FriendProject.net

content warning: long post, mentions of bullying and s--c-de i know we talk about FOMO a lot as millenial/gen-z but i kinda want to talk about something i want to call Fear Of Not Keeping Up...or FONKU for short XD;i feel different from other ppl in my age cohort in the sense that i am fairly well off on my own but i also happen to be VERY close to my family, emotionally but also geographically. i actually have a hard time coping when i am not around them simply because they do offer a lot of support & i know they would have my back in any way (including financially) if i ever needed it...otherwise i fully support myself emotionally and financially, i do everything myself without prompting bc i prefer the feeling of being fully independent. there are certain emotional issues too that i let them touch in the past but i know if i even went there on my own it would end up hurting me.i am also highly introverted and have very few friends, the FONKU comes in when i feel like i would have a lot more friends among those i made a long time ago if i did a better job at "keeping up" with them...whatever that means...i am referring to social media, namely, since ppl tend to post a lot of their personal photos & other business on ig, fb etc....and i don't have any of these. i used to have these but i felt like a goldfish and everyone was tapping on the glass, or shaking up my water, or doing something else to make me feel weird and uncomfortable. i just don't like the feeling of having eyes constantly on my updates (not to mention having my data mined & sold without my consent n__n;)i'm sure you're thinking, you must think pretty highly of yourself to think that ppl are always looking for updates (maybe ur not thinking that but this is rhetorical lol)....in other words, ppl ghost on social media all the time, they post whenever they want whatever they want...and i guess to that end i don't have much to say, just that maybe i am a little bit traumatized by it all, maybe i got so used to social media that it became a toxic, harmful place where i started to store away parts of my personality (going all the way back to when i was like 12yo on neopets and stuff like that, 15yo i had myspace and that was my first kind of legit social media)...and some parts of that personality inevitably made ppl uncomfortable and confront me, or just outright bully me. i have had ppl pose as me on snap and stuff like that to bully others, just to name one particular instance, and that effectively ruined one of the best friendships i had in college......i almost had to switch schools in middle school bc a blog i made with my friend became password locked so that only ppl who had access could go on, to bully me and make up rumors about me.....i have been sexually harassed & (effectively) assaulted online more times than i can count.....i don't mind my family keeping tabs but certain more nosy/judgmental family members would take my fb statuses out of context and use them against me.....making suggestions to other family members that were way out of line & ended up with me being criticized in some way. i don't mind being critiqued....just BE STRAIGHT UP!i'm never trying to hear something through the vine....it's despicable in my mind that this happened to me by my own friends, or flesh and blood!it's total betrayal........it's way easier for me as a result to take a step back, affirm the promise that i have 0 social media (can we pls come up with a cute acronym for that if we haven't already? soma??) and let ppl fill in the blanks themselves, assume whoever might be out there stealing my data & pics is an imposter & affirm that i literally have absolutely nothing to hide, i would just prefer that u would talk to me face to face, call me or sms.effectively i have been unable to keep up, i can't shake the FONKU but in the back of my mind i can't help but feel as if ppl would have abandoned me no matter what (many did when i had a decently well known finsta) and wouldn't have wanted to see my content anyway.....i have toyed with the idea of doing old school yt vlogs but i am so ill at ease, i do enough work to look presentable and behave like a normal human adult on a regular basis that the thought of being some kind of ~influencer~ w an ~online persona~ makes me cringe from the inside out. i am so freaked out by strangers but i am also feeling completely let down by most of my "old friends" that it creates a restless energy & i feel like you would have to keep me at gunpoint to make me spit out some kind of ~content~ for all the world to seealtogether i feel disappointed, like ppl are totally disgusting and self-absorbed when online. which is true bc like they always say there is safety from behind a screen...."say it to my face, anon!" that sort of thing...but at the same time i know it is not fair to make that assumption.i just don't feel "safe" or like i fit anywhere in particular.i also have this awful feeling that i constantly let ppl down, even in the most superficial ways...always kicking myself for not staying in contact w ppl enough when i knew damn well they would never DM me without prompting...but how can you enforce that in a virtual place where social rules go straight in the garbage?! & when i was on ig i couldn't help but notice how other girls looked way prettier or skinnier (often thanks to facetune), or their photos were way higher quality (thanks to a newer phone). all in all i think soma just makes you feel like you are so much less than you truly are...u become ur possessions, all this upgrading for clout that comes and goes as easily as rain....i am in a place in my life where i desperately just want to feel happy with what little i have...(& i am totally happy! thanks to no soma....) & i feel like i'm just gonna carry this feeling with me forever, it sucks but i don't know how else to cope other than avoiding the trigger of soma entirely. we live in a sensitive time now more than ever. just recently i had a friend commit s--c-de and i can't help but wonder what the hell was going thru his mind, what put him in that place? i feel a little angry at this self absorbed culture...no-one is safe anymore, from our baby boomer parents and grandparents to our children...we're all just little freaked out fishes in a bowl! what even is the ocean?? it sucks!! i remember thinking isn't this cool, a place where ppl can be freely creative & express themselves? but not anymore...it all has a price tag, ur name stamped on it, or is just pure troll fodder...i think there is so much more to life and even still i have moments of beauty that i want to save, or remember later outside of my mind's eye...but i just completely despise the other ppl on soma!!!! -____-; sry for rambling....trying to gather my thoughts is hard esp since this has been brewing for such a long time.i am putting this out there maybe for a small bit of sympathy, but i have never been one to look for praise, just for feedback from others in a remotely similar situation...even if u feel totally different than i do on this, i would be so happy to hear your thoughts in regards to FONKU and how it affects ur life, or doesn't affect it, basically i just feel totally lost rn and at odds with myself & if nothing else i hope that reading this comforted you in some way, or opened ur eyes, bc i legitimately feel like this is really messed up.

