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01/17/2018 12:11 PM 

Journal # 14

Last night, Kenny came home and told me he wanted me to stay the night at my parents house. I don't really understand why. He told me it was because he wanted time to himself, but I was planning on working last night and would have been out of his hair. I kinda took offense to this because I never acted like that towards him. I ended up hanging out with my friend Korri and drinking wine. We hung out for hours. I'm surprised at how well I slept here. Lately my anxiety has been horrible at night. It makes no sense to me sometimes. When I'm sleeping in my own room at my parents house I sleep really well, but when I sleep at Kenny's house, I don't sleep as good. I know it's going to take some adjusting for me to feel completely comfortable and safe there. Eventually I will get comfortable and not constantly ruminate. That could also be my problem. I haven't been telling myself to stop ruminating like I did before. I had to constantly remind myself not to do that so I wouldn't freak myself out. I get the most anxiety at night time. I think that is because I would have sleep paralysis happen to me and it scared the sh*t out of me. My mom said I used to have night terrors when I was a child. That could be it too but whatever it was it freaked me the f*** out. It's very frustrating sometimes because I won't have a single worry in the world, and then all of the sudden out of nowhere my anxiety sneaks up on me again. I just wish that it would totally go away and never bother me again. I just want to be able to go to sleep without any anxiety. I should probably leave to go back to the house so that I can spend some time with my cat. Even though I was offended when Kenny said he wanted some alone time, it was kinda nice sleeping here. It turned out to be good for me. I slept really well last night. Probably because my mom was home this time around and I felt really safe. Sometimes when I am at Kenny's house and I have anxiety at night, I have to think of my mom to try and calm myself down. I don't understand why this is, but it works. Well, for the most part. I got to hang out with one of my friends though and have girl time. That was really nice. I enjoyed spending time with Korri. We even talked about that argument that we had had a few months ago and we squashed it. When I go over to Kenny's I'm probably going to read another chapter in my book. I love reading. Reading relaxes me and I feel like I accomplish something big whenever I finish a new book. I think I am going to start making daily goals for myself. Theres this other website similar to this one and facebook mixed together and I might use that website to set myself some goals to reach at the end of each week. It would be lovely to reach those goals! F*** it! I am going to do it! Well, it's about time for me to leave and head over to the house. I want to play sims for awhile and read a book. Time for me to pack my sh*t and head back over. I'm getting kinda bored here. I'm not used to be here alone with no one around. It's super lonely feeling. Talk to you later!


01/15/2018 01:12 PM 

Sometimes, you never know until it's to late.
Current mood:  unhappy

It has been a while since, I was with someone special. I kinda forgot how it feels to kiss and hold someone special in life, I feel as if I might not remember what it feels to be loved again. I know I done wrong in my past, and i regret the actions and decisions I made in life. At times, I wonder if there is something in life I was able to do to change the actions that hurt so many. When I was younger I hurt all that ever cared, and loved me. I and burned all the bridges that I crossed. After a while I learned and regret how my life was, and became more with god and trying to make changes through time. Changes are never easy or comes over night, it is something we all must learn to live with. To forgive our own thoughts and actions, is part of it. Even though it's also good to ask for someone to forgive you. You must be able to understand, and admit to the decisions that lead to the life that you ended up with. I am lonely and feeling as if I may never find, someone to care for and love. What hurts me the most, is I see now that I might end up alone. That is why we all must learn and open our eyes, before it's to late. Because once it is, to late. That is when you start to notice, that you might never know the feeling of having someone special in life. That is when you forget the feeling of feeling, someone special holding you and kissing you and all the great things to come. If you don't believe me than, why have I forgotten what love and caring feels like? Why do I feel this pain, where someone special should be? I know because it happen to me.

Unhappy, Hurting, Pain, Broken Heart, Destroyed, Lonely

♥Jessie♥ [06.04.13♥]

01/14/2018 10:52 PM 

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Sansa Stark

01/14/2018 09:36 PM 

Don't you, dare wake me up.
Current mood:  satisfied

My favorite lyric of all time is Taco's, "Don't you, dare wake me up," from After Eight's 'Livin' in My Dreamworld.'Life is so good to me. In the good times, and in the bad times, it's so good.If it's a dream, I'll take it.And then there ARE days not so good... and if it's a dream, at least it won't go past beyond a moment... just like a nightmare.Currently listening to: Livin' in My Dreamworld - Taco


