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Sasquatch Conservation: An Exception to Malthusian Anti-Natalism
Category: Blogging
Current mood:
 vital
Acclaimed Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman states: "I give a lecture called Sex and the Single Sasquatch. People laugh at first; but then, after laughing, they have to start thinking. What I've found in the sexual realm is that, as opposed to the fantasy that most people assume —of a well-endowed Bigfoot having sex with Indian native girls—the reality of the sexual aspects is mostly with regard to human men being kidnapped to have sex with younger, female Bigfoot."
Which brings me to this blog post.
My university speeches on Malthusian population principles have brought numerous people to tears as they realized that their Judeo-Christian dreams of fruitful multiplication were, in fact, selfish assertions of anthropocentric entitlement to the world's finite resources. The inconvenient truth is that the nuclear family has cast the same shadow of ominous doom over Mother Earth's continued existence as the nuclear bomb.
With such an overabundance of humans, it requires one hell of an ego for anyone cognizant of overpopulation to declare your genes so important that they must persist in new individuals during a time when we need drastically fewer roaming these lands. I may be pretentious enough to regularly use my own name as an adjective, but my ego is not large enough to insist the world needs baby Klobbers running around to knock society's proverbial Diddy Kongs off their progressively sidescrolling paths down the bottomless crevice that has been inexplicably cracked into this pirate ship we call life. Conjointly, I may advocate for the efficient mass liquidation of any soul enriched by the latter day George Lucas, but even my black heart lacks the malice to curse a newborn with the genetic lingerings of whatever the hell I've got going on in my head. I will not contribute to this ecologically suicidal catastrophe with the procreation of another human being.
However, as acclaimed cryptozoologist Loren Coleman has acknowledged, the record of has accounted for far more human males being kidnapped than human females at the hands of alleged sasquatches. Those who subscribe the North American wood ape belonging to the genus Homo have extrapolated that these abductions could be performed so that the human male can mate with a young sasquatch female. I promise to never use my sperm to bring another human to life, but should a bigfoot family ever abduct me for the purpose of hybridization with one of their females, I will happily and voluntarily cooperate in providing my sexual services to the noble cause of bigfoot procreation.
As Phil Collins so eloquently described the issue, there are too many people making too many problems, but I think we can all agree that, whatever quantity constitutes the sasquatch population, it is nowhere near large enough. I had always interpreted a paradox between Phil's observation of human overpopulation correlating with love scarcity, but correlation is not causation. Nowhere in Invisible Touch was it stated that it was specifically human love which was not going around enough. Similarly to how that classic 1986 album's title track was sung with the word "mess up" on the studio recording, but Phil always sang "f*** up" during live performances, I suspect that Atlantic Records censored the true lyrics to Land of Confusion, removing any mentions of sasquatches so not to offend the theocratic sensibilities of Reagan's America. Retrospect makes it clear that what Phil always meant to sing was "there's too many men, too many people making too many problems, and not much squatch love to go around".
Let me be perfectly clear about numerous points. I personally doubt that the addition of human blood into the sasquatch gene pool could ever be anything but a detriment to the sixth great ape, but they're the ones initiating abduction, so I will respectfully yield that they see something in our kind that I don't. Secondly, I want to assert a deep moral opposition to bestiality while raising the question, if Homo sapiens and an unverified Homo species have coexisted for years with comparable intelligence and bipedal capabilities, and it is the sapiens who polluted the earth beyond saving while the bigfoot peacefully roamed in defense of the forests, then which species truly represents man and which one is monster? I volunteer for this duty as a conservation effort for a presumably endangered primate, not to satisfy eager bigfoot fetishism. I am not a zoophile or a furry. I am not sexually attracted to bigfoot. My visits to Candy's Music Shop in Donkey Kong 64 were done exclusively to refill the music energy of my Kong party. Get your mind out of the gutter.
However, if my arranged sasquatch mate, presumably a young female with much self-esteem invested into hormonal romance, should happen to be Neo-Myspace stalking me, I want to reassure to you that you are a specific and extraordinary exception to this rule.
This post was not written to declare intent of action. It's like marking yourself as an organ donor on your driver's license. You're not saying you're necessarily going to die in a car wreck and donate your organs, you're just putting it out there for accountability. I'm not pontificating about bigfoot fornicating, as you may think. I'm just putting it out there, that should the situation arise, I will be ready.
I am a conservationist.
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