10-14-21, 01:48 AM

that one forrest gump scene. i don't know, i've never seen it. how that one guy says something about life being like a box of chocolates... i think love is too. but for other reasons.

preferences... standards... always vastly changing, switching and differing faster than the time it takes for the sun and moon to take each other's places. sometimes they work out in your favor. sometimes they don't. like a box of chocolates that varies for everyone else to enjoy their fair share of the flavors that they desire most. 

in my perspective, with my own two naive eyes who question and intensely pore at situations every chance they get, everyone likes the milk chocolate bars with the peanuts... the ones that start off incredibly saccharine, where the sugar rushes to spread itself across your tongue. tooth-rotting and milky and creamy yet not enough to melt in your mouth. there's a slight chew, a bit of toughness, slightly sticky so they can leave marks on your molars. they stain the teeth for a while. sweep your tongue all around and the faint taste of the chocolate is there. there's also the surprise element - the peanuts. a bit of saltiness, a bit of crunch, a gritty texture most exciting and welcoming to many palates. it peppers the texture of the candy bar and your jaws, an addition in the mix never to be forgotten. the sweetness then never fades; you can taste it even at the very back of your throat, stubbornly staying in there even though you try to wash it down with water.

in more ways than one, boys have always been like chocolates with peanuts to me. frequently coming off strong, whether it's from their suave exterior or their intense body sprays that never seem to depart from their clothes and their surroundings. their personalities come with a bit of grit, somewhat complicated and alien to everyone else. and forcing myself to like boys is like forcing myself to enjoy nutty (ha) chocolate. my attraction to men is like a switch; when i feel like it i kick the voltage up a notch and let the light burn blindingly bright. but it's too tiring anyway, and i just keep it off because i really can't be bothered to pay the bills to keep the lights on. they're like dragons, fun to fantasize about but very impractical. i enjoy thinking of the warmth a hug from one of them could radiate. or how fun it would be to have my fingers get lost in their hair as i whisper sweet nothings in their ears. but when the chance comes, when heartfelt words come my way and the opportunity to get with a boy arrives... i freeze. my entire world stops and regret floods my brain. i don't want to be with one... i can't be with one. and no matter how many bites i take out of the candy bar, the fusion of cocoa and nuts really does not appeal to me.

and women, non-men...

they're bittersweet, and it's just right. there's a bitterness that begins at the tip of the tongue, still coming off strong yet laced with the promise of sweetness and balance. it's a taste that lingers in your mouth for days on end because your brain dares to commit such to memory. the flavors are elegant and lavish; one of a kind. delicious enough that it's almost as if you're drunk on its zest alone. they melt in your mouth just right and have a silky smooth texture that flows in the mouth just right. addictive, like you'd dish out multiple bills just to taste it again.

it seems there's a certain kind of intimacy being with them can provide that men can't. it's delicate and sickeningly saccharine yet i can't seem to get tired of it no matter how many times i experience it. the sensations hit me like a strong whiff of vanilla perfume and it's all overwhelming at the start but it always ends up being familiar, always ends up softening my heart and making it beat 500bpm. it's not awkward and forced and strange, conversations never having gaps longer than a mile. it's always known, always accepted and welcome in my train of thought, seeming so easy even when it isn't. hair that's been doused in some sort of flower scent. hands that grip mine just right. like math rock; multiple complications and questions. but it all makes for a beautiful and unique tune in the end.

sorry -- i do try and test and assess myself, and have done so a million times, but i just can't be interested in guys. life would be easier by a sh*t ton if i were.