was ok or if she needed anything. I'm like the perfect amount of everything.        I finally met Korri's boyfriend last night. He does not look 40 at all. I think he looks younger than my boyfriend even. I don't know though. I could have sworn she said he was 40 but I could be wrong. He seemed pretty chill though. He was able to pass my crazy friend test lol. I was f***ed up one night and I was having a moment where I was acting really funny and weird and he seemed to take it pretty well. So far, he has survived the friend test. Now he just needs to hang out with me and Korri when we are drinking, because thats when me and Korri get weird in a good and funny drunk and high sort of way. My nick name is Snooki if that explains anything.        I've been really feelin myself lately. Ever sense I got out of jail, I have felt a huge amount of confidence in myself. I feel sexy now. I don't know what caused me to all of the sudden feel like a million bucks every day, but it is a good feeling. I mean, I know I am a pretty girl. I have always been that girl that guys wanted really badly, and my dating history is a long one, but sometimes you still get insecure. You could be the hottest girl on the planet and still feel ugly at times. Now that I am out of jail, I feel much more attractive. I have cloths now that actually fit me properly, and I just look really good.         I feel like ever sense I started smoking weed again, my life has been much better. Me and my boyfriend hardly ever fight anymore. I mean, we have fought a couple of times sense I have gotten out of jail, but not the the point it used to be. We used to get into fights every single day. Now, I am always so chilled out that the only time we fight is once in awhile. I wish it would completely stop though. I can't deal with fighting so much. I just want to get along. Kenny really needs to work on picking his battles sometimes. Fighting is exhausting and just negative bad energy that I don't want or need right now. I just got out of jail a week ago. I want to enjoy life. Not be miserable in it.         I am totally obsessed with this new song called "High End" by Future and I am f***ing crazy about it. I love the song and the music video is super trippy. I like it a lot. Chris brown looks so f***ing dope in it. He looks like a sexy demon. Its like super dark. The dark energy around it is super f***ing black! It's so dark that you wouldn't be able to see a thing if you were inside of the song lol. I can't help but like it though. I keep listening to it over and over and over again cuz I just like it that much.         I was thinking about bringing myself back to being really out there on social media again. This time around though, I will not be posting negative sh*t for attention. This time it will be good stuff. I don't know though. I might not. It is a lot of work being liked on social media. People expect the best out of you all the time.          I love getting high. I wish I could smoke 100$ of weed in only a few days lol. I would love being high. I was pretty much sober for like two years besides drinking once in a blue moon so I think my body feels like its deprived of smoking weed. I just want to smoke and smoke and smoke and never stop. Sometimes I smoke so much that I smoke myself sober. I hate it when that sh*t happens. Total f***ing stoner problems. I smoke more than I drink. I have defiantly grown out of my drinking phase finally. I would rather smoke weed than get drunk. I still drink some times but nearly as much as I used to. I used to get drunk almost every single night for like a month.         My hair is getting healthier and healthier. I can just tell by the way it feels when I touch it. I think that I look super good with black hair though too. It is a lot less damaging to your hair if it is dyed black vs being bleached until it is almost white. I do plan on going back to almost white hair, but I don't plan on doing that any time soon. I might end up really liking having black hair. Regardless of my choice, it will still look good.  I can pretty much pull off any hair color. My favorite hair colors are black, platinum blonde, or brown. I decided that I am no longer dying the ends of my hair. I will only be dying my roots. This might change depending on how the ends of my hair wash out. I am hoping that they will wash out into a brown color. It might look really cute. I have never had my hair ombre before so it would be a totally new look for me. I think it could end up looking really cute. I mean, eventually all of that hair is going to just get cut off anyways, so why should I care about the way the ends of my hair look? As long as most of my hair looks good, then I don't really care. I am really not into dying my hair like I used to be. I used to want my hair to be all these cool different colors. Now? I hate having to take the time to dye my hair. I don't mind doing it, but I no longer do it for fun. I just dye my hair to keep up my on point appearance.   