Just thoughts, and things doesnt happens in real life.. but in my mind it does

 In my mind, like 2 years ago, someone called me "love" in a YT comment, and in my mind, everyone would see it, and say "oh, this girl has an internet bf, lets bully her, she maybe has a lot of bfs, she is a whore", I didnt even know the man who wrote iit! and it could be only a way to refer to someone like "hey love", but in my mind everyone was callying me a whore for that "love" and i deleted my channel kjsabd
 I think my mom wants me to act like an adult when im 14 f***in years old, she called me toxic, we were watching a motivation video, and the person said "Stay away from the toxic persons" and she said "i have to stay away from you" and i was like "whyy?" and she said "Your negativity, you are always saying you tried, you strived, but you never do it" and its like, yeah... its not easy for me to make things when i have someone telling me im useless always and that i cant do anything... 

Tuesday 22 September 2021/ Martes 22 de Septiembre de 2021
 Why does people think more deep things, like, i dont understand teories like we live in a simulation, i dont really care, in my mind its more simple, in my mind im lije a bug, im a little person in a huuuge rock, in a huge floating rock, in de middle of a space, a spinning rock made of water and dirt spinning around other rock, bugger, and made of fire, im actually not very worrie about future, or things people i know worry about, i am very impulsive and i like to just make things like an experiment, even people say like "its a bad idea" well, life its an experiment, noone has instructions abt how live correctly, actually, i´ll make another point abt my opinion of life
LIIFE: life, life has a point  and meaning to me, and another for other people, everyone has a different perception of life, "life is money" "life is love", well, i will explain whats life for me, but i can say it in just one word, EXPERIMENT
As i said, no one has instructions abt how to live, noone knows what will happen, you just experiment, life is a mistake and acerted test, you will fail a lot, but you will learn, or just fail again, its okaay, life is just to guess what will happen, well, in my mind, when i grow up, i wanna make a looot of things, just to know what would happen (if i grow up, and dont kill myself)
Well, people will tell "noo, dont fall in love, dont do that, dont try that, dont eat that" well, shut up, im not afraid to failing, actually; yeah, i can fall in love with the wrong person, it can hurt, i can suffer, yeah, it can be horrible, 
I can fall in love with the wrong person
I can eat that and get stomachache
I can do that and break my arm
I can try it and fail
ITS OKAAAY, becouse that means im alive, im not afraid to make new sh*t, that doesnt mean i will always be happy and "oh, my bf cheated on me, but it was an experiment" i will suffer and feel pain, but at the end of the day, when i feel better i´ll say, "Hey, that sucked as f***, but, that means im alive heh, i wasnt afraid to fail and i recibed damage, but now i feel better"
You know, see everything like an experiment, say "LOOL, i made a mistake, thats funny"
I also want to watch things like funny things, not be like "DAMMN, MY CAR CRASHED, NOW I HAVE TO WALK", be like "Lmao, im an idiot and crached my car, well, that was a sh*t, never do that again, at least i can walk and see the sky"
Look, life is not a sh*t, situations are sh*t, but, maybe what you decide to do with that situation its the experiment
Living, for me, is DONT BE AFRAID, be able to make everything, yeah, life for me is being impulsive, so whaat, Life is funny, in my opinion, its weird and unexpected, you can say "lool, didnt expect that sh*t happen to me" "never expected i would marry that mf of there" If you make something wrong, its funny, "OOoh, it wasnt like this, i messed it up", then laugh, dear, you f***ed up your car bc you dont know a sh*t about cars, then count it like something funny dont "I hate everything, i tried to arreglar the car, but i messed it up and i tond have money for mechanicals" NAAAH, "LOL, IM AN IDIOT AND JUST F***ED UP DA F***IN CAR HAHA" I dont know, just, im not afraid of almost anything, i wanna make parachute, go to high builds
OOOH, WHEN I GROW UP, I DONT WANNA HAVE ONLY ONE JOB, like, Im actually not worried about what to study, i wanna make a band, i know, cliché, but actually i really love the idea, but also wanna work in little things you know, like a pizza deliver, a waitress, dancer, EXPERIMENTTT ALL JOBSSS, 
Im not worried abt grades too, as i said, i think the point of life is just live, i dont care about the money, about love maybe, but im only worried abt not feeling alive, and not feeling im not enjoying my life, money can burn, love can end, but life can be enjoyed, 
I wanna learn climbing trees, learn to swim in lakes or pools, watch the sky, and just lay in the floor with someone, and giving a f*** about the whole world
 Monday 27h september 2021/ Lunes 27 de septiembre de 2021
 Im not doing any of my homeworks, studying just lost sense, but actually i think its better not doing homework and think there´s more than grades and good works in life, my classmates say that the most important for them is their family and being intelligent, wich actually is sad for me, i think they live in good grades and important jobs, they worry a lot. Anyway, we have differents meanings of life, im unresponsable as f***,
ACTUALIZATION
I hate myself a lot, i didnt do the English homework, im a f***ing unresponsable help i have stomachache bc im worried, or idk, i used to have good grades, everything is going to the sh*t since last 2 years
Tuesday 28th September 2021/ Martes 28 de septiembre de 2021
 I just checked my missing homeworks, i havent done almost any of them, im so unresponsable, my parents changed me to this school bc i wanted to, its not fair to pay them being unresponsable and having bad grades, im hating myself a lot rn, my mom will kill me, she´ll say something like "We changed school and now you have bad grades? you´re not unhappy, its just an excuse to not make your homework" I feel very guilty :( Im useless and lazy, thats the true, now that i have what i wanted i dont do anything to keep it, im so angry woth myself, and feel so f***in guilty, my parents will be dissapointed of me :(
Monday 18th October 2021
 SOOOOOOOO, i cut my hair by myself, im a mess, im a disaster, it doesnt looks like i wanted it to look!, it looks weird, but at the same time i have no problem with that like, meh, its an experiment, i accept it, but my mom has just come from the store, im scared
 I think im going to go today, or idk, my mom hasnt talked to me all the day, and she looks angry, mad and disgusted, she kicked something in the floor and yelled at me, maybe is better if i die, her not talking to me makes me sooooo nervous and sad, i cant with that, i cant deal with her not talking to me, if tomorrow she still doesnt talk to me, im gonna die, i just cant with the person i love most ignoring me or treating me like a sh*t, she really looks SOOOOOO DISGUSTED WITH ME, she looks like she HATES me, i cant with that, maybe i wont wake up tomorrow