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01/18/2023 06:42 PM 

January 18th 2023

I had a nightmare last night that almost made me cry.  I've since forgotten the details, but I remember that it was about my father.  He died, and all I was left with was his little newsboy cap he wears every day. I suppose that was my hint to today not being a good day. After waking up and coming to, I stepped on the scale and saw that I've lost five pounds in two days!  I knew that the way I achieved it wasn't healthy, I took laxatives without needing them the day before, yet I wanted the same results again, so I took some again this morning. Obviously, that wasn't a good idea. I felt fine until I clocked in; then my stomach started cannibalizing itself, at least that's what it felt like.  Today I was supposed to do my coworker's job since he had to be with the pest control guys.  I felt so bad this morning, as soon as I walked into the shop, I made a bee line for the bathroom.  I sat there for at least half an hour not able to make a bowel movement but in some of the worst pain I've ever been in. I was sweating so much I had sweat through my undershirt.  The pain was so bad that I ended up sitting straight with my arms on my head, that was until I fell back and nearly passed out.  After feeling a bit better, I got to work with the janitorial duties.  I went down to the janitor's office but then the pain hit again; at least this time I was able to poop.   After some more stomach pain I finally caved in and asked my supervisor if I could leave early to go to the doctor.  I really do think the only reason he let me leave was because of how long I worked last Friday. I knew what was wrong with me, it was clearly the laxatives, but I needed a doctor's note to be excused from work, so I went to a local twenty-four-hour clinic.   They believe that it might be some colon infection, but I really know what it is.  They made me take home a kit to collect four stool samples and to turn them into the local test lab as well as gave me medication to help solidify my bowel movements.  I'll put a picture of the kit below. After I got home, I went to the bathroom and just sat there with a bottle of water and sunflower seeds for a while.  During this time, I was scrolling on my phone out of boredom when I came across a listing on eBay of a doll that I've been looking for forever. It's an old porcelain doll that has one head with three faces.  It was made before baby dolls could close their eyes.  You would put a bonnet over the two faces you didn't want to show and if you wanted to change it, there would be a knob on the top of the head for you to turn the head around.  One face would usually be a neutral babydoll face, another a crying face, and the last a sleeping face.   The doll I ordered doesn't have any arms, but I find the doll more endearing that way.  Now I can make custom clothing for them when they arrive.  I'm very excited if you couldn't tell.  There will be a picture of the doll I ordered below.  If you're reading this, give me some name options for the sweetie! After a few hours of being home I collected the stool samples and turned them into the lab for testing.  Following that, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medications, and then Walmart to make a deposit at the bank. I'm not going to lie; I am not excited for work tomorrow.  I enjoyed having the day off but at least I won't have to play janitor tomorrow.

tw ed

lily ☆ flower

01/18/2023 01:11 PM 

History Fact Update
Current mood:  disappointed

Hey y'all, my history facts will not be daily, but twice a week. I'm kinda busy.


01/18/2023 08:37 AM 

Life stuff
Current mood:  weird

I'm gonna try to get used to writing actual life updates here instead of dreams only. I'll do both. I'm too aware that anyone can see this so I am hesitant to be completely open, however I highly doubt anyone will be reading this besides me. I still don't have my license because I have a large amount of autism and I'm scared. (That wasn't a joke) I'll be going to classes soon to finally learn how, and hopefully after that I will start my career in tattoo. Tattoo is probably a terrible choice for me because of the part where I'm gonna have to touch a bunch of people which is my least favorite activity but what other option is there as an artist? Probably a few but I'm kinda looking foward to being able to call myself a tattoo artist because how cool is that?As a hobby, I'm gonna join a band. I originally wanted to start a band but I'm afraid of confrontation, don't have the guts to kick someone out. But I've been sitting in my room doing nothing but art and guitar for almost a decade, and I'm dying to actually do something with it. I don't really desire to be around other people but I don't want to get old and be mad that I was never in a band. I mean, my mom is in a band. How can I let my mom be cooler than me. I'm joining a freakin band. I've been locked away in my room since I left public school in 9th grade and I'm just a bit spooked to start living normal life. I have forgotten how to do it.  I never knew how to do it in the first place, but now I have to be an adult on top of all of it. I think most of my generation feels like they're behind though so I'm not too scared for myself. I'll be alright. I've been drawing a lot so I can send mail to my childhood best friend. We used to live right next to eachother and would just walk down the road and stuff things in eachother's mailboxes so this will be fun for the both of us. I wish I could go back in time so much. I was watching hannah montana last night and I started freaking out about how long ago 2006 was. Time is terrifying. People always say it's not real but it definitely is. Also, Hannah montana is just as corny as I remember it being, but the aesthetic is unmatched. The outfits are wonderfully disgusting and I must recreate them. I've been slowly building up a hannah montana wardrobe for the last three years and I can't wait to scare the public by wearing a sequined scarf in the summer. Heres a dream I had: My legs were replaced with my brother's legs, and he's like a foot taller than me. So I had my body but these long scary man legs. Also, I had a giant growth on my back that was shaped like a cowboy hat. I was staring in the mirror at myself wondering why the hell I looked like that. Instead of freaking out and crying, I started doing the griddy. I woke up in a sweat.bye

