shout out mental illness
Category: Blogging

hey. look who it is lol. have things gotten better? yes and no. in reality more changes are happening for the better, i just wish my brain would let mebe content. i read online that this type of anxiety and putting up walls is a defense mechanism. ironic how im putting up walls for the wrong reasons. i wish i could control that. anyway, my aunt is letting me move in with her the first week of april, which is good! and cheyenne n tyler are letting me stay with them until i live with her, which is also good! so why is it not good enough? i actually have a plan that i've been looking for since december and now that i finally have it it's not good enough. i can't even handle chai being gone for 4 days with his band anymore because of the routine and way of living i got myself used to. sometimes i wonder if it's the same for him. couples aren't meant to spend all their spare time with each other and i really told myself i wasn't gonna be like how i was with cheska with him but im so scared im starting to. it's my fault for not making boundaries and putting up walls in the wrong places. but if he doesn't think it's a problem it's not, right? at least im aware. i need to talk to him about my separation anxiety im starting to develope. i know what i need to do but im scared. im scared of it getting worse again. idk where im going with this tbh just needed to write and i dont have my notebook lmao. i forgot how to do things for myself aaaah isn't that so crazy LMAO i hope im not taking that away from chai and i hope he doesn't think he's taking that away from me because it's literally all my fault aah i need to talk to him about all this LOL. peace