It’s not a phase, mom…or is it
Current mood:  nostalgic

Been listening to loads of new music recently, I think my tastes are expanding. With that comes the realization that....
I think I'm growing out of my emo phase.
Not that I don't like the scene anymore...but more that I'm not sad anymore and I'm emo because I love it and not because I don't love myself. It's something I'll always like the aesthetics of, but recently I've been missing that "emotional darkness" or whatever that made me gravitate towards emo in the first place. Call me a poser now I guess. I'm happy.

I'd say I feel similarly with the punk side of me but it feels more like punk is being stripped from me involuntarily. Growing up, cleaning up, giving up. I've got a job. I've started wearing shirts with collars. I'm too tired to be angry and I feel like that's how they get you. I've been beat down enough times and it's starting to feel like the better deal is to go with the flow and I hate that. I wish I could feel that righteous anger at injustice consistently. But every so often comes the sneaking thought that "this is just the way the world works and you can't do anything to change it". What bullsh*t, y'know? But "just accept it" is easier than "this is not acceptable". Growing up, cleaning up, giving up. It's how they get you and I'm trying to fight it.
But also, punk music sucks. I'm sorry. I love it but it's objectively bad. It's warped my standards for music because now I think that someone screaming incoherently and smashing their guitar into a sh*tty mic is the pinnacle of music. Someone's gonna hate me for saying this but I heard a pop song the other day and finally discovered what listenable music is. I didn't know songs could sound so nice. Like I absolutely love the ethos of punk and I love the music at the best and worst of times but c'mon guys. Lmao.

So...yeah. I'm still punk. I'm still emo. I guess. I'mma stop being fake deep and say yeah the stuff is cool n the ideology is something I connect with and the music is my jam. But like I'm too lazy to be as super into the subcultures as I was before. Like sure I guess I play the part? I put on the same punk battle jacket and MCR tshirt whenever I go out and put on my old playlist and call it a day. Lazy I'm telling you. Maybe I'm not losing my alternative-ness, rather it's become such an ingrained part of me I just stopped noticing it. I quit feeling like I'm punk or emo because I'm just me and that's the most punk and emo thing I could do. Yeah...that more accurate. Sorry that the premise to this post was clickbait. I'm still those things I just don't feel the need to get so obsessed with it. It's a part of who I am but it doesn't define me, y'know? 
Well that was a whole epiphany lmao. Yours in alt-ness,
-Jed