01/14/2018 08:16 PM 

Current mood:  unhappy

I wish, I had someone special in life. I am tired of being lonely, and alone. I can't remember the last time, I had someone special in life. I kinda forgot, what it felt to kiss and hold someone special in life. It's hurting me so bad, That I have the feeling, that I might never find her. I know I done so much wrong in my past, and I admit it I do regret it. But I don't regret most things I done, because over time. A few things did come my way that are worth hanging on to, but what never came my way is someone I can spend my life with, and make a future with. Sometimes I do wish, I am able to undo everything I ever done wrong, but at the same time I learned to live with the decisions that hurt me over time. At least I am honest now, that I am hurting over not having someone special in life. I hope I am able to find her soon, and be able to spend time with her

Hurting Pain Unhappy


01/13/2018 08:28 PM 

So bored >n>
Current mood:  headphones

Hey guys I'm bored so here's this. Just sitting around drawing Urushihara, I love him ahh. Dying bc I cant go out or anything. There's a snow emergency here. Not that I leave my room anyway honestly. Welp I hope no one dies of the flu bye o^o/

Boredom, drawing, anime, emo, sketch, snow


01/13/2018 06:49 PM 

Music elitists, mania, FOB fandom in general
Current mood:  bummed

Y'allas a person that deeply loves Fall Out Boy and practically kisses wherever they walk (metaphorically of course), I am pissed off. I know I'm not very relevant or whatever but like let me talk about this for a few minutes. I'd like to cover a few topics: what's a fake fan, respect in the fandom, posers, music elitists and well of course all of these are related to the new sound and ultimately: M a n  i   a.WHAT'S A FAKE FAN:I've been a fan of FOB for roughly two years, so I can't say I'm like, an encyclopedia of knowledge on this topic, but... I've seen a bunch of people call each other fake fans, and my opinion on that is that's a dumb thing to call someone else. very elaborated I knowwait, let me explain:How can you be a fake fan of something? Is that even possible? If you genuinely like something an artist does/did, you're a fan, if you don't, you're not a fan, if you pretend to like them to be cool, you're a poser. It's about as easy as that.Just because someone likes Take This To Your Grave and not Mania doesn't makes them a fake fan. You don't need to worship every single thing someone does to like, a very select amount of people can even stand the sound of Evening Out With Your Ex-Girlfriend or Arma Angelus (I personally like arma's stuff but yknow). The people who can't stand can still be like, the ultimate FOB stan. Please stop attacking people because they don't like the new sound and you do, it's annoying and completely useless and it makes the fandom toxic and divides it. vice versa.MUSIC ELITIST:As Patrick Stump has said, " Music is a thing people really define themselves with."Okay, what does that mean (in my  h u m b l e opinion) If you're a punk, you listen to like, Black Flag, Misfits or well, yknow, punk bands. If you're a metalhead you listen to like, metal music. If you're a loser like me, I MEAN, an emo, you listen to like, emo bands. Alright you get the logic.NOW, some people think that because they listen to Kvlt music, black metal and death, they're like, better persons? Edgier? Closer to the devil? I dunno man..Isn't itannoyingwhen these people go on like, youtube videos of BVB or whatever and they're like " tHIS ISN'T rEAl mETal!!!!!!! the only REAL metalheads LIsten to mayhem ALL DAY EVERY DAY and sacrifice baby goats to satan!!!111" (please don't get offended, this is for humor purposes) (don't curse me, kvlt kids, ur cool) yeah? I agree with you, it's annoying. Well it's also annoying when emo kids (unironically) trash pop music or well, whatever genre just because they dislike it. Listen, Live AndLetLiveOH, also, you're allowed to like Britney Spears and listen to Arch Enemy like, you don't need to limit yourself to one genre, you're not better for it, just more ignorant.expandyourhorizonsalso @ tttyg fans, give mania a chance, just try it.alright, much love fellow emosjust listen to any music you like the sound ofeven if its lyrics are dumbeven if the rythm is sloppyeven if it's popeven if it's Blood On The Dancefloorlet's just be nice to each other n respect people's personnal tastesp.s: I don't support people that trash on fob for doing new stuff and harrass them to turn back to the old sound, they're doing what they love, let them. ur not groovy

music, fall out boy, drama, long post, text, blog, mania, post hiatus fob, fob, fob drama, music elitism, opinion, emo, metal, punk


