EllisHomicide

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March 13th, 2024

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 18
Sign: Cancer
Country: Philippines

Signup Date:
January 02, 2020

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05/08/2022 03:07 AM 

05-08-22, 03:07AM



the cavities in my body are always open. reach into my chest and feel around it like ants swarming around in the back pocket of caramel-stained dark wash denim jeans. there is my heart that rings and pounds... there are keys, and there are keys. keys that take the locksmith a little longer to make, keys that produce a deeper sound when they jingle and shake. a bit thicker than usual and carefully crafted to fit into the grooves of whatever door it was made for. reach into my chest, and feel around for my heart. grab onto it... it is as big as your fist yet it will feel heavier than such... my heart is full. for the first time in a while. it is the memories and firsts that help it sink down into my bloodstream. it is heavy with gratitude and its weight keeps my feet on the ground, bringing me peace of mind. and if you're psychopathic maybe shake it a bit after holding it for a while. it doesn't sound so empty anymore.
i like lazy afternoons that melt into fervent evenings. a certain someone's lips that leave me breathless and wanting more. a soul so special i find myself uttering words i never thought would dare enter my mouth. it's not just the dopamine! it's finally having the intention to slow down. relax... stay here for a while. in this pile of tangled limbs and whispered affirmations. no harm, no deadlines, no need to explain yourself. stay. just... stay. nothing but peace crackles through the humid air. and when the last of the setting sun's rays hit my window... when the last of its luster hits the glass, and it shines on their face...

it is calm. it is heartwarming. it is everything i could ever ask for.

they are the one who can send my heart into overdrive... and also bring me serenity i have never experienced before. is it merely juvenile admiration? is it all the nerves trying to get used to the next few years that i hope for? i have never been more sure of anything in my life. would i really long for someone else's warmth? look for someone else's eyes that are not as unique and captivating as theirs are? we have all the time in the world, i constantly say. but i would not like to imagine a universe where they are not a part of my life, a universe that lacks their wit and affability... a universe where it is not them that i say "i love you" to. 

and then i put pieces together in my mind, blending together our shared moments and the most obscure details of our own interests. forever is such a long time, yet it cannot come soon enough. is it too early to say they are the ones i would like to spend forever with? is this great admiration something that will die down in a few years' time? is what we have a flame that would be blown away by the faintest of winds? i have no idea. i'd rather not know. i like where we are. i like to think about where we'll be. i like to form pretty pictures in our heads of how we'd exist when we finally seem like we have our lives together. when is the start and end of forever? i desperately want to rush toward it. in the hopes that it is them i would spend it with. "i'll be here as long as you need me," i say. because who knows when they'll tire of my restlessness? but i fear i'll need them for an entire lifetime. and to whom can i even admit that? i can't even say it to myself; since when have i longed for someone so intensely?

but forever is just a few decades away, or at least i think so. is it so wrong to want it now?




 

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