11-13-21, 04:02 AM

exchange comfortable conversation for remarks tinted with the slightest bit of teasing. they're similar to the promises i keep in my heart and bury inside its tiniest veins. they're not serious, always half meant with the intention of getting attention. i go past the principles of what it means to be someone who has never felt genuine attraction towards a man....... i get high off of validation. get high off of the sensation and faintly increased pulse and act like it's ephedrine.... as if i need it. and it is entertaining to me the same way i flip through dead channels fighting for their life on outdated cable tv. something about the sensation... about someone else painting a picture of you inside their mind with unadulterated concern and excitement. maybe something else even... it's exhilarating, to be satisfied by words so vacant and overused. and a few more steps in this direction and i suddenly do not know where i'm going. who even am i anymore? trade an actual identity for practicality. sacrilege has always been a concept so foreign to many. like spellbooks yellowed with centuries of age slipped into a paper shredder, all modern and sleek. but to be in a country still shadowed by statues of wooden saints and adorned with the daintiest rosaries... values always observed for the purpose of obtaining a one-way ticket to heaven. and to disrupt the status quo my family has had in mind for my life... the exact path of the steps they want me to take permanently marked in my memory... it suddenly seems impractical. and stupid. and unnecessary... to live my truth. going against it seems so futile now, like it's not worth the fight, knowing i can stand to masquerade around and enjoy being in the romantic company of a man anyway. because what if attention's all that i crave? being with someone i'd truly pour all my affections over, except i'd probably have to face harm in return... i'd go to lengths to keep my family happy... and if living a lie for eternity is what has to happen, then so be it -- i think i'm ready. i don't know... i can't write properly... can't think properly. can only ramble and hope for the best. must be so funny for the white lgbtq+ community to say they're illegal in so many countries when i have to warp my reality around being so.