NY - FR - HI ++ can? can
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  awake

so the last time i blogged was in november i think? i talked about barbarian which was a movie i only watched bc my boyfriend (now ex) at the time put it on for me. never heard of it before. but since that day i have done a lot. went to New Jersey for thanksgiving at my friend Tiffany's place, went to NYC twice for <24h each (staying at ex's place), went home to Hawai'i where same ex had visited me for a week, and am now studying abroad in Paris. It has been such an experience being abroad. The first month was hard because January felt like forever and the weather was so gloomy. Doing a long distance relationship was hard but I was way more secure and happy in this one than my first so i didn't fret too much. He came to visit the week of Valentine's and we went to Italy for an overnight trip. It was fun with some downs as well. I think I could feel him pulling away already but it more on myself being an anxious/depressed person so I beat myself up over it more. Well the month following, he distanced himself bit by bit and upon the second time I pointed this out ( tho i was never mad bc again, i was secure w mysefl just anxious if something was wrong with him, if anything happened) he explained he couldn't do distance, coudln't find the energy to talk to me, etc that he felt like a d*ck. It was a d*ck move and I hated it lol so he broke up w me. Hurt a lot but still I rise!!! It's been a month since then & I made friend's (little April fling for fun) with a Spaniard 'G.' G introduced me to his Spanish friends and his other friends from his former workplace (Mickey Land ), girly 'P' from London being his bestie and meeting others from Ireland, Miami, & France herself. I've been in Paris for 4 months now and I know it like the back of my hand. I was able to navigate it pretty well since my French is ~okay (can read p much everything but i suck at speaking beyond a elementary level tbh & i can comprehend well when they speak slowly). It's been hellish in the way that I have to share a room with beds 1 ft apart. a kitchen so small u can burn one elbow and get the other wet at once while accidentally opening the fridge and dishwasher with your toes. I live behind 2 train stations so it's nice to hear them go by and draw me to sleep. It's been sad bc I only ever made 1 sort-of friend in my program but we only spoke because of class or walking home, never really hanging out or going on trips together. YEah i could've traveled alone but it was a bit expensive and I am not comfortable with that. I want to be with people that want to be with me, but I guess that's not possible now. G leaves tomorrow and then I have 10 days til i go back to New York to arrange my things at university (storage for summer & summer concert haha) then back home for the summer! It's been sad. My pills for anxiety/insomnia, i began taking them every other day to test their long term effects (i had only been using them as needed) and I thought it was going really well because I only felt general anxiety but otherwise super good about myself. But then as time went by, I no longer felt this way. Not anxious, bc the pill helped with that, but I was suddenly feeling a lot more existential, sad, and slow. I had went to the eiffel tower one sunrise and walked along La Seine to make myself feel better ot at least be outside and all I could think about was crying. I didn't. I came home and started bawling, but over what? I was not even sad about anything but just wanted to d*e and lie there and it was just too much. I googled out of curiosity the effects of my meds and saw that if u have depression it makes it worse, In a way, with my anxiety subsisded, depression was able to take front and center finally. I stopped taking those pills immediately, but will maybe take them again only as needed. It was fun. I explored pretty much every nook and cranny of this city, alone obviously. The canal, monuments, museums, parks, metros, towns, etc. When my friends came to visit we went to the river parks, the fun fair, Disneyland, etc. (for free #ThankYOU'P'). I should be asleep now because i have an assignment due tmrw at midnight and class at 4:30 with a presenattion that I did do the slides but not much on practicing what i'll say. I need to buy gifts for family still when i return home. I want to try be active on here a lot more often, it is just hard bc when i log out and close the tab, i forget it exists again for months. I hope whoever reads this enjoys what I have put down & you're having a good day. I want you to let me know what is the worst show youve recently watched and why? Mine would be my attempt at the Disney Series Bunk'd (but the new seasons w o the jessie cast) because it felt so,,bad. lol idk it's so late for me can't think too much. good night & talk soon? mahalo & aloha