the world isn't meant for machines like me.
Category: Real Life
trigger warning : derealization/depersonalization, parental abuse.
Machine Girl by Weevildoing hits close to home. very close to home.
about my strugges with chronic depression (possibly dysthemia, I need to research), my derealization/depersonalization, and how both have played into my alterhumanity.
I've had depression for over half a decade. It was doomed to happen with or without my mom's influince, my dad had been formally diagnosed before and is also trying to work on his mental health along with me, but he's a different discussion for another time.
What had happened at home since my earliest memories just amplified what I was going through times a million. An autistic ADHD kid with early onset schizophrenia and neglect and "punishments" sure as hell don't go well together. Everyone should know this by now, but some people just dont beleive in mental illness due to their own background and culture. So is the nature of growing up mixed race, on one end "its okay to be sad", and then theres "stop being a snowflake and suck it up child of 9 years".
I couldnt be myself under the roof I was in. I still cant. Any ounce of an opinion or concern is shut down with yellling.
You eventually get used to it, becoming a husk of what shouldve been a happy, carefree child, enjoying school and time with family. You feel empty, you start to be reckless with your actions to get some sort of feeling out of it, only to figure out its against the rules. No one tells you why its wrong, so it keeps happening.
Until eventually you have to put up a front for everyone to stop worrying. The front behaves the way people would expect you to in certain places to the best it can. And then its hard to let your guard down, even with someone who swears up and down that you can trust them and that they wont hurt you. If you rip the front away from yourself, you rip of the rest of the flesh and nerves from it. you see yourself lose the things that made you you,
because having individuality would be weird and bad and it will get me shunned, and see nothing but the same meat-and-bone baseline everyone achives at birth.
you dont know what you are anymore. you dont know who
you are anymore. you feel like a broken person. but "person" seems like the wrong word, you dont feel like a "person" in the sense that you are human. this body is not truly what you are. you feel yourself more to be a machine at this point. a malfunction of a being, ridden with viruses to the point barely anything can run on its hardware anymore. more than 2 tabs open could make it crash entirely, shutting down for hours or days.
you'd think this isnt normal. this really isnt. so you see someone about it, see the internet, and they give you words for it. words you know have been tossed around you before, but didnt know that they meant what you where feeling. and you figure out there are ways to troubleshoot yourself. there are antiviruses. but once you have those in your grasp, it feels like the world snatches them back from you, and all of a sudden, youre 6 in your bedroom again, hiding and huddling.
and youre forced back into the isolation you dreaded so much. you're stuck. you feel like no one wants to help you, and no one will ever want to help you, because youre "too broken". they might as well throw you in the junk yard, because you feel like thats where you belong.
youre stuck being this shell of a being, and you cant remember when it first started. all you know is that its been years since you've felt happy, or felt joy. and you feel so old yet you've only been on this planet for 16 years.
. . . this is why I connect with Machine Girl so much.
It hits the nail right on the head with how Ive drifted through life, and I have music to thank for that. helping me express the things Ive felt for nearly a decade through poetry and sound.
Towne is good at their craft, even if its one of their older works and theyre less proud of it, its just as good and has a similar feel to their TPTM album currently in progress.
Who knew there where people out there who felt exactly the way I did ?