01/13/2018 06:33 PM 

i want friends lmao

how doesthisthing workbrvh

help, pls, i want friends, b my friend, friends,


01/13/2018 12:53 PM 

A Thrifter's guide to Band Merch
Current mood:  determined

Hi guys! As you can see by the title of this blog post, this post is a guide of how to look for band merch and other edgy kid stuff at your local thrift stores. You're probably thinking " I cAn Do ThIs MySeLf, WhY dOeS sHe ThInK I CaN't FiGuRe ThIs OuT?" Well yeah, I know you can figure it out, but my mom is one of those thriftng people that knows her stuff, and i've picked up some tricks that might help you, so if you're interested, here's my little guide. *this if from my experience, not everyone's town is the same obviously, bare with me* FIRST AND FOREMOST There are good thrift days, and there are bad thrift days, do not let this discourage you. You could find a ton of stuff, you could come out with 2 or 3 things, or you could come out with nothing. WHERE TO GO My favorite place, with most luck, is Goodwill. I reccomend going to your nearest and searching there. If you have a bigger city near you, like a more populated place with a goodwill or thrift store, those are great. One time while I was on vacation, I went to a small town weird looking thrift store and found a Blink album, and an MCR album. WHERE NOT TO GO This is from experience, but if you have a weird thrift store where most old people donate their belongings, i've never had,any luck there. I have a specific order in how I look, look at the asterisks (*) for extra detail 1st: Band Shirts. This kind of determines the fate of your trip. Meander your way down to the basic unisex ("men's") t-shirts. Start from the biggest size and work down to your size. Personally when I do this, I only look in the black and sometimes the white t-shirts, because most band merch is black. 2nd: CDs When I do this, I start from the very beginning of the CD rack/shelf, and read EVERY. SINGLE. CD. pull them out if you need to read them. If you *DO NOT* find any shirts, I still recommend doing this, though you may not find what you are looking for, there is a chance though. If you *DO* find band shirts, there is a high chance of finding music that fits your taste. 3rd: Skinny Jeans/Pants This is a no brainer, find your size, look for what you like. If you *DO NOT* find shirts or CDs, normies wear skinny jeans too, take a look. If you *DO* find shirts and CDs, same thing applies, normies wear skinny jeans, take a look. 4th: belts and shoes I rarely have luck with shoes, depending on your area, you may have luck. Keep an eye out for converse, vans, and personally I look for Doc Martens, because they are cool, but they are expensive. If you *DO* find previously stated items, Look at belts, if you find one you like, wrap it around where your belts usually sit, I have bought belts that are too small for not checking and it was a huge disappointment. If you *DO NOT* find previously stated items, the odds are slim here, but if you dont want to give up, go for it, there's a slight chance. 5th: OTHER If you've had luck, you may find other weird treasures. I've found a backpack. I habe just thought of looking in tank tops and hoodies, those are possibilities. There's my guide! Might be a bit extensive, but I really hope that this will help some of you, Good luck!

Goodwill, thrift, thrift store, guide, how to,


01/12/2018 03:36 PM 

The Definition of Emo

(Transferred to a blog post from a bulletin I posted a few weeks ago.)Granted, I've only been on this website for a few days, but this being basically a clone of old MySpace, I'm happy to see that it's becoming a hub for nostalgic emos like myself who want to revive the spirit of the mid-2000's. But for as long as I've been around the emo scene, I've seen a lot of discussion and arguing about what defines emo. And since I've seen some of that spill over onto this website, I figure I'll use this bulletin to say my piece.I started calling myself emo around the summer of 2015. If anyone were to be blamed for that, it would be my ex-boyfriend, though I think I might've fallen in with the scene anyways (more on that in a minute). But in the time since, I've gotten to learn more about emo subculture, and I've gained this understanding that it's a subculture that has fluctuated and reinvented itself so many times in a matter of roughly 30 years that it cannot reasonably be parsed or defined as a whole. Everyone has their own interpretation of emo which they're entitled to, but there's no concrete definition of it. It's not my business to tell anybody that they can't call themselves emo either. But I do feel it necessary to offer my own definition.To me, emo is a unique form of expression. I don't associate it with the stereotypes of self-harm and depression, but rather, I think it signifies a person who is in touch with their feelings in a very profound way. We're passionate about the thoughts and emotions that build us up. Emo is all about tearing away the veil to show the distorted and messed up human complex, brandishing the scars that show who we are, and being honest about it. Emo embraces the fact that we're all just lost souls roaming around in a big scary world, searching for solace and protection, searching for purpose, searching for love and security, searching for ourselves and someone else. And everything about the scene -- the dress style, the hair, the genres of music associated with emo -- is just a reflection of that, in some form. I've fallen so in love with it because it reflects my own values. And I know I'd rather be emotional than someone who feels no sympathy for anyone.Again, that's just my own interpretation of emo. I don't care much for kids today calling themselves emo or scene regardless of whether or not they actually are. It's just how they label themselves, and again, it's not my place to judge. At the end of the day, it's only a label. I just have zero tolerance for elitism in any form, and no patience for those that hold themselves to such a high standard that they believe they're a shining example of what emo is (and it wouldn't be anyone reading this, I promise). So please, let's just put an end to the debate, and learn to live and let live.

emo, the definition of emo, emo defined, alternative, scene


01/10/2018 08:30 PM 

..bad day.

