if this is falling, i don't want it
Category: Poems
Current mood:  apathetic

it's almost like i can feel the acid in my stomache. i haven't felt like this since i was in high school. i know you're not mine -- and forgive me if im wrong -- but that's what we're doing here, right? I like to think that I see right through you but there's nothing more complicated than two teenage boys. if i said i was hurting would you hold me? or just give me a bandaid? I’m lost in thought and every single one is about you. it feels wrong to be saying that, maybe inappropriate even. I don't know what I’m doing, or how to do it right. 

you make me feel so sick. even if the feeling was mutual, I’m so f***ed up that it would be a mistake on both of our ends. maybe if i had a bit more time to get better this could work. and it makes me wonder, would you wait for me? would you think of me when you're on the train home? or would i end up just another face on a long list of people who weren't worth it? either way your face has worked it’s way into my brain, buried so deep that no matter what i do, you'll always be my last thought before sleep. even if that sleep was a little longer than the others.

i wish i was the type of person to throw my weight around but im such an apathetic motherf***er that ill swallow my pain without second thought. i wish i could punch you. I wish I could kiss you. will i ever be able to breathe again?

i wish i could see what was hidden in your thoughts. i wonder what it would be like to live together. i want an end to the story, and i want to fade to black or smile for the rest of my life. could we do that some time? could we do that some time?

and all those pop songs on the radio proudly proclaim that loving is so easy, so why is this so f***ing painful? If this is falling, I don’t want it. 

it feels like no matter which way the gun is pointed, I’m still going to die.