and as always, innocent like roller coasters,fatality is like ghosts in the snow-and you have no idea what you're up against,because i've seen what they look like.becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws,going cascading.

"and as i let hindsight translate nightmares into reality,i begin to see myself for who i truly was:somebody desperate, somebody entirely out of their depth,somebody beyond their abilities to cope.and as i exhale out the pain, i'm digesting the severity of the depression that i felt-the extent to which it claimed a piece of me,how it's left me emotionally and painfully numb,and how, together,my faults and my thoughts prey on me like vultures,creeping from their comfortable distance,never once exiting my line of vision.and the facade i invite to amble whilst wearing my skin-he isn't me and he never will be me.and i know that i f***ed up,but i want to grow from it."

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE NOT USED DIS WEBSITE IN FOREVER!!! SORRIEZ XDD

Vindicated, I am selfish i am wrong, I am right i swear i'm right, and i am flawed but i am cleaning up so well. I seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

why do i feel like i can not breathe anymore?why does my heart race?you left me with a smilebut theres no f***ing way im waiting for 27 to join the club, because ive nothing to hold on for anymore

1. favorite magical girl show? Cardcaptor Sakura! Close runner up is Flip Flappers2. favorite magical girl transformation scene? Cocona and Papika's. I love the sparkles and the DINK sound effect when every piece of clothing appears so much3. what would your magical girl self look like? aaaa she'd have lots of different forms depending on the weapon she used I think, I've dressed in mahou kei before. She'd have a short but very poofy dress or skirt4. what kind of powers would you most like to have? A gun or wand with a similar shooting power to Chibi Usa's pink sugar heart attack5. favorite magical girl opening? The first CCS op or Re Cutie Honey hehe6. first magical girl series you watched? Tokyo Mew Mew!7. what is your favorite thing about magical girls? I love the stories and everything they stand for. Their strength and the concepts of hope and overcoming adversity. Also lesbians.8. favorite ost from a magical girl series?  Bee and Puppycat ost. it's so magical and melancholic. That series always makes me emotional 9. favorite magical girl outfit? how do you expect me to choose one?10. if you could create a magical girl series, what would it be like? A more battle based series, I like melee combat and with it was explored more in magical girls (tho I understand why it isn't). Apparently precure bas a lot of dbz type combat, I should rlly get onto it but hh so long. 11. favorite magical girl friendship/relationship? URANUS AND NEPTUNE!! also papika and cocona, hobey and nat-chan and tomoyo and sakuraaaa12. best voice acting? pff idk13. if you could pick any familiar, which one would you have? (existing or create your own!) my puppy Hamster! I'm considering blinging a dog collar for him to match a choaker with me14. favorite episode of a magical girl series? idkk,, probably the dementia ep of flip flappers, I cried so much15. what magical girls do you admire and why? Sakura, she's just so strong and wonderful, I love her!! Also Bee, I relate to her a Lot and I hope one day I'll be as strong as her.

it's not really your faultit's just years of placing rocks one by one on top of each otherand a sudden gust of wind could knock it over.i'm wondering why you can never be kind to memaybe i just have one of those faces that makes you want to dangle hope in front of it and snatch it away when i get too close.next shooting star, please wish for a heart because i can't keep talking to statues.my therapist says humanising inanimate objects is bad for my health. but it's hard to shake a nine-year-old habit.the tidal waves try to drag me down but my head bobs in the water.one more crash and i might be sleeping with the fishes.abby x

Friday. A wonderful day. A day to wash some pain away. But forever i know it will never fully go away. For some are broken and can't be fixed. Unless you find one who cares for you. and will never fade from your life. Which is hard to do considering people like to judge. Like to make fun of.  Like to call names. And love to hate you. It's a rough world. From childhood we always said we will never hurt ourselves or be positive or happy all the time. Boy were we wrong. To all those self harming and are thinking of suicide please talk to someone. It's not to late It's never to late.