dream, tattoo, weird,


01/18/2023 06:02 PM 


i feel like all the fun has just been sucked out of me like am still having hope for my friend on my birthday which iis not to far away just 2 days away but my mom's freind is being "protective" of her like saying i can't be around her all because of a card like she wants to use it and we did't let use it and we have to use it and let alone it doesn't work right now so she says i have to stay away i can't talk to her and am hoping that i can see my freind she is my only freind that i have like for real (tragic ik)but i feel tried i had plans and felt so excited but then that happend and said am a "bad influnece" on her just all the energy just left i hope to meet some people here that like to watch metalocalypse and crustbag and like to hang out and talk damn this just vsound like rambling now ugh well probably go now 


01/18/2023 12:30 AM 

Take Classes for It, Not Pills
Current mood:  apathetic

  my black corduroy jacket your backseat promise You say “it's not that serious”I’m on the edge of “I love you” we smell like cigarettes  but we don't smoke its second hand like my clothes like your heart You're puppeteering my thoughtsI thought this was “no strings attached”?"if i lie my way out of this,what are my chances - (of still needing you)?”If i could cover all my cornersKeep my defenses upI have my suspensions Id still claw back to you You'd say its "pathetic"but im hanging to the hopeyou'll come around to theidea of loving metell me that im stupidso i can know for sureplace your lips on minei need nothing moretell me that im stupid so i know for sure tell me that im stupid so i can know for sure place your hand in minei need nothing moretell me im stupid for the bottles on the floor!  


01/17/2023 05:38 PM 

January 17th 2023

Today was a pretty mediocre day to say the least.  Work wasn't hectic, my lover didn't come over, I didn't go to my lover's house, it was a slow day. Work started with replacing one of the phones in an office.  It's a pretty easy process; remove phone, put up new phone, take old phone back to shop, replace the broken pieces in the phone, check if it works, put on shelf when working. That's really all I did today at work.  Theo tried to chew me out for working so late last Friday but I didn't know that the company had a sixteen-hour policy on work hours.  Oh well, as long as they pay me what I'm due. When I got home, I had a few packages arrive.  One was an art piece that I bought on Esty, the other was from my aunt.  My Nana died back in twenty-twenty, she passed from covid two days before they made a vaccine. Anyways, the package contained one of my Nanan's rings.  I'm wearing it now as I type, I'll put a picture of it down below.   I received some feedback and suggestions on my demo, "Mother".  They told me that I should add some distorted screaming and that the piano kind of ruins the feeling that I'm going for.  I took part of their advice and added some screaming to it.  I didn't remove the piano simply because I like it, think it adds an eerie feeling rather than just a mental breakdown feeling.

diary, journal, life updates


01/17/2023 04:29 PM 

losing it
Current mood:  distressed

went back to school. its second semester and just found out ive been dropped from my classes and i missed the appeal deadline to be added back. im broke. my cars broke and i think this is getting close to my tipping point. idk gonna stay cool and speak with my advisor to see what i can since its the first week but GAH

rant, college, stressed


01/17/2023 10:45 PM 

Current mood:  angsty

i have a clown theme on my blog bcuz im a joke


01/17/2023 10:40 PM 

Current mood:  jubilant



01/17/2023 04:35 AM 

I need some food.
Current mood:  hungry

IM. SO. TIRED. and nauseated, I might change my profile layout cause I'm bored. I miss my partner so much, why do they live across the f***ing world? UGH, I MISS AER. SO MUCH!!!  It's okay though, I'm sending them a package soon anyways, and I'm getting one from them!! I hope that's soon, very soon. I need a hair straightener, My sister lost the one we had. I'm gonna cut this short, I'm tired and I need sleep and I'm hungry, so hungry. 