I don't dye my hair anymore because I think it's fun. I have had my hair every single possible color you can think of including yellow and green. It just got old. I got sick of the hair dye not staying in my hair and washing out within a week. I want something that will last, and is also a normal color. I feel like dying your hair funky colors at my age is childish now, because thats all I did when I was in high school. I thought I was so cool with colored hair because no one else was doing it at my school. Now several years later people are dying their hair crazy colors? Get read people. My old friend Deandra just dyed her hair these two vibrant purple colors and to me it makes her look childish. She looks less mature. I don't know. I guess its because doing that stuff was cool in high school back when I was doing it. Now, its just stupid to do. The colors never stay in long enough. I mean, it would be one thing if she had a normal color and a funky color together, but not two funky colors. Nothing personal to her at all, I just I just don't like her new hair color on her. She should of dyed it red again like she used to do all the time instead of doing those colors. I always liked her red hair. It looked super pretty on her. I don't know why she stopped. Red is such a pretty color.  https://youtu.be/M020Ajhkojg?list=RDM020Ajhkojg (The Song I Mentioned)        Ok, back to the discussion about my hair. I really think it will look cute. It gets kinda annoying having to recolor your hair every month. The ends of my hair don't hold the color very well because they have been dyed a lot. I don't know how old the ends of my hair are, but I know they are old enough. I kinda feel like trying something new with my hair too. I don't necessarily want to dye my hair a different color, I just want it to wash out to like a brown or some sh*t. It could look really f***ing cute all faded out and everything. Underneath all of this dye is almost white blonde hair. I could probably let that sh*t fade for a really long ass time until it no longer holds any color in it. I am going to start dying my roots once every inch of hair that grows out. I am the type of person that likes to keep up on my roots. Basically, my plan is to just keep dying my roots and let the black wash out at the ends. This will cause it to have an ombre look and eventally all that dead hair will just be cut off and the black in my hair will stay in my hair much much longer because all of that hair will be super healthy. Get the point?        So sense I have been gaining some weight, I have been having to go through my cloths and get rid of stuff that doesn't fit me. I plan on getting rid of all the cloths that are too small for me and then replacing them with a new one that is brand new from Hollister. They took down the store they had at the east towne mall, so now I am forced to just order what they have online. I like to go and try stuff on and then decide weather I want to buy it or not. I am looking forward to getting a brand new Hollister wardrobe started. It is going to keep growing and growing over time. I don't know why I didn't start doing this awhile ago. Screw goodwill! I mean, I still shop there and probably always will, but sometimes its nice to get a brand new shirt.                      0 Comments

04/26/2019 09:42 PM  Journal # 54        Wow do you guys have a lot to catch up on sense the last time I wrote. I just got out of jail on Monday. Me and my friend Korri had gotten caught stealing from Walmart. The cops checked the price of all of the stuff we had stolen together and it equaled five hundred and seven dollars. Because of the price of all of it together, they had to arrest us. If they had gone through and separated our stuff out it would have only been a ticket to pay. They didn't want to take the time to sort through who stole what so they just arrested us.        In the holding cell, Korri and I were in tears and hugging each other. We were terrified of being in jail. Neither one of us had a bail either so we knew we would be in there for a little while. When I went to jail the first time, I had a bail posted so that I could get out that same day. This time around, we did not have a bail. We had to stay in jail until our court date. Me and Korri were in there for close to three days.         After doing all of the finger prints, talking to doctors, and taking your mug shot, they finally took me to a jail sell. There were probably a total of eight people in that room. The room had about six bunk beds, a shower, toilet, sink, phone, small TV, and a lunch table in the middle of the room. This was going to be where I was staying for the next few days. As I walked into the room, I said hello to everyone. It was weird having all the attention on me. One of the women asked me what I was in trouble for and then pretty soon after that, we were all having conversations. I ended up meeting a girl who was around my age. Our bunk beds were right next to each other's. We both slept on the top bunk, which didn't have a railing by the way.         