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As hard as this is going to be, I'm going to try really hard to push myself to get out more(unless I forget cuz I do that). I want my old life back. I want to be able to find the girl who was super bubbly and outgoing. I'm sick and tired of my anxiety and seasonal depression controlling my life. It's getting to the point that I don't care about anything. Not even myself. That's not good! I need to take charge. If my mom can do it and my best friend can do it, then I can do it. Yea, it's going to be really really hard but I have to do it. If I keep hanging out with people, as time goes on it will get easier. Then when I am done with college and I have a job and money to move, I can move to Florida like I've been wanting to do for years now. By that time my anxiety shouldn't be an issue anymore and it's summer every day there so I won't have to worry about depression. I just need to remember that I can go home at any time, it's not like I have to stay there, esp if I get anxiety I'm sure my friends would understand. If I do it enough, I'll no longer get anxiety. Well, so I was told by a YouTuber who specializes in this stuff. I'm sure he's right on the money though because anxiety is infact a fear. Your afraid of something. What I'm afraid of, is getting anxiety while I'm hanging out with my friends (not my best friends), make a total fool of myself because I'm panicking, they don't know what to do, and I embarrass myself or I'm freaking out so bad that I can't drive home. The worst part about anxiety is that sometimes you don't know why you are scared and/or you are scared of sh*t that isn't logical but you can't seem to convince yourself that even though deep down, your aware it's not a logical fear. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enemy because I've been suffering from it for over a year now. My anxiety medication stopped working and it's a very long process for a doctor to get you off of them. It sucks ass. Yes, I'm suffering from it, but I'm still going to at least try to get out more and be the old me again. The happy me.

OMG I am TOTALLY obsessed with the show "Intervention" it's so damn interesting! It's really sad at the same time though. People doing hard drugs and stuff is terrible and hard to watch. Yea, I don't know these people but still. I have empathy and its just sad. It's even worse when they don't get better and they decide to leave rehab and go back to their old ways. 

YOU LIKE CHEMICAL BROTHERS!From back in student days. Way too much info / data .dictionary. its not text book. Endless scale practices and chord practices. I can pick which sound is interesting. Remember this is not on merchandise its industry confidential info material. Scales: C major scale starting from C 7 patterns Chords: Minor roots E A D Sus4 roots E A D arpeggio and sweep move along as well

I absolutely LOVE reading. I am obsessed with books. I will never read a book off of things like an ipad or a kindal though. I prefer the real thing and when I read from a real book I feel like I am accomplishing something by turning the pages and getting farther and farther into the book until I am done. I am currently reading the Harry Potter series. Yes, I did it backwards and saw all of the movies before reading the books, but to be fair, I was way to young when the first book came out. I remember my mom treading it to me when we were camping. I was born in 1995 sooooo yea lol! If your the type of person who likes to talk about books, then I'm a good person to talk about them with! 

So this website was really created by the guy who made MySpace?!

I admit it. I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago. I was happy, outgoing, daring, secure, proud, and fearless. Now, I can't even leave my house without getting anxiety. Even to hang out with my best friends. I can't do this anymore! I miss who I used to be so so much! If I wanted to be friends with someone I would go for it and be friends with them. Just trying to live life in general is a huge struggle for me. I am not living a normal life at all. I never said anything to anyone about the way I was acting until last night. I'm literally scared of everything. I can't date anyone because I'm mentally unstable and I can't make new friends to hang out with either because I'm terrified to do so. Not to long ago I was the girl who had a tone of friends and it was hard to keep me at home. Now you can't get me to leave the house. What is wrong with me? I'd really like to know! I'm a completely different person now and I'm always unhappy with everything. I don't get excited anymore to color my hair (which always made me happy), I don't get excited for really anything anymore because I feel like I am just existing at this point and I'm not living. Life isn't fun for me anymore. I can't enjoy anything. If nothing gets better soon, I might just say f*** it and make the really hard choice of getting admitted and have them detox me from all of my meds, and start me completely over because my anxiety meds are not working and I've been dealing with this sh*t for almost a year now. 

My facebook account because this website can frustrate me sometimes. I never had a myspace so I am new to pretty much all of this: https://www.facebook.com/lauren.koch.9277

Does anyone know how to post videos on here? Maybe you can't?

Is there seriously an option for feeling "high"? LMFAO WTF!? Day made!

I'm really glad that I went back to my natural hair color. It can finally grow out faster as well as healthy. My hair officially hates bleach! 

In her web the spider queen, Lurking silent and unseen, Stalks her trapped and squirming prey, Who tries in vain to get away. She truly is a fearsome sight, This hungry dweller of the night, Her gaping maw inspires screams, Many say she haunts their dreams. She plans and plots, her web she spins, Her wicked games she always wins, This creature, you cannot defeat, Your only course, a quick retreat. 

I remember the days when we would make random trips up to see you. The times we would sit there and play as you would sit in the chair outside just admiring your grandchildren.As the years went on the sicker you got and the more confused I got, as to why you had to carry a tank behind you everywhere you went, why you had chords all over your face and why you never smiled anymore. I was always so excited to see you though no matter your condition. I can honestly say you were my best friend. All the Christmas's spent with you and you would always have a cute gift for me.I remember all the laughs we would get together or the times I would sit at your bed and try to hold in all my tears as I knew your death was slowly approaching. But what I remember most vividly is the last time I saw you. I was questioning if it would be the last time but I kept telling myself it wasn't going to be. Sitting beside you in bed telling funny stories and watching the news, laughing nonstop and getting my cuddle time with you.  Leaving you that day had to of been one of the hardest days of my life...I remember getting in the car and holding all my tears in for that trip home and going into my room and just letting them all out. The day that will forever be the worst day of my life is the day I found out that you went up to heaven.I remember dropping to the ground in tears denying the truth. I then remember being reminded that you are much healthier now and you'll always be with me and that me being sad is the last thing that you'll ever want. I have my days where all I do is think about you and cry but I also think about you every day and smile. I miss you more than ever Grandpa and I can't wait to see you some day.

I met ye by the gallows tree,  'Twas dark and oh so late.  The town had had its fun with ye, And vented forth its hate.  I could not bear to leave ye there, Despondent and alone.  Impulsively I cut the rope,  And took ye to my home.  I let ye share my bed that night,  And Kissed yer cold dead skin.  I finally felt Id found true love,  Don't care if its a sin.  Yer beauty soon began to fade,  Yer skin began to rot.  But still my love for ye remained,  Forsake ye, I would not.    Yer bones are all that I have left,  Yer skull adorns my bed.  I think of ye obsessively, My princess of the dead. 

Tip by https://www.friendproject.net/217697go to this website: https://www.tools4noobs.com/online_tools/youtube_xhtml/Paste in the URL of the YouTube video you want to embed, click Generate Code.  It gives you the code to put where you want in your profile, forum, blog, comment or bulletin.https://www.vtubetools.com/ is a good resource too Example: Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code

I am so stressed and overworked and I am constantly behind on everything.My boss is constantly screaming at me and always finds some reason to complain and to tell me that I did something wrong.I have no idea what I should do, the realities of life are depressing.