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today i felt things (anger) since i was being a dummy that wasn't doing my homework and got interrupted when i was going to start doing it and i got super yelly at mouse on call and stuff and rose left before i got to that point and i can hardly remember what i did to do that cos i just get interrupted with anger memories. i think i was just being argumentative? and not doing anything with my time. i needed to gear myself up for it or whatever and it wasn't at the right time and i think i did pretty good with writing it afterwards and there wasn't a need to get as angry as i did which is unfortunate cos i made everyone around me sadhow much emotion feeling is normal? i cant super tell what im feeling most of the time unless it results in a physical sensation like that anger did i think but most of the time i cant put a face to an emotion name. apparently stress is any negative emotion thing (anger, sadness, fear) and not just emotions and situations that make you need to scream wordlessly (anxiety, fear)? i should maybe be able to know this definition inherently and i do not like that it is not inherent. i dont want to waste dad's money on trying to get me other therapist-like people in order to make me able to know if im feeling emotions properly since the psychiatrist is most likely useless for that and isnt trustworthy anyway and we dont see the gender therapist psychologist often enough to double dip on what skills he may have with this.after i was angry, i kind of ran out of energy and took either a half nap or a real nap - i dont remember if i went to sleep properly since i could still remember all of the MBMBaM episode i was listening to at the time. i think that the anger may have been a meltdown? it would have been due to a scheduling shift up that i was not used to or had full knowledge over what was happening with, and i guess it would lend more credence to a diagnosis befitting of it. but it just means im even more of a burden than before.dads coming home soon since blazing swan just ended, so i may be going back home. part of why he went up early was to save on food costs since he'd just be eating from the kitchen there and not buying new food for the actual house. i dont want to be a waste of money with my behaviours and stuff.i think theres something worrying about how i can stay up this late to write this and im planning on taking my meds tomorrow to do more homework too. all nighters with stimulants seem bad. this does not seem good. i dont know if ive actually got adhd or if i got it in post since i was hyperactive once at the psychiatrist's and she hooked me up right away. im useless without them now anyway, i can hardly do anything productive when i havent taken them. is that learned helplessness or an actual requirement or what?god i would like to not do like school or work things with my life. im not that sort of person, i dont think i could do that. i cant get myself hooked up with a job cos im autistic as hell re:that and i cant focus good enough to do anything productive in school all i need to do is get myself a plane ticket and a road trip to pick up rose and mouse and im all set for life

This, apparently, is my first blog post! -sPiNnLeS!!

So here I am, sitting on my couch drinking coke and whiskey, and updating my resume. I love my current job, and I know for a fact no one is going to pay me more for what I do than the folks I already work for, but I still need some extra loot. I've worked two jobs on and off for most of my adult life, so this isn't anything new to me. I do it for quite some time and inevitably get burnt out and quit one if not both jobs and start all over again. lol. The job I'm currently in the process of securing is a job where I basically drive around and take pictures of houses for thier insurance company. It's not awful. Especially since I love houses and I like to drive around aimlessly as is. It's flexible enough that I will be able to do it when I want to, so that's pretty exciting. Have a nice day!

Okay, so I haven't had time to hop on and update much of anything. Between work and breaking my phone I'm a little annoyed that things I've been obsessed with working on have been falling behind. Somehow I scored the next two days off of work, and Monday should grant me all sorts of alone time to sort things out. So yay there. Farewell

 h0p3 3v3ry0n3z hav1n fun!!! n stay saf3!!                  happy sm0k1ng uwu  

this might be a bit spoiler-y if you haven't read the most recent book, lost stars. :Ui've been reading forum posts from when only the preview was released and for some reason people really wanted shadowpaw to be a villain? i don't understand that. we don't need more evil shadowclan members to make it an interesting story, i'm tired of evil shadowclan cats. but on the flip-side i really think shadowpaw might be something different.like, he is obviously not getting his visions from starclan, and no other medicine cat (even ones like goosefeather) had seizures accompany their visions. my theory is that his seizures are due to these visions not being from starclan. no other medcat aside from him in lost stars has had any contact with starclan, and i think whoever is contacting shadowpaw chose a medcat apprentice for a reason... an apprentice wouldn't know the difference between starclan and whoever is contacting him now.i haven't finished AVOS, nor read tigerheart's shadow yet, but based on lost stars and the knowledge he's had these visions since birth... when starclan was able to be regularly contacted, puddleshine probably saw him as a prodigy and took him as his apprentice, but it was never starclan contacting him in the first place. i feel like shadowpaw wants to be the best medcat he can be, but whoever is talking to him in lost stars is actively sabotaging that. 

