Word vomit don't read

So like. Ugh okay. I guess I'm make a serious post for once. I really just want to be pretty. Like so so desperately I can't even look in the mirror with a bare face without getting legitimately upset. Like and it's not even that I want validation from men. Like idk people thinking I'm pretty would be nice but like idk I just want to find myself pretty. Like I know other people find me attractive and I'm just not my type and I've been trying so desperately to be okay with that but I'm just not. At least not yet. I look at myself with make up on or dressed more feminine and it feels wrong even though I like the way it looks, probably because I was punished for being feminine growing up despite how much my parents sexualized me openly. I just want to feel desired without feeling objectified. I want to feel pretty without spending a lot of time on my makeup. Idk I'm just sad and ugly. So please gaslight me and tell me I'm pretty so you all can cringe at any new found self-confidence.