forgive me if my words & actions seem to contradict.
if i say one thing and then say another.
i'm just trying to make it out of this alive, and i'll do anything to keep my head from going under.
past circumstances have made me careful to wield mortar in one hand and a trowel in the other.
to a discerning eye, there's a few leaks, but otherwise it looks impenetrable.
ilearnfromthebest.
the truth is if i could close my eyes & knock my heels together i would wish to never have met you.
it's hard for me to see you as a sympathetic figure, rather than one of pity.
too often i have known people who try to play their cards to get out of jail free.
but a rose by any other name is still the same.

i know you're not as innocent as you seem—
it's not a fair fight when you choose someone weaker than you.
all i can do is be glad that i'm not naive as you want me to be.
i know why you're afraid of me.
i'm not dumb enough to play the game, especially not underneath the spin light.
despite the posturing, i have the tendency to strike where it hurts the most.
because the goal is to watch you bleed out.
it's my greatest weapon and my greatest shame.
not sure if i should wear it like a badge of honour or hide it in the drawer.
it helps me, it hurts me, it protects me from boys like you.

thanks for confiding, if only you knew i'll use it against you when you back me into a corner.
force fit me into whatever role helps you sleep at night.
i know what you want, what you really want.
the effort would be commendable if you weren't so utterly pathetic.
like i should take any advice from someone like you.
because what is stubbornness but cowardice?

"who you are, what you say,
you're just a boy who's afraid of the dark."
saint abby