how much emotion feeling is normal? i cant super tell what im feeling most of the time unless it results in a physical sensation like that anger did i think but most of the time i cant put a face to an emotion name. apparently stress is any negative emotion thing (anger, sadness, fear) and not just emotions and situations that make you need to scream wordlessly (anxiety, fear)? i should maybe be able to know this definition inherently and i do not like that it is not inherent. i dont want to waste dad's money on trying to get me other therapist-like people in order to make me able to know if im feeling emotions properly since the psychiatrist is most likely useless for that and isnt trustworthy anyway and we dont see the gender therapist psychologist often enough to double dip on what skills he may have with this.

after i was angry, i kind of ran out of energy and took either a half nap or a real nap - i dont remember if i went to sleep properly since i could still remember all of the MBMBaM episode i was listening to at the time. i think that the anger may have been a meltdown? it would have been due to a scheduling shift up that i was not used to or had full knowledge over what was happening with, and i guess it would lend more credence to a diagnosis befitting of it. but it just means im even more of a burden than before.

dads coming home soon since blazing swan just ended, so i may be going back home. part of why he went up early was to save on food costs since he'd just be eating from the kitchen there and not buying new food for the actual house. i dont want to be a waste of money with my behaviours and stuff.

i think theres something worrying about how i can stay up this late to write this and im planning on taking my meds tomorrow to do more homework too. all nighters with stimulants seem bad. this does not seem good. i dont know if ive actually got adhd or if i got it in post since i was hyperactive once at the psychiatrist's and she hooked me up right away. im useless without them now anyway, i can hardly do anything productive when i havent taken them. is that learned helplessness or an actual requirement or what?

god i would like to not do like school or work things with my life. im not that sort of person, i dont think i could do that. i cant get myself hooked up with a job cos im autistic as hell re:that and i cant focus good enough to do anything productive in school all i need to do is get myself a plane ticket and a road trip to pick up rose and mouse and im all set for life