Most of us women got along in that room. There was just one girl in particular that no one liked and her name was Krystal. This girl just loved to hear herself talk and run her mouth. This girl kept telling everyone that it wasn't her fault that she was in there. She wouldn't own up to her mistake. She told everyone that her mother-in-law forgot to cancel something on her credit card so the rental place said that Krystal stole the car when really, Krystal just stole a rental car. This bitch had like three f***ing stomachs too.         I would have to say that the worst part about being in jail is not getting your prescription medication right away. I didn't get any of my medication until the last day I was in jail. It should be illegal to keep someone from their medications. I went through such bad withdrawal from not having any of my medication for days. I was experiencing a tone of typical symptoms when someone is going through a drug withdrawal. My hands felt clammy, my body was shaking, I was hot one minute and cold the next, I felt super weak, could not stop sweating, my poop was green and yellow, and the list goes on. It was horrible! The only time my body felt normal was when I was in the shower.         At one point, J.J. cornrowed her own hair and several of us asked her if she could do our hair and I was one of them. She did mine and it was super cute. I really want to learn how to do my hair like that. We have talked a few times now sense we have gotten out and plan to hang out this weekend. She said she would teach me how to do it like she does and a few other things I wanted to learn how to do from her. I feel like sense we were closer in age, me and J.J. bonded the most. There was one point where Krystal was attacking me about something petty and she ended up snapping on her like hard core and defending me. That Krystal girl was just really f***ing jealous of me. I was the prettiest girl there besides J.J. Me and J.J. kept talking about how when we got out of jail that we were going to get high as sh*t lol. I told her we should smoke together some time. She was totally down.         When I was in jail, I kept having to use the toilet because I had the nervous sh*ts. I have never been one to be able to use the bathroom in front of people. I can usually pee but not sh*t. Sense I have been in jail, that has all changed. I no longer care. I have seen everyone in there naked, I have seen them use the toilet, there is really no boundaries in there.         Sense this was my first time staying longer than 4 hours, I was really scared. I thought that I would end up panicking because I couldn't get any of my medication. I have severe anxiety, so this means I am extra sensitive. I really did good in there though. I am really proud of myself. I didn't freak out and panic at all. I cried a lot and moped around, but that's about it. I didn't get much sleep in there, but I was okay.         The best part of my day was talking to my boyfriend and my parents. I would call them both several times a day. It felt nice to talk to them and get reassured several times a day that you are going to be okay. Giving you hope that you will get out of jail in a few days instead of being stuck in there for a good while. I was only in jail for about three days and it felt like a week.         I always felt like I could never get clean when I was in there. I always felt disgusting and sweaty. The deodorant they gave us would make us smell worse than if we weren't wearing any deodorant. We were also given one outfit. Imagine sweating constantly in the same cloths with no deodorant. It was terrible! Most of the guards were really mean too. You would talk to them through the door for whatever reason you needed them for and they would treat you like you were scum and didn't deserve to exist. None of us were ever mean to the guards either. They would just be rude all the time for no reason at all.         On our last day there, me and Korri finally get put in the same sell together. I was getting ready to take a nap when I hear Korri say my name. I turn around and see Korri! I jump out of  bed and hug her. I had missed her so much! We had barely gotten to talk at all sense we had gotten there. Once Korri was in the same sell as me and all the lovely ladies I had grown to love, jail was getting a little easier and easier. I talked and talked and talked with Korri and it made the time go faster. Soon enough, we would also get out of jail.         I defiantly learned my lesson being in there. I really did. I don't want to ever get into trouble like that again. I really don't. It was horrible being in there. They treat you like animals. The food was the most horrible thing I have ever tasted in my life! The medication withdrawal was horrible too! I need to get my sh*t together and stop breaking the law. I don't want to ever go through that ever again. The conditions in there are horrible and so nasty. I am so happy to be home with my animals and my boyfriend again. I have really missed them. You don't realize how easy you got it until it is taken away from you. Hopefully someone is reading this and I can make a difference so that someone else doesn't have to go through what I went through. Jail is not the place that you want to be!        