feeling extremely dysphoric today. sometimes i post pictures of myself on /lgbt/. i don't know why i do it. i always get told the same thing. i think it's a form of self-harm for me. hey, at least i'm not one of those deluded reddit trannies, right?
i don't know what's wrong with me. something must have happened to me to make me hate my sexual characteristics so much. i wasn't abused. i wish i could just accept it somehow.
i wish i had the motivation to write a song venting about it. but i feel like i've used up every possible combination of words that is out there. i have nothing left to say.
i've had this weird feeling for the last few weeks. like there's a hole inside my heart. seriously, my chest feels physically cold and empty. sometimes i feel like it's a wind tunnel. like there's cold air running through my veins. it reminds me of when i was little, autumn, thanksgiving ceremonies. the brisk air and the dead leaves on the ground. the smell of petrichor and fields for miles.
sometimes i imagine myself merging into the earth. just lying down and letting it consume me. the vines and thorns wrapping around my body. until i am nothing more than a distant memory. a home for the worms