i hate the stupid persona i put on when i tlking 2 my friends. its so bubbily and i hate it. im not rlly like tht i dont think. but ig i dont rlly know who i am anyways so-
i havent told the new friends abt my triggers. they make shit kink jokes and foot fetish jokes a lot. one time they made ket jokes. i dont wanna bother them so i dont tell them. i deserve it anyways. im a bad person i deserve it.
i convinced myself that they all hate me, i know im stupid u dont have 2 tell me :( i miss everything. im missing everything but i dont even know what. i wish i had happier times 2 look back on, but ive been so fucked my whole life. i wish i was happy. i wish my mom wld accept me. i wish she wasnt so abusive. i wish my dad didnt work in fucking russia, i want 2 live with him. why cant i live with his family. why her why her. they both say i did bad things 2. yes i did. i was mean. hell i told her tht im happy her mom died (my grandma). but she abused me for years, she convinced me im the bad guy. i dont want to b the bad guy anymore. why am i so horrible. they dont get it. my dad doesnt get it. she abused me. i shutdown when lectured bc of her. i cry when yelled at. i flinch when some1 moves 2 fast. why am i the bad guy? yes i was a bitch but how does that ccompair 2 abuse? please make it stop. i dont want ot be the bad guy. i wish i wanst he bad guy
i made some new friends! its my fp gangs irl, their rlly cool! i dm theo (one of the irls) like all day- its fun, hes nice ^^ im sad because i got so little time with them :( at least with my fp friends i more time with them. im 15 this month :( that means my deadline is near, but thts ok! id like to b free anyways! i mean i love my friends a LOT (their the only thing keeping me here) but ive had this plan of dying b4 16 4 so long. it would feel wrong to b 16, so i need to commit b4 then! im planning on doing it soon actually! im up 2 50mg of zoloft and u only need like 400mg 2 OD!! im waiting till i get 2 100mg i think >:33 i might get drunk 2night, or cut. ive been missing the sting, i think ill use a sharp knife again. my 1st cut using one is so pretty and feels so good!!
the gc jst tlked abt their feelings and i want 2 do the same. i want 2 open up a bit, but i cant. i cant bring myself 2. i dont deserve it, im being selfish, im being an attention whore. i dont deserve to talk abt it
(stolen from simp kinda bc they reminded me of this) i think i dont have triggers then ppl say some obscure shit and i hide into myself, sometimes harming myself i hate it i wish i had actual triggers like sometimes i can handle a joke, sometimes i cant. sometimes it breaks me and i pretend im fine
they invaded our safe space, he invade our safe space they invaded MYsafe space, he invaded MY safe space is it even safe anymore? im not safe anymore. ill never be safe again im always thinking "what if its him, trying 2 befriend me with a catfish im always scared. im so scared
i wish i could fucking cry right now i need to. i feel like sobbing but my face is blank. am i broken? why cant i cry. please. let me cry, let me emote. please
i feel like suicide notes r fake???? like when i attempted it was a thing of the moment, i saw the pills and i did it. like i didnt think of writing a NOTE- i hope i do it again. i want to actually do it this time, my new pills are going up 2 50mg soon. jst need 2 wait till its a higher dose
angsty
