09-19-22, 00:33AM

navigating the post-heartbreak world:
cut my hair w a razor, now the flat iron is my bff, wrote my first (of hopefully many) captions for school, in the middle of writing songs to turn into our first demos.. navigating the world in ways i once refused to

i used to long for heartbreak. i saw it as a smoking gun of juvenile maturity and the pinnacle of creativity. i would enter situationships where i gambled my heart and put it at a disadvantage just to get the hurt i only ever felt through music that had more experience than i did, bc i thought that the immense pain i envisioned would help me create masterpieces too.

but theres a difference between viewing heartbreak as an accessory and having it crash down your senses in waves. 
first kisses, first nights in, first everything.. evenings you swore would be your first and last. when you get used to the warmth of limbs tangled in between each other, your soul wants nothing else in the world. when you share it and force it to abandon its solitary status, it gets used to the company and forgets how to live without it after it gets forcibly ripped apart. but thats where the hurt comes, and thats where the anger comes, and thats where the creativity comes, and your desire to make something beautiful out of the shock that flushes through ur entire body.

"just as long as u save a piece for me..." because pulp's lyrics are anything but mature and withstanding. but the thought stands still. we'll never be who we used to be, and the times wont be like they used to be. the sun won't rise the same way, the moonlight will never shine on us in the dark like it did a hundred summer nights ago. we're growing changing and evolving... but we can only pray that the memories we made stick somewhere in the core of your mind. leave a morsel of me inside your head. 
and b.), i am the one minute friend.. i am su li zhen. i am the one who avoids ticking clocks and certain times of the night.. the one who used to be unable to imagine how fleeting those fleeting touches truly could be?! but there comes a time when u need to swallow it all up and go back to macao anyway (and u have to do it sooner than soon enough, because otherwise you'll just end up suffocating ur mind with what ifs.)

i think im doing better than expected for myself (xcept for the 6 planets in retrograde bc theyre f***ing w me REALL HARDD), and i actually end up liking the effect of being half-blindsided from everything thats happened so quickly. art comes to me easily, songs sound better than they used to, determination is at an all time high (most of the time). its a great thing to learn from, and im excited to move forward. its not the easiest thing to do, but its the most fascinating. if i cld wish for one thing, it would be for the process to go by quickly