Growth
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  angry

From a very young age my mother would put me down constantly for the way I looked, making comments about my nose and how it would be so big and ugly when I grow older, and my weight.
as i grew up I realised most of these comments were how she saw herself. I used to get so f^cking upset whenever people would say "you look just like your mother" yet whenever she heard that she would look so proud and happy. And i realised she didn't. hate me, she was envious of me.
A short talk with my grandmother a while ago made me realise our family is infected w generational trauma. my great grandmother, Olive, would tell my grandmother she would be "fat like her" when my grandma grew up. I don't know too much about my mothers childhood but I know my grandmother married young and had my mother young, and as a result woul often argue with my grandfather all the time when my mother was a child, my mother growing up with that along with my aunts abuse via older men and my mothers assault when she was younger than I am now. I assume my grandmother would take that stress out on her, with the mindset of "youll be fat like me."
Because that is what my mum would say to me. Direct quotes being "when you grow up your nose will be long and fat just like mine." and "you're going to look so old and big when you're older." "dont worry, we're bigger girls in this family."
I heard these from the age of 11, before i'd even had my first period or first kiss. Already I was hearing how growing up, i would become fat and ugly and undesirable. this tainted my image for so long and still has, it's one of the reasons my self esteem was so low when i was with my ex, aside from him constantly putting me down.
Growing up i had this fear of growing older, that it was bad and wrong and I should be ashamed of how I looked but I shouldn't. at all. nobody should ever feel like that especially not 11 year old me who just wanted a hug from the only female role model she ever had in her life.
I started to love myself more, aphrodite helped, but I started realising my family is more than our trauma. I have my great grandfathers nose, i have a slavic nose from my great grandfather Stefan who escaped poland. I shouldn't be so ashamed of the nose that was given to me from the man who protected innocent Jewish people in his community.
I have my fathers eyebrows and lips, and my mothers bone structure. i have her smile which is still hard for me to accept because SHE chose to push her own self hatred into her daughter at such a vulnerable age.
And i should never ever base my self worth on my weight. Doing that pushed me into eating disorder culture before I'd even added letters to math. 
I'll never let myself be ashamed of the features my grandparents gave to me. Only ashamed of the attitude they let themselves have and the fear of growth they embedded so deep inside of them.
I'll never let their words, or my ex's words affect me. 
I understand now people don't deserve my love if they will only love to hate me in return.