TW everything
Category: Real Life
Current mood:  crushed

I have nowhere where i can really post about this because i feel like a burden, but i want to share my feelings with strangers on the internet. What better place than a knock-off Myspace. 

In june, right before my birthday, i went through the hardest time of my life and its still following me. I got pregnant. which i thought was impossible, apparently not. I was excited, the happiest I've ever been, and scared that it was too good to be true. I told my family andx friends. i was picking out nursery decorations, everything i could imagine to prepare. 

on june 22nd, i went noticed i was bleeding and my heart immediately broke into a thousand pieces.No one tells you how angry a miscarriage will make you. I hated everyone, i hated God. Mostly i hated myself for getting my hopes up. i begged and pleaded to the universe to please let me keep this baby. All i got in return was to watch whatever was left float down the shower drain as ever dark intrusie thought went through my head. 

There is so much more to a miscarriage then people think. I was in so much physical pain, not even morphine helped. I bled for what felt like forever afterwards but i think it was only a month. When i came home from the hospital that night i cried while i cleaned the blood from my bathroom, threw away my sheets, and scrubbed my carpet. The only ads i saw were baby ads. Diapers, baby food, amazon suggestions. i couldnt even play video games without a miscarriage coming up. Al of my for you page on tiktok was new mothers. I had begged the universe to let me keep my child and i got a big f*** you instead. 

i dont know how to make this pain stop. i feel like all my friends have distanced themselves from me.

im the loneliest ive ever been