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June 18th, 2019

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Gender: Female
Age: 20
Sign: Scorpio
Country: United States

Signup Date:
November 18, 2018


03/10/2019 07:39 PM 

Current mood:  anxious

weekend was pretty, as the title may suggest, uneventful

im still way behind on that drawing challenge thing i wanted to do 4 march whatever
guitar lessons went fine, i already sorta forgot whatever my instructor tried to teach me yesterday but i did get the name of the song down somewhere so i can probably remember it
i didn't really do anything else over the weekend besides stay inside and be useless
its too bad too, im not really looking forward 2 going back 2 school. my friends are cool and i dont like get bullied or anything but its just kind of laborious being there and like, doing things
health class in particular bores the ever living F*** out of me, the whole class is just rehashed BS and i dont really like the kids i have it with
i also seem to have this weird curse where a lot of times the people i like the most think i hate them, and the people i hate the most cannot physically bring themselves to stop being around me, and it tends to drive me, for lack of a better word, absolutely pigsh*t insane.
i don't know why it is that way Q_Q i consider it more of a personal flaw i.e. my failure to be assertive enough, like its easy to tell annoying strangers to f*** off or just avoid them if theyre bad enough, but when they become literally anything more than just a d*ckhead or an annoying person, its hard to get them to f*** off you know? once they know your name and actively are trying to be near you, then its like..... whoops!
i have issues with like, being real with these people, you see? like i usually try to make it really obvious what people or things i hate because im hyper-vigilant about who i will voluntarily allow to infest my closer circles and i want to minimize sh*tty conflicts and occasions wherein the people around me really irk me. i try to fend off having bad experiences with people i know im not going to like through attempting to intimidate or disgust them into not wanting to be near me, and it works for the most part, but then you get sh*tty whoevers that just want to get all up in your face and see you dance. i don't care about entertaining an audience. whether im a narcissist or a exhibitionist or whatever crazy sh*t i cant really get but i am more performative, i guess? and i dont mind people trying to be my friend, necessarily. but its the people that try too hard, or just don't pick up when youre not finding them cute and funny, i guess. maybe they see you as just like a zoo animal or something, that you're crazy and they think you're gonna give them a show. or they just keep trying to be your bro or something which is... unfathomably f***ing annoying
but i find it hard because like, if these people i hate keep trying to be around me it makes me feel bad because i feel like im lying to them, because they clearly havent picked up that i hate them so they must think i want to be their friend or something. which is not true, so im like, luring them into a false sense of friendship!! oh god oh f*** but also theyre in too deep and if i tell them how i feel theyll try to guilt trip me or whine or try to turn others on me when really its not like a moral issue or something i just dont like you and i want you to stop talking to me dude...... and if i just avoid them without saying anything thats just sort of excessive and also theyll sh*t at me. also sometimes you go in thinking someone is cool but then you get to know them better and its just kind of like digging for gold in a giant trench full of human sh*t
i don't know what i'm even getting at here so im just gonna go ahead and like, say what im talking about. there's this girl in my health class that just buuugs me. i got forced to work in a group with her once and now she knows my name and everything and she keeps trying to talk to me idk what to say... ive been dropping huge i mean absolutely MASSIVE cues that i dont like her but i guess she just doesn't get it? i don't know what i have to do, i mean i get the vibes that shes just screwing with me or thinks she's in for the f***ing circus, but of course im paranoid all the time and she could just be really dense
i dont think i need to get into why i don't like her, i probably will at some point anyway i just don't know what i have to do!! it hurtz me to have to play along like this man how do i get someone to go away
i feel like ive made it all too obvious that i don't like her already and its kind of almost baffling that she hasn't really picked it up. occasionally she'll hit me with one of those "why are you mean / why are you always angry" things like that so she recognizes that its hostile behavior but she doesn't really get the implications??? like im not. Like that im not taking out my anger on you or anything i want you to go away
its also kinda f***ed up for other reasons, like id feel bad being mean to her because she DID give me money once, and she'd probably use that as a reason as to why i shouldn't not like her. to be fair though, i only asked her because i was broke and she was the only person around, it was only a dollar because i wanted a water, and i did pay her back so id think that ends our conditional paypig pact, but idk man. also i recently found out her brother is a kid i think is cool and am kind of friends with? so i think i have to stay on good terms with her because of him v_v its all so complex
ive considered writing her a hate note, like a love note but for people you hate. probably excessive and i probably wont do it anyway but huuuuuuuu
ill end it on this. please uhhh you know people in that weird online new age hippie nice guy collective, weirdos obsessed with being consistently PG and being nice to everyone they meet and forcing the narrative that you Definitely do not have an ulterior motive: we'll stay out of each other's way yeah? but like can you PLEASE for the love of good god damn jesus nipple please just stop propagating this narrative that people that are Not Nice you know big meanie weenies :( are just doing it because theyre jaded and misunderstood and are ACTUALLY precious soft boi smol cinnamon roll must protecc that were just afraid of something. thats not a real thing. i hate to break it to you but that doesn't happen in real life. you saw it in a video game or something but people dont do that. im not some weird ass irl tsundere if i'm actually mean to you its because i dont like you LOL dont talk to me i have reasons for doing the things i do surprisingly im not pathologically made to do things like a caged dog and im not gonna turn out to be your buddy if you suck up to me and kiss ass constantly whoops

oh and i guess theres a guy in that class thats also there that just is kind of annoying but not in a particularly notable way maybe if i got to know him better id think he was less awful but IDK


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