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I Haven't Been PMing Much Lately. Here's Why... Category: Real Life
Current mood:
weird
Ever since my uncle's death, a lot of stuff in my life has been uprooted. Lot's of old trauma and things to reflect on and it isnt fun. I have been having weird C-PTSD flashbacks for the past week. And when I go through these things I do not talk to people as much. The only person I stay in contact with is Tristan cause he's my boyfriend and he is a huge part of my life, and I never hide things from him. I've cut contact with a lot of close people for a while because I have been in such a weird limbo lately. I see my mother in a different light after my father sent me the last message she ever sent to him before she died ten years ago. She was calling my brother and I spoiled rotten and blaming my father for my misbehavior. And to be real that is perplexing. Cause a lot of my behavior was influenced by her isolating me from the family and also abandoning my brother and I without notice or contact whatsoever for years. I always heard she was a good person from everyone who knew her. But were they just saying those things to comfort me? I was just a child at the time. It looked like she was emotionally abusive to my father. I mean, she DID cheat on him with a 17 year old...
I'm embarrassed to have half of her genetics in me. I almost became a carbon copy of her, but I caught myself before I dug myself too deep. I know my dad should have not showed me that screenshot. Im pretty sure that he had no one else to turn to and he is in a lot of pain right now. He misses and still loves my mother and is married to a narcissist. My dad seems to have a rough time finding decent women. And his flaw is that he is a little TOO loyal. I dont think he has any boundaries. Why is this 46 year old man coming to his 23 year old son for advice? He's a good man, but that only put me in a weird spot as well. I feel like everything I was told was a lie.
Im trying so hard to recapture that feeling of youth again. I miss being a teenager sometimes. Not all the time though, let's leave out the puberty and abuse from my step mom. There was just something so weird about those years. I get such odd nostalgia even though those years were some of the worst in my life. I dont talk to anyone I went to high school with anymore. I havent been to my home town in over a year and I only went once last year. I dont talk to my family much other than my brother and my dad. Everyone is growing up. Everyone is getting old. And some days I feel like I havent aged at all since I was 14. Sometimes I dissociate to this weird zone where I feel like it's 2011 again. Like its a hot summer day and I am relaxing in my bedroom with the windows open, the foliage was a vibrant green, I would either be playing my piano, or blasting my music through my television for the entire neighborhood to hear just to piss them off. I would listen to music and draw all day. I was wearing royal bones Tripp skinny jeans, rubber wristband merch all the way up my arms, studded belts, fingerless gloves, leather jackets, bandanas tied in my belt loop, studded rocker boots, converse, colorful hair....
I didnt have many friends. And despite being a scene kid I never really even fit in with the other scene/emo kids at my school. I was called creepy, spastic , weird...I was awkward. I wasnt necessarily bullied, everyone just avoided me. I honestly cant remember most of my high school teacher's names because I was dissociated most of the time. This was only five years ago and I forgot most of my high school experiences. The things that stood out to me the most was my internet escapades. My first online boyfriend, an FTM dude named Devin that lived in Georgia, and was three years older than me. He has a daughter now...I remember constantly checking my MySpace for notifications, hoping one of my favorite bands responded to my messages. I remember the whole 2012 sh*t. Or taking dumb quizzes and writing poetry on the now defunct website quizilla. Those really seemed to be the only good memories. Those and the concerts I went to. I went to my first concert at the age of 15, and I saw Falling In Reverse just after their "The Drug in Me Is You" album released. It was actually for my birthday not that I think back on it all. When I hear bands like Black Veil Brides, Escape the Fate, Falling in Reverse, Vampires Everywhere, Alesana, etc...I feel this strange emotion as if I was that young boy again. It's so hard to describe what that is like, especially to younger kids cause theyre not quite old enough to know exactly what I am talking about. Life changes so much when you're in you early 20's. Nothing is the same anymore. I remember borrowing my friend's phone or computer to talk to my online friends or watch band interviews all night. Or do my hair and makeup cause in the early years my parents were very reluctant on me dressing the style. I feel like my youth is just...dying. My mom and my uncle are both dead. This the realization that started it all. I dont know how to move on right now.
I dont know what to do.
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