31 days of horror: day 2

day 2: cirque du freak: the vampires assistant
dir. paul weitz
8/10 (changed my f***ing life)
available on netflix and free on seriesonline.io
(also i know this isnt technically a horror movie but. f*** you its halloween)

this movie has everything- spider theivery, john c reiley vampire, teacher murder, homo erotic elements, wolf people, sexy milfs, gothic indie soundtrack, vampire cults, baller transitions, the baby from eraser head, half-vampire x monkey-girl romance, dilfy willam dafoe in lipstick and iconic lines such as “dude, he totally just scratched his balls.” and “you’re soft. you’re a soft little boy”



this movie is so much f***ing fun, it’s not trying to be f***ing prestige and its not kid sh*t. it has fun! it allows itself to play with familiar beats and elements, and it allows itself to get weird and disturbing. it’s lynch meets burton meets like halloweentown or some sh*t.



ok, so here’s the thing- i f***ing love wacky cast of character with their own special talent thing. like i love it. and this movie does it well- it’s unique, it’s not a fat guy and conjoined twins- it’s a snake boy (that yumyum from almost famous) and man without a f***ing torso. insane! in f***ing sane. like it has been almost 10 years since i saw this film and i still remeber the ribs guy and the arm trick. we are introduced to a wolf boy (not a hairy guy!! a f***ing hybrid wolf man) a woman who can regrow limbs (also with the coolest limb regrowing effect i’ve ever seen? like better than it) big tooth woman (mabel from gravity falls) a man with a 3 foot forehead, a two stomached man who barfs up a bicycle that he rides away on, and a f***ing snake boy who plays electric guitar.  lthat’s not to mention the giant man and salma heyek who grows a beard in front of our eyes (and is also psychic)and john c reiley????  f***ing hilar. his first lines sound like something from Peep show or a surprisingly good SNL sketch. 



and the bit where darren is saying goodbye to his parents seriosuly made me tear up. its just really sweet to see a 17 year old crawl into his parents bed and tell them they’re doing a good job okay!!!! and then john c relief gently pushes him off a roof. have to say though the weirdest part of this is steve chewing gum at his wake. like gum ?? during the viewing of your best friends body?? like i get it’s significant for other reasons but. gum?? but then he delivers a heartbreaking speech about how he hates darren for leaving him. and then he gives his corpse his blackberry calls him an asswipe bc he is a vampire. this f***ing movie.



did i mention the dumpster baby song? masterful. or the part where darren calls steve just to hear his voice? the end fight? the girls monkey tail when they kiss? him being a f***ing circus freak? i f***ing love this movie. f*** anyone who hates cirque du freak all my homies love cirque du freak. also like i never read the books (apologies) but f*** u that movie shaped the person i am 2 day before that movie i was a scared lil bitch who cried at the sight of blood and now? pimp as f*** freak

just found out that the actor for the main character is a pro lifer. pain. all i f***ing know is pain. still 8/10