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Category: Real Life
Current mood:  numb

finished a bottle ov vodka in 2 nites lol........last nite i cut myself n was 2 drunk & left my cigarettes in my moms car. i went out in thee snow at like 3am barefoot and was totally bloody. this morning she asked if i was bleeding cuz there was blood all over her car. i just told her yea. theres only 3 cuts but theyre preeeettty deep lol. part ov me doesnt rlly wanna get better. theres comfort in self annhiliation & sadness. i dont wanna kill myself. i just like cutting & feeling sumthing when disassociation is so constant. i barely feel real. its like im existing 3 feet in thee air & away from my body. i see everything but feel nothing. like im stuck in a constant absent seizure like wen i was a kid. just staring, breathing, existing, but not able 2 interact or talk or move until my mom says something abt thee ambulance and i get so scared so i just break down crying. i keep failing in thee grand ideal of being so thin i can feel my heart against my ribs. i just keep eating. i have no self control lol.