sealing your stupid fatewith a broken fence gateisn't it what you had planned?buying this isolated block of landwhere everyone lives farcareless to who you areand no one wants to stay after all you chose to hide away

My f***ing adorable a**hole dog bit my best freind today and I'm devistated. To be fair, she's been pushing his boundries because she thinks she can help him to be less agressiveShe wasn't harming him, he just wasn't ready to be pet by her yet and she went for it anyway. I hate knowing I'm going to have to put him down soon.I feel awful for her, although she says she's not done trying, and it's just a temporary setback.I love that she means well, she does just want to help, but I'm scared that this warning bite is going to turn into a full on attack next time. This whole situation just makes me incredibly sad. I got him  about 5 years ago. He wasn't even a year old and had already been through three owners. The breeders weren't particularly responsible and I was told that there's like an 80% chance that he was born from sibling dogs, and that the his grandparents were siblings from two different litters of pups.  The first home away from the breeders was completely unstable and ended up selling him via facebook to another .... also very unstable... owner who literally just left him at a freind's house.The third owner tried to keep him at first, but realized that there was no way he could keep  him and  offered to sell him to me, knowing I had been looking for a dog for a few months. I came and met him and fell in love but had to find the money for a rehoming fee. I wasn't able to find the money at the time, so after a week or two, my freind gave him to me as a birthday present.I had a roommate that was physically abusive to him. She had been my best freind for ten years, and now I'm  no longer freinds due in most part to the way she treated my dog.I have zero chance of rehoming him with his agression, and to be honest, I feel like putting him down might be the better option than putting him through yet another home, especially one he's been a part of for so many years. I really hope my freind is able to help him. I also hope like hell that her hand heals up well. I feel awful.:(Nighty night.

sKILL MEthod is an experimental music project by yours truly.Genre: Experimental, noise, drone, ambient. A few tracks use MIDI.sKILL MEthod can be found on Facebook.sKILL MEthodBandcamp.https://skillmethod.bandcamp.com/Soundcloud.https://soundcloud.com/skill-method/tracksAnd Youtube.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USikujMpY0o&list=PL1CsECV-3jHDZlBjxs5cY-XnW_q1lLUX5

For some reason I'm stuck on song names for blog post subjects. Okie. So anyway, today hasn't been anything special. Trying to hunt down an interweb side hustle lol. It's actually a pretty slow moving day, and I'm thankful for it. Getting a new bunny today, so that's good. The rescue is basically full at this point so it's time to either expand or start advertising so I can get some of these animals into good homes. I hate advertising though, because then I get more folks I have to properly vet and vetting sometimes takes forever. I also end up with influx of more animals and when I have no more space that's a problem. Also it requires talking to people, and I suck at that. Oui.Too many people around the last few days for me to dive into more indepth things that I want to write about. It puts me in a mood. Things to do. Animals and children to feed. Maybe later tonight. See ya

any1 3lse gett1n fr1end r3quests fr0m v1rus l00kin us3rz/gr0ups?? l1ke 1 g0t a fr1end requ3st fr0m s0me1 n wh3n 1 cl1ck3d 0n th3ir pr0f1le it just p0pped up a "Friendproject.net says: hdaswtluy3578wrih89r37refayr8f9" th1ng and?? wtf!!!

I don't think I ever imagined that I would be quoting Blink 182 via blog, while speaking of life in my thirties. My early twenties maybe, but I'm definitely not 22 anymore, although nobody likes me now either. Okay, ran that joke into the ground.Weekends at work don't suck too bad, theres multiple people to talk sh*t to, and for some reason when certain coworkers work with me, we get into discussions about our existential crises. It still sorta unnerves me, because these are people that I don't even get to hang out with outside of work usually, but yet it's comforting because it's people that I thought had things together much more than they actually do. eh. Anyway. That's about it, until I get home from the local wrestling show I'm about to attend. I don't think I've actually watched wrestling since the early 2000's lol Go figure. aloha.