01/16/2023 11:21 PM 


feeling bored as hell might do more sh*t on my profile tomorrow but this f***ing song though Transylvanian Whore


01/16/2023 07:37 PM 

January 16th 2023
Current mood:  blah

Today was a bit of a dissapointment.  It started off with me having to wake up at four in the morning for work.  Me and my coworkers were supposed to have today off for Martin Luther King Jr. day but we ended up having to come in to move an office back to where it was before the floor people came in. I was already annoyed with this as I had to work nearly twenty four hours on Friday.  I was supposed to come in Saturday as well but, I couldn't go in after twenty two hours.   Anyways, today didn't have a great start.  Everyone had the mindset of, "get things done fast and over with" so that we could be back home by noon.  Everyone but Theo. We could have been done by noon if it wasn't for Theo.  We were moving offices so, me and my coworkers were focusing on the items that go back into the office.  Theo on the other hand was focused on cleaning windows in the hallway and taking three different twenty minute smoke breaks. My day took a better turn when my other coworker, Dan, decided to take me in on the project we was working on in the office.  He was working on re-wiring the phones and computers.  He taught me how to end a CAT-9 cable and I was pretty good at it too! We finished around one-fourty p.m.  After I clocked out I headed to my friend's work because she wanted an old blanket that I didn't want anymore. (It was a sally face blanket.) When I came home I ate some Chick-fil-a and played around on everskies.   I recently had to create a new Tumblr account so I'm trying to redo all my links and tags on there; as well as follow more people that have the same interests as me to lengthen my feed.

diary, journal, life updates

anti anti anti

01/15/2023 11:02 PM 

silly little things
Current mood:  drunk

i love being chronically online i love being a loser i love only having friends over the internet i love drinking i love smoking i love abusing my body i love choosing beauty of long term health i love being a human with selfish desires i love worldly possessions that will mean nothing when i die i love being alive and choosing my own path i love hating i love being dumb I LOVE BEING DUMB!!!


01/15/2023 10:32 PM 

Current mood:  artistic

Herez it all 2getherrr       Mai first everrr cuff     (Left to right) gloomy bear inspired, random >_< rainbow face, pride, X pink green         (Left to right again) blue purple X base cuff, green 3d, ladder stitch black purple checker         (Left to right) rainbow octopus, star necklace, rainbow flower           Rainbow chain 4 Mai studded beltz          Bvb= black veil brides Swpb= snow whites poison bite Jinxx= guitarist for black veil brides Mcr= my chemical romance Trexxx= my first ever kandi trade         Yellow, black, white, purple= non-binary flag       HOPEFULLY U LIKED IT!!!



01/15/2023 03:47 PM 

January 15th 2023
Current mood:  nostalgic

I haven't updated on here in a very long time.  I had a change of heart somewhere in the past, I thought that I was ready for recovery and tried my hand at it.  As it turns out, I was not ready for recovery.  I think I believed I was ready because I was in a relationship, I still am, and i didn't want to disappoint my partner.  My "recovery" turned into a few months long binge and me using the excuse that, "I'm in recovery" to give myself permission to stuff myself full of unhealthy and impure foods. I stopped taking my medications, I just don't think that they help me.  The only differences I can find between me on my meds and me off of them is; having a period more than just twice a year being able to loose weight easier and faster and being more emotional than before Off of my medications feels like looking at the world without my glasses; yes everything is blurry but I can see the true color of the people and things around me. I plan to be posting again as much as I posted before, hopefully everyday.   I've been trying to write in a journal but I just find it tiring as well as dangerous.  If something ends up happening and I get hospitalized my parents will go through my room and read everything I have written, where on a laptop they don't know my pin number.

diary, journal, life updates

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