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i just remembered last time while me and my sister were in our room we joked about how we would leave this sh*thole and never come back but fr tho i would actually leave home bc i hate my family and they are toxic as hell anyways she asked if we would live together in the future w our younger brother as well and i said "uuhhh" bc what am i supposed to say?! when i thought i would run away from home i meant by MYSELF and i was shook bc i never really thought about us siblings living together in the future and she told me that we should and i lowkey felt guilty during that moment and i still am bc i dont think i actually would live w them and i actually thought about cutting ties with my family including them and change my name and live in another country or somethin, i mean i know she apologized to me and learned that it was wrong to have done that to me when we were younger but idk we really only talk about our trauma and talk bad about our family and she never shuts up about the fanfics of harry potter she read, thats it. as for my brother, i know i wasnt the best older sister to him but he pisses me off THEY PISS ME OFF im so f***ing jealous of them they have everything i wish i had and im so f***ing guilty bc its not their fault, its my problem for being insecure and i cant take that so i just always think that they should be grateful for it but i know they probably have their own insecurities too and i feel so messed up bc i know that and still continue to do it. i wish i was never born and i wish i could just f***ing die and i get so sick and tired of those people on the internet who say they love me and i shouldnt but they dont even know me so stop spreading LIES f***kk they just sound like my parents who say they love me but in reality i know they dont they're just saying it for the sake of it, if they did they would actually show that they cared. im sorry i  know those people dont mean harm im sorry thats my fault bc i just wished that someone would love me fr.