       Omg! I f***ing hate painting my nails. Every time I paint my nails I end up f***ing them up during the drying process. I got this really pretty pink nail polish and I ended up messing it up. So f***ing annoying. I want to start painting my nails more though. The more I do it, the more practice I will have. With the more practice I have, the better I will get at it.       My boyfriend has been in such a pissy mood lately. I can''t f***ing stand it. He's constantly creating pointless arguments when he comes home from work. Like, leave that negativity elsewhere because I just got out of jail not that long ago, and now all I want to do is be happy and not argue anymore. I need to cleanse myself of anything bad. I don't want to sit there and argue, so a lot of times I just ignore him. I am no longer going to feed into is negative ass bullsh*t. Always wanting to start arguments is a really bad habit that he has. It's really childish and immature. I'm getting to that age where I don't want to deal with that type of sh*t. I just want my life to be peaches and roses.        I'm so happy that tomorrow is Friday! That means that we will be getting more weed! Thank god! I am a much happier person when I am high. Weed makes me want to be the best version of myself. I don't get mad as easily and I just feel really relaxed when I am high. I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing could ruin that. I am a happier and more normal person when I am smoking weed. I have a sense of peace with the world. I feel happy when I am high as sh*t. I just want to enjoy it.       I did some stuff around the house today. I still have to do a few things, but for the most part, I did a pretty good job. All I really need to do now is the dishes that have been soaking in the sink for a few days. I am trying to get on top of that. If I don't do several dishes a day, I will end up with an extremely messy kitchen and I hate that sh*t. I used to be very into cleaning the apartment, but once we were more than half way through winter, I started to get really lazy due to being depressed. The spring weather must be f***ing with me or something because when it is really nice outside, I always want to clean the house. If it is nasty looking outside like it has been, I notice that I have a lot less motivation that I do when it is nice out. My boyfriend really doesn't do sh*t because he works all day so I am expected to clean the house, but it is very frustrating when I take the time to clean the house and he messes it up a day later. It is so f***ing frustrating! It's not hard to pick up after yourself and throw any trash that you have away. He usually trashes anything he touches. I mainly focus on cleaning the kitchen, my bedroom, and the bathroom because I don't go into the living room very often. I don't like the way that it is set up, so I don't usually sit out there anymore.        I am so tired. I am probably going to take a short nap before my boyfriend gets home. I worked really hard today. I accomplished a lot today, even though it was nothing super hard or crazy to do. I am so tired. I love sleeping. Sleeping is just the best thing ever esp when your super bored and you don't know what to do with yourself.  I know I haven't really typed much this time around, but thats because I am getting tired now and I just want to go to bed. I am so tired.

I saw an Angel soaring through the clouds & skySoaring threw the sky at an angleDiving downTo the groundAnd to my surpriseWhat did I seeWas that she was headed straight for meShe looked oddly familiarLike I saw her somewhere once beforeAnd it struck me to the coreBecause I never saw an angel beforeThen she spoke in such a loving & calming voiceShe said..."You have not been very goodYou're not behaving like you shouldI must tell you that you have a choiceEither turn your life aroundOr face the Devil's soundAn eternity undergroundGod loves youI wish I could make you seeThat he has done a lot for you out of his love & glory"Then she said..."The great Lord sent me to tell you thisBecause you're headed down the wrong pathPlease turn your life aroundSo you don't face God's wrathBefore I leaveYou get one wishAnd God will grant itWith pure bliss"So...My wish wasFor my Mom to turn her life aroundAnd get off the drugsTo be the woman she once wasThen the angel flew offBut before she was too far away to hearShe said..."Just remember.God will show his loveWay up above""One last thing I will tell you isReach in your pocketYou'll find a locketThen you will know who I am"So with that she was goneAll that was left from up a farWas a beautiful shining starAfter I got homeStill in shock and dismayThat God had sent an angel my wayI reached in my pocketAnd found the locketI looked insideAnd found a picture of my sisterI was shocked.For I have really missed herNow I know she is somewhere peaceful & safeAnd that made me feel betterSo better in factThat I must go for nowBecause I have a life to changeAnd that life is mineand mine aloneI've got to command the demons out of my lifeBecause it's my ownOnce I'm changedIt will be for the betterInstead of sitting in jailSome time laterI will break the chain that has been handed down to the next generationAnd bring some liberationA liberation of peace and harmonyBecause this life is a new lifeAnd it's worth celebratingBy Daniel McGuire  

it was fun yet boring because the music was not very cool (i'm not a fan of country music sorry to offend if you do) yet some class mates and i were screaming and yelling and making a scene because we wanted to have fun. We screamed the names of fruit and did fortnite dances and they sucked because i had to learn them in like 5 seconds lol. I was okay though and tomorrow i won't be on till later because i have a field trip. Bye

according to amazon, autistic adults don't exist! every pair of headphones meant for people with sensory issues are meant for children with sensory issues. i am eighteen, i have the body of an eighteen year old, i am an adult and i have autism! i have extreme problems with noise and more often than not require my headphones when going somewhere.i am just ranting because i bought a new pair i thought was going to be better than my current pair. it was listed as a pair of noise blocking headphones for adults with autism! they came today. they were toddler sized. 

Being 13 now is weird it's like being a kid and a young adult at the same time iv'e updated my real look i will post a pic later.

idk wut to say lulz :P