Today is a much better day. Kenny is giving me 100$ to go shopping again. Just completely out of the blue. He doesn't have to do that for me but he does. We have talked about marriage. When I was in jail it made me realize how much I loved him and I want to be with him. I don't want to be with anyone else other than him.         I have been trying to learn dance moves by watching the game "Just Dance" you YouTube. I want to learn the dance just to learn the dance. I always loved dancing and singing growing up. I was defiantly born to entertain. I want to also do it because dancing is a work out. That is why dancers are all skinny. It's a work out to dance.  0 Comments

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03/14/2019 07:41 PM  Journal # 49        Omg! So I was cleaning the kitchen today, and I found all of me and Korri's wine bottles. We have like f***ing 30 bottles haha! I am so posting a picture on my profile for everyone to see. We have been drinking a lot together. It's just something we both really like to do. In fact, as I am typing this I am getting drunk lol! I just like the way it makes me feel. I feel no fear, no pain, no nothing. I am completely numb to any feelings. I give no f***s about anything. I like that feeling. I am a very sensitive person so being able to not care about anything feels really good.         I got a new wireless mouse for my computer! I am totally obsessed about it. It's cheetah print! The second I saw it I knew that I had to get it. I also got some new books and sh*t too. I plan on getting even more hopefully today. When I find a book that interests me, I tend to fly through it pretty quickly.        Last night was pretty interesting! Me and my friend got drunk and I went live and peed outside on all fours with my friend laughing her ass off. I totally sat in the pee afterwards too lol! Sh*t was so f***ing funny!         My f***ing vape didn't charge last night. That sh*t pisses me off because I mainly just vape. There is something weird going on with the charger and if I don't have my vape sitting a certain way, it won't charge my vape. I f***ing hate that sh*t! Like really? That sh*t is so annoying.        I am selling my stuff on LetGo. I really want to get rid of all of the sh*t that I don't need or want anymore. I have a crap tone of cloths. I gained weight now too and my ass no longer fits into my favorite shorts or jeans! It really sucks, but they can be replaced. It just really sucks. I want to get more booty shorts from Good Will today with my friend because god knows I need them for summer! I had to get rid of almost all of my shorts! That reminds me too, I need to go down to the basement and find all of my jeans that don't fit me and sell them as well. I will probably have to do some digging though. They shouldn't be too hard to sell sense they are big name brand clothing. I could make decent money off of them. So far people are into the shorts that I had posted, so I am sure they will be just as interested in the jeans I am going to try and sell.          I have a tone of batteries now for my camera! I am super happy about that because I have been wanting to get back into taking boss ass pictures on my camera. I used to take amazing photos of myself and edit them to the point that they looked professional. I used to pretend I was a site model back when I used to do that stuff. I have kind of always wanted to be a model. I am hot enough for it! Like, why not? I have people on facebook asking me to model for them all the time. The only reason I don't do it is because I don't trust them. I mean, I am a lot more comfortable just taking pictures on my own. I get weird and not know how to be sexy when someone else is taking the photo that I don't know. I want to appear super hot and I tend to freeze up unless no one else is around. I usually just set my camera on a timer. I have been doing that for a really long time.         I am all stocked up on sh*t that I need. I mean, I know that I have said this before, but I am literally stocked up on everything that I need now. I got everything that I can possibly get that I need. I love that feeling of having everything that you need. I don't need to really go anywhere because I have everything. I have tones of face wash, I have tones of batteries, I have tones of hair dye, Shampoo and Conditioners, eos, bras, underwear, colored pencils, deodorant, makeup, razors, makeup wipes, contact solution, the list goes on! I will not need to be running to the store any time soon. I have everything I need. All I am planning on doing now is buying stuff that I want rather than need. I want to get a tone more books and I want to get new short shorts. Hollister short shorts.  0 Comments

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