to those who know me closer, I doubt they're even active on here at all, they all know I like talking about orientation. I'm really big in that sort of thing, I like having extended dicussions on how we view the world, trying to pinpoint the emotions we got going on in our meatwad of flesh-
especially since I don't have many friends who are aroace,
like I am in a way. I only have maybe, one or two friends who are ? even so, sadly I don't talk with them often. alot of my current friends are strictly alloromantic, allosexual or both.
which kinda gets me in a way, as much as I love all of my friends. I forget that they are, for brief moments.
and in a way, I'm still in the phase of procesisng all of this new and recent information with me, I've been identifying on the aromantic and asexual spectrum for a little over a year now. I'm already a forgetful thing, but I'm still coming around to accepting that not everyone is feeling how I'm feeling. most people I'm around and tend to attract don't rarely have crushes, they have them all the time. most people think of sex when it comes to a romantic relationship, and how the sexual and romantic attraction play into eachother. most people know what both feel like.
I, on the other hand, do not. I havent felt an ounce of attraction until 5th grade. My first crush identified as a girl at the time, I was a girl-kisser in denail. Because up to that point I had just assumed that imagining these overly romantic things in nature is what gal-pals did. or I pushed the thoughts out entirely, thinking I needed to like a boy
only, and people would think I was more of a weirdo for liking girls ontop of still liking MLP. He'll never read this, which is GOOD he should NEVER find this I will JUMP OF THE NORTHWEST BRIDGE (/silly, I will not do it I swear), but at this point, he knows I like him. neither of us are women now, but my feelings dont change for him at all. and even if he doesnt feel the same way back to me, I am compleyely okay with that. I just want him to be happy, I dont care about my selfish desires of dating him at that point.
The next that I latched onto was actually a guy. We met online through Steven Universe back when the movie first came out. I was absolutely in LOVE with the movie and would never shut up about it, and I still adore SU and its movie to this day. Though that boy ? ... not so much.
He was a horribly raicst, transphobic and uneducated person, paired with my anti-cringe culture, white/black mixed race, tumblr-woke ass. It was 4chan x Tumblr all over again, but imagine it being horrifically controllilng, and even with my own horrific actions with this boy, I'd never stoop so low. moving on.
Another one, more recent. I met her in late 2021, months after the last. I was vulnerable, and still terrified and hurt from the abuse I suffered in that past relationship. I should've given myself some more time. Though at this point, I had figured out I was asexual and arospec. I didnt know where I was along the lines of aromantic, but I just knew I was what I was. It was love at first sight, just like the last boy.
She seemed kind and caring, listeing to me through all of my troubles, and I found so much comfort in being held and protected by her, and protecting her as well, helping in the ways I knew would make things at least a little better for the both of us. I never wanted to let go. I fawned over her.
but we where both stupid, and that woman didnt know how to shut up.
I kept thinking things where going to work, but you cant work things out with someone who'll give up when you try to push them in the right direction. she was too lazy to put in any sort of effort, so she ran away from our issues every chance she could. and as much as I was in love with her, I hate people like that. I cant bare to love someone so cowardly. I had never "attempted"
over someone before, but she was the first. there where so many red flags, lies told to my face, backstabbing, and I had to hear about all of it through one of my cuirrent partners and his boyfriend. She even tried to win me back with a poem, but the damage was already done. I am never going back to something that was just my previous ex, but not openly racist.
but now, one of my current partners. my husband.
I love talking about him, I never thought I'd be here, WE never thought we'd even get together, but I decided to no longer be a scaredy-cat on valentines earlier this year. it was while I was with the previous girlfriend, and in my first ""formal polycule"". I met him shortly after her, because apparentlty they where friends for years, and he watched as she figured herself out, and flip through people.
I originally wanted to wait a few months after what had happened recently with him all those months ago. He had been through so much, and I'd feel awful jumping onto him weeks after. I also thought he was too good for me, and that I didnt deserve someone as nice as he was. It felt so wrong to be treated with care after being told you where so horrible. But here he is, this wonderful ray of sunshine, coming through to remind me that I'm not the unlovable piece of disposeble trash I think I am.
He asked me all about the things I liked, whilst I did the same. Through all the discussions full of casual rp affection because its the best we can muster, we know eachother and the things we adore like the back of our hands. We share so much in common as well, and I helped him figure himself out, with his orientation, gender, anything I was able to and that he'd let me give suggestions on. And we'd be so comfortable being open with eachother about everything on our silly, gay little minds.
sometimes we stare at eachothers phones, forgetting for a moment that we're even dating and that it's like we had quiet crushes on eachother all over again. he's just so pretty, it's hard not to get lost in the soft tone of his voice and that cute little laugh of his with every bit I try to pull. Those moments are everything
and there is another, but I don't think I should bring it to the public juuust yet.
and with all of this, I have expirienced love in ways I both shouldve had much earlier, and shouldve never had to begin with. but you'd think that having only 4-5 times youve actually crushed on someone genuinely, to be thinking about them day and night, only having it those few times isnt allo? yeah that isnt allo, I figured that out, I think the term greyromantic
fits the bill in that case.
while I love the idea of love, I love romance, I love giving advice, I've rarely felt it in my entire life. It gives me more of a sense of disconnect from the topic, and from other people as a whole because of how infrequent it is. I didnt feel normal, but a different "flavor" from all the "alientaiton because of having a neurological disorder and multiple other mental illnesses".
and I dont have to be normal. I love being who I am shamelessly.
suck my ass. :]