It seems like nothing goes right in my life. 

If you don't know my current situation, I'll explain.

I was living with my sister until September. She went through a divorce and lost her house to her husband, leaving me with nowhere to go. 

My friend invited me to come stay with his aunt and uncle temproarily so I could get on my feet. 

So, I moved in with my friend, his aunt and uncle, and his cousin. in early-mid September. 

I'm still here 10 months later.

In October (about a month after I moved in) me and my friends cousin hit it off and started dating. And we are still dating, 9 months later.

Anyways, In the 10 months I've been living here, I worked for only 1 month (the month of December.) At the end of December, I called out of work and went to the hospital because I was feeling very suicidal. And I've attempted suicide in the past, but now I had a good boyfriend who cared about me, and I didn't wnt to end up killing myself and depressing him. So I went to the hospital, which resulted in me being putt in the 51/50 ward for a night, and then transfered to a mental health hospital, where I ended up staying a few days before I voluntarily left to go back home to my friend's house (right before New Years.) 

This resulted in me losing my job (I had a hard time getting the paperwork I needed to prove I was in the hospital.) 

Since then, I've been applying to Jobs with no luck. I've had a few interviews, but that's where it always ends. 

So I'm going to a temp agency my friend's aunt recommended this coming Monday. 

My friend's aunt and uncle (I'll just refer to them as my bf's parents from here on) are planning to have a talk with me about the fact that I haven't been working and am not paying rent (my friend pays them rent every month, so it's absolutely unfair that I've been here 10 months without paying rent, and I completely understand that.) 

I told them that I'm going to the temp agency on Monday, but they still wanna have the talk with me.

I think they are also upset because I've been mostly staying in my room (my bf's room, really) ever since he left for school. But, to be fair, this last week I had a really bad sunburn and was trying to rest to recover from it since it was incredibly painful to move. 

But anyways.....

now that you are all caught up...

I'm so depressed. I've been having suicidal thoughts again and I dont know what to do. I've also thought of self-harm, but I dont really wanna do self-harm or commit suicide, but the thoughts have been prevalent in my mind anyways. 

I don't know what to do. 

Because of how I act and seem on the outside, therapists just tell me I don't really need therapy because I'm already mature enough to understand where my depression comes from, and because I have no intention of harming or killing myself regardless of the invasive thoughts. 

So basically, I'm a high-functioning depressive, so I don't need the therapy, apparently. 

But it's so hard. 

Even though I know the invasive thoughts, like that I'm worthless and pathetic, among other things, 

even though I know those thoughts aren't true, it's still really really hard not to listen to and believe them.

Especially with all the things I've been going through, not just recently, but over the course of my life. 

I don't know what to do, besides crying when I'm alone at night and telling myself the nightmares I have are just bad dreams. 

Anyways, I'm just so depressed and I needed to get it out. 

If you read to this point, thank you for listening.