daniel's monthly
Current mood:  awake

hi.

it's been a weird day. i started today out with intense dread and turmoil, expecting to not really have the mental energy to try to interact or be myself. but, over the course of a couple classes of school, i started to come out of my shell. things are different.

as i obviously have not mentioned before, i recently shaved my head. while at first i was enthusiastic, that enthusiasm and happiness turned to turmoil as i realized i didn't have a shell to recede into when i felt like i was unattractive that day; my hair. soon, i was in distress. i was crying. my mother had berrated me with fury about what i had done. i was so, so afraid to go to school. this all happned yesterday, august 14th, 2022.

and so with all things comes the next day and im sitting in bed, wanting to sleep past my alarm to miss out on school. it felt like 2 sides of my brain were fighting over what i should do. should i go or should i feign missing the bus? i felt so insecure, i didn't want to be seen at school at all. oh my god, it felt so terrible.

i soon got up and begrudgingly got dressed, my eyes puffy from last night's crying and my head and gaze held low. my mental health had plummeted in just under 3 days. 

why did i do it? well, i did it because i wanted to take away that shell i had always receeded into. i didn't love my face if my hair wasn't attached to it. and that's not good, because just as on saturday i had shaved my head, my hair could be taken away just as quickly. i decided to shave it for my own personal journey but that didn't come easy. i now realize this is going to be one of my hardest trials in life. the realization hit me like a truck. things do not and will not come easy for me for the rest of my life. i know that now. i will have to try to cope with the fact that i am who i am and i look like how i look, and not much can change that. my mother said it matters who i am on the inside. she said i can change every part of me but if i don't love myself, none of that will matter. 

i realize that now. that ever so important truth. 

onto greener pastures, i have discovered new artists and new things about myself.
i love clowns and vintage aesthetics.
i listen to fleetwood mac, beastie boys, misfits, boa, the mamas and papas, among other older bands now and i LOVE them!

my everlasting love for classical art has grown. 

oh, and i want to be a clown for halloween!
..
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teehee alright. long post, but that's it for now. byebye

- daniel ✮