I write to relieve stress. Sometimes I write constantly. There isn't an empty scrap of paper to be found anywhere in sight. There sometimes is fifty different projects open on my laptop that I have started, but not finished. I'll start on one story, and end up side routed and diverting my attention to a minute detail of the story, so much that I realize it's a story in and of itself that I have to re-write as a standalone. Usually half way through, it's gone. Most recently it seems most of my writing focuses on trauma processing. I've used writing so long to escape reality that now I'm using it to process unwelcome parts of reality that my mind has a hard time dealing with. In all honesty, it's kind of a nifty concept to grasp for me. No, I'm not going to go into specific detail of the trauma I'm dealing with, for now. One day I'm sure I'll spill gut and come out with all the gory details that have made me the .... individual.... that I am, but right now I'm going to give the very shorthand version.I'm in my thirties. I have four kids. I suffer from PTSD, BPD, and Bipolar. These things aside, I've mellowed in my old age. I used to go on these wild adventures, before the therapy, and the medication. I  absolutely detested the medication, so here I am, non medicated for the last eight years, and actually doing... somewhat well, for me anyway. I work a full time job, oftentimes working two jobs plus whatever side hustles I can get my hands on. I raise my children, one of which has autism and another has diabetes. One of my kids is actually my step daughter, so occasionally there's a little drama with that, but generally not so much. My husband is actually my second husband, He's a few years younger than me, but is definitely my fp, although I split on him occasionally (google bpd splitting, because I don't have the spoons to explain that tonight.... and now that I think about it, I don't think I have the spoons to explain what I mean by 'Spoons' tonight either. ) I've survived my own brain this long, which is oftentimes a nightmare in and of itself, but I've also survived domestic abuse, both physical and emotional. I've survived being poor for... well basically my entire life, and survived child abuse, abandonment, and neglect. I'm not going to pretend that this is going to be some sort of inspiration porn, it's not. It's probably going to be absolutely and downright depressing on a fairly regular basis.I'm not really even expecting anyone to read it. I might make a few connections to people of interest here, but who knows. Unfortunately it's time for me to crash out, Work in the morning. Adios 

Okay, So I'm part of a  ridiculous f***ton of groups on Facebook. One of them is this group called 'It's 2005 and this is cool as hell' . Someone mentioned this site there, and I decided to check it out. Not a huge issue, not a big story or anything weird. Then my brain hit this weird time warp and I went and checked my old myspace.So. Many. Pictures.  Pictures of my children as babies, except I was off myspace before my son was born. Pictures of my siblings, God I missed those pictures. Then there it was. Pictures of my abuser. I can't go back to my myspace, although I'm sure I could probably create another one. But the format is like 120% different then when I originally was super active there.I can't share things on Facebook, My family would be less than enthused to read what I have to say about... well...... anything. So... yeah. I'm fairly certain I will be keeping this mainly for the blogging aspect. Seems legit. Probably going to go delete actual photographs of myself though. Seems the safest way to keep myself half-assed anon. Yep. Toodles. 

yothis weekend is my yearly pilgrimage to my local anime convention aaa. Well it's a general nerd convention but over the years it's become very anime orientated. It's Armageddon expo in Wellington. I'm super excited. This year I'll be wearing a mahou kei outfit, as mahou kei is my favorite jfashion style. It literally just means "dressing like a magical girl" whichis what I strive to always do :'DI'm hoping to get some good merch but I'm also gonna be meeting up with some friends which is super cool. I'm just super excited. I'm gonna be packing my bag tomorrow so that on Saturday I'm all ready to leave.Maybe I should use this blog more often. It's nice to just blab on about stuff and I'm sure my twitter followers would much appreciate that I did it here and not in horribly unorganized, fragmented twitter threads :')oki well that's me for the momentRATTO-CHAN OUT*static*