I had a panic attack today.It was worse than the one I had yesterday.I felt it coming on in second lesson and I tried to ask to get out but the teacher didn't pay any attention to my hand in the air and by the time the lesson had ended I couldn't hold back my tears. I had to walk to the office and try not to bump into anyone and try not to let anyone see the state I was in, and when I got in there I just collapsed.It didn't stop for maybe half an hour - I couldn't speak or move my legs properly, I kept having spasms and hitting my head against the wall. I was in a cold sweat and my chest was so tight I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to pass out.I had to miss two lessons while the nurse gave me a lecture about how my anxiety's something I can control (it isn't) and how all I had to do was think positive. F*** OFF.I did, however, get an exit card so that I can leave the class and go to the nurse's office for a bit and calm myself down.It's so exhausting being put into fight or flight for so long every day, I can't handle it. I've been walking around like a zombie because no amount of sleep can prepare me for this. I really can't handle this anymore, I want it to go away..

anxiety, panic, vent


01/06/2018 01:34 PM 

[no subject]
Current mood:  cold

I know I don't miss her. She hurt me, she broke me. She made me feel like nothing.I miss being cared about. I miss having someone to talk to at 3 in the morning, I miss never being alone. I miss being so warm and full of light.I'm better off without her, but I feel so empty.

sad, rant


01/03/2018 07:08 PM 

The Worst Day Probably Ever
Current mood:  betrayed

SO. Obviously, by the title of this blog, you can probably tell that today I hadT H E  W O R S T  D A Y  P R O B A B L Y  E V E R  So first off, I woke up late today, I didn't have enough time to use 7 sticks of eyeliner on my face let alone 1, and i had to rush out the door. Thankfully, I DID have enough time to throw some piping hot apple cider into my Polar Camel mug, which will keep my beverages warm for a very long time (not sponsored lmao) I got on the bus this morning, with my piping hot cider, and we were almost to school. my bus takes a harsh turn, and hot cider spills on my thighs. That hurt like a Butt-cheek on a stick. The bus pulled up to the school, so i grabbed my slightly sticky cup, and walked toward the front of the bus when one of the middle schoolers was partly in the isle, and the bump was strong enough to spill hot cider all over my hands. nothing to help wake you up like burning sticky hands, right? So yeah, things were fine despite some hot liquid spilling all over, i was still pretty optimistic about the day. Then, a "friend", who i just kind of tolerate, we'll call him Nigel, Nigel comes over and sits next to me and starts complaining about how he just got rejected after being lead on for a month, like every other girl he tried to date (except for me because i told him the same day that i was romantically involved with someone else).  The bell rang for first period, and I went to French class. naturally of course, i sit in the wrong desk *Brain fart*, then when I actually get to my desk, I burn my tongue on hot cider, and later knock my knuckles on the desk really hard, by accident of course. Later in the class, I put my table's books away and crushed my hand under the books i was setting down. At this point, i knew that today was just going to be a big stroke of bad luck. I went to 2nd period, Chemistry, and i started doing the work that was assigned to me. When an office assistant came into the classroom with a note. My teacher gave me the note, and told me i could go down anytime i wanted. so i finished some more problems on our worksheet and walked down to the counselling office, where it told me to go. I get to the office, tell them that i'm here to see a Councillor, tell them which Councillor i came to see, and they send me in. Low and behold, with my luck (or lack of), i walk into the wrong Councillor's office so i walk out, explain that i was in the wrong office and that the other Councillor was with someone, so i would wait for her.  After waiting a few minutes, i look at my note, and out loud, say "wait... this note isn't even mine.". i had someone else's note. so the counselling office lady and i try and figure out who this is, and we find out that it's a teaching assistant. I started walking back to class, but my brain failed me again and i almost walked into my 3rd period class instead of my second period class. i handed the note back to my teacher, and he ran it to the other room to give it to the teaching assistant it belonged to.Basically, my bad luck ends in 2nd period, and it got better, but my day was pretty much ruined 

Unlucky, Bad day, worst day ever, it could be worse, luck, the worst day possibly ever,


01/03/2018 07:42 PM 

Hey Hey (ne ne)

If any of my friends actually show up on this blog that'd be cool 


01/02/2018 05:26 PM 

Current mood:  confused

Oh mah gawd. I AM CONFUSION! XD lol I made my account today x3 I heard more about this website over instagram (@cat_lawliet) and I wanted to make one :3 But i'm still just a little confused on how to use it XD

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