much needed vent, tw's
These past few years have honestly been difficult. With my gma mostly. She's got alziemers, been progressing for 3 or 4 years. I just googled how long someone with it can live and I really shouldn't have. It said 4 to 8, up to 20. I know that's just a generalization and I shouldn't even worry. But dammit. I've had such a rough time lately but I won't talk to anyone about it. I love her so much and I can't imagine living without her. I've been with her for all 21 years of my life, she's the one who raised me. She took care of me and now I'm taking care of her. I was such an ass as a teen and I regret a lot of things I've done regarding her, I put her through hell and am probably some of the reason for her blood pressure issues and stress. I know I shouldn't blame myself and she wouldn't want me to, even if it isn't my fault at all. I still do. She's gotten bladder infections more often lately, she's on her second and this time it took her strength. Thankfully she's starting to gain it back with the antibiotics, but I was terrified yesterday. We gave her some azo to help with the side pain and a bit later she just passed out. Started throwing up a lot. Just didn't react well to the azo. Then the next day after her dr appointment, she fell in the yard and hurt her wrist. Thankfully that wasn't bad either. Just has her sore. She sat down in the floor later and couldn't get up. She had to call for me to help her lay down and rest a second. I ended up having to lift her up onto the couch. I don't mind at all helping her or doing these things, it just takes a toll on me because some days she doesn't even know who I am. I know she vaguely knows, but she doesn't recognize me always. I have to tell her. She doesn't remember raising me. She says she wish she knew I was her grandkid when I was young so she could've spoiled me. She did, she really did. I was attatched to her and wouldn't let her go anywhere without me. I don't want anything to happen to her, ever. I've lived with her in this exact house for my entire life. She's getting worse, she'll be 77 this year. I want to relapse so f***ing bad. I want to cut I want to cut. My arm. So bad. My arms itch, they yearn for it. I can't stand it. There isn't anything anyone can do for me, there won't ever be. I know I'll never be the same after something happens with her. I won't be the same again ever. I know I'm gonna relapse and go into a super dark state. I just don't want to lose her. I always used to pray as a kid that god would just take us both up to heaven so we could be together forever. I don't believe in god, but that sounds ideal. She doesn't remember to drink much. She barely eats. She sometimes doesn't even know where she is. She's so fragile. F***, I don't even know. There isn't anything else to say. I'm just f***ing depressed and I want to slice my skin open. I want to focus on something other than what's going on with her. I try to push it to the back of my mind and keep my composure for her and everyone around me, but I'm f***ing breaking inside. I don't like sleeping at night because as soon as my head hits the pillow and I'm not doing anything my mind drifts and wanders and all I can do is think about her. I don't know what to do. There isn't anything more I can do except be there for her and love her. One night she was in so much pain she was praying and thought she was dying. That in itself tore me the f*** up. I lost it and was crying with her. Her side just hurt her real bad from the infection. I hope that goes away soon too. I don't talk about this sh*t with anyone. I say something about what happened, but never any of the emotions or how f***ing much it hurts. I'll joke around about it and say yeah, it f***in sux or something. But never will I say it seriously. Like hey, I really need some help I can't take this. My brain and mental state is deteriorating. I'm just going to put on a happy f***ing face and pretend everything is okay. Get lost in some f***ing mmo where I can pretend I'm someone else and everything is okay when my real life is going to sh*t. I want her to be proud of me but I haven't even acomplished anything for her to be proud of. I'm a high school drop out, I never went back or got my GED. I'm 21 and just now learning how to drive. I've just got my permit. I've got a f***ing larceny charge, can't get a better paying job. Not that I don't like my current job, I love everyone there we're like a big family. But if I wanted one I couldn't get one. When I'm not working I sit at home all day and play a game. I don't DO anything worth being proud for. I'm a failure. I'm disableing comments because this is just a big vent. I want no sympathy. There is nothing anyone can do for me. Saying you're there for me doesn't do anything, I won't talk to you about my emotions. F***, I barely tell my partner any of this. I keep it all inside. No one can help, so what's the use talking about it?