People pleasing and internet presense
Hi ! I wanna start off this blog brand new and without all the nonsense I had before. Just me using the blog feature for, y'know... blogging. And thoughts. Sometimes I like having those
On the contrary though, for as much as I love what I'm slowly becoming (detached from discourse and caring less about what my peers think and caring more about what I think), I sometimes hate the internet. The internet has become very... unwelcoming, within the last couple of years and I hate hate HATE it so much
I have spent so much of my time online trying to fit in, which felt at least a little easier to do than it was to in real life because my ass could NEVER fit those conventional molds but maybe I could online ? Maybe I could be accepted easier online just as long as I am with whats Right and stop doing this and start doing this instead. Put down the things I used to enjoy, yet again, in favor of fitting in with the crowd around me at the price of my own personal happiness. I was miserable, man. Genuinely.
Especially since my taste in fiction is not favorable to mainstream palettes, soooo, would I rather be happy or be told to die for what I willingly click on on ao3 ? My mental state couldn't handle it, and it was, mentally, the worst years of my life. Until I stopped giving a sh*t, of course, and started doing what I was doing before; going techilogically off-grid and doing whatever the hell I wanted on the land I cultivated.
Literally did NOT consider moving to Dreamwidth until recently because of the revelation and me wanting to be me away from prying eyes of people who'll actively seek me out to say how disgusting I am, and more accessable to people who are like me in a way. I was even going to get a Deadjournal, but alas, I do not have Paypal. Me being happy and more stable now is a result of the turmoil that I had to go through to realize this wasn't very good, and that also meant sticking around a romantic partner who turned up to be trash anyway. Again, all of which online, because I could literally breathe offline and be looked at funny !!! And thats only PARTICALLY a joke !!!
But I wish I could be the way I was openly. Like someone could like, idk 11 years ago ? I like now times, but before times was good too. A combination of now times and before times would be nice. Now times because I wouldn't get swatted like a fly for having a weird gender and before times for the anime community, honestly.
People are way to afraid of being ""cringe"" nowadays and it's really f***ing sad. I am openly as ""cringy"" as one can be I mean hell I have a goddamn ANIME PROFILE PICTURE right now, but I need others to know that it's fine !!! Who cares dawg !!! Indulging in the stuff you want to indulge in will NEVER be a crime and I will HAPPILY hold your hand if you want to ask the Hot Topic employee about the Ouran Highschool Host Club or Attack On Titan shirt thats hung up on the wall. I will, also, stare down the weirdos that wanna giggle at people existing differently. Like that anime boy glare but its got that signature tboy swag to it and I'm wearing a 2ptalia Japan cosplay
Anyways sh*ts weird and more corperate and actually very, very sad, and I wish I wasn't 5 or 6 when anime peaked in my opinion.