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01/14/2023 11:57 PM 

dumb lil ranty rant

Sometimes I get a little bummed out thinking about how my relationship with my fiance started. I have to constantly have this war with myself when I think about it because I battle back and forth. On one hand, I love that our relationship was built on friendship first. I think it's a healthy way to enter into this mutual feeling. I was going through a lot when we started to talk and he was there for me as a friend. Over time, we started to build this connection and decided that it needed to be explored. However, I hear stories he'll tell sometimes about other girls that he tried to be with and how it usually started with an initial attraction and sometimes I wish that could be me. I feel like our relationship started with me being interested first, as it usually does. I wouldn't necessarily say I had to chase him, because we kinda did start to fall for each other at the same time, but I would say that I was the person who fell deeper a little quicker than he did. I just sometimes wish that maybe he felt "damn, this girl is really pretty and I wanna get to know her more." or something like that. I know that thought didn't really occur. It's dumb, but dammit man, I wanna be objectified! I wanna be chased. (within reason of course). Of course, though, I do love that maybe this is the exact reason we started off so much stronger. The connection we have is much deeper than surface level, so I'm not actually mad about it or anything. I just think about it sometimes and I hear him talk about his past where he tried to flirt with people and ask for girls' numbers or use cheesy pick up lines on them and I never really got that.


01/13/2023 09:03 PM 

Part 1 of The Distance Between the Unfathomable Truths of Human Experience

Human experience is an everlasting moment. We try to define it, identify it, find the words for it, yet these all fall short and ultimately confine it to something smaller than it is. Everyone who has ever existed will claim to experience life yet it is only in very brief moments do we find another individual that is experiencing something even vaguely comparable to our own. To prove something through science is to be able to replicate it repeatedly- so how do we prove to each other and ourselves what it means to be a living human soul when this experience is so indescribable. I've spent hours searching for words that do not exist, so in my search to prove this feeling and experience I have lived so briefly still, I have created art.  In my collection of poems to which I title, The Distance Between the Unfathomable Truths of Human Experience, I try to encapsulate moments and feelings through whimsical imagery and impossibility that I will be writing and recording here as an essay for my poetry final..  Art is one of the timeless inherent aspects of human kind. It sets us apart from animals. It is our message to the future and our eyes into the past. It is through art and human creation can we prove our existence and experience. Where words and explanations have always fallen short, art has filled the gaps.     Fleeting   If this is all I may have, Then I am willing- To cradle this sunbeam at noon. I’ll entwine this beam Between slender, silver fingers- And stroll with it Hand in hand, Till half-seven  Toward an evening in June. I will swim through the water To the moon- On shiny beams, My crystalline barque; A celestial dream. For a moment, I’ve caught the tide- And cup a crescent lune. If this is all I may have- Then I am willing. Fleeting glimpses  haunt new fevers And obscured reflections In rippling, kaleidoscoping  moments That shift  at the touch of my cradled fingers. Grasping at the untouchable passage, In this quiet respite- I’m handed a sunbeam from you. In my poem, “Fleeting,” I try to convey short, sweet moments. Whether it be obvious things such as love, beauty, or some very specific moment that has brought joy. The inherent mortality of all things is bittersweet; which I describe through the metaphors of cradling the unphysical sunlight, or a reflected moon. Moments are beautiful- however ungraspable. I was similarly inspired by an untranslatable word “Saudade '' which is a Portuguese word describing a longing or nostalgia for something passed, or nonexistent.  Moments are brief and beautiful and we find ourselves looking back more than looking toward. “If this is all I may have, then I am willing” is my peaceful declaration of acceptance. Moments are brief and I am gracious to them. I compare this to a movement in time, in which I “stroll with it, Hand in hand, Till half-seven Toward an evening in June,” symbolic of going with these human moments as they happen, and as the poem progresses from noon- to evening- to night. This gradual closing of moments I am expressing is reiterated in “for a moment, I've caught the tide” and  how I can only keep up as they come because the tide will pass yet again.  The last nine lines of my poem are where I bring together the mood I want to tell. Initially, it was meant to be a sad and aching feeling of lost time haunted by memories. Yet, I remembered that this is a continuous living cycle. As I sat at my desk, I exhausted myself at how I could possibly create the most important part of my poem since I started it- which is ending it. My best friend waddled over to me from their corner in the room to show me the most ridiculous, and silly video. Suddenly the moment started again, and it was complete.   

Poetry, poems, philosophy


01/13/2023 11:36 PM 

daniel's monthly
Current mood:  electric

january's monthly is going to be my most involved and probably detailed monthly yet. i just have so much to talk about! i also want to start the new year off strong by making sure i get my monthlys in because, well, they're daniel's monthly. MY MONTHLY!i just want to start off by congradulating us all into the new year. my jan 1st was spent, oddly enough, being on the phone with a new friend i had met on the 25th of december. his name is fabian, he's 15, (turning 16 in may) austrian, bilingual, a history buff and plays the piano casually. when i tell y'all i am absolutely OBSESSED WITH HIM?? he's like the best guy friend i've ever had. he understands me so well.. he respects my name and pronouns and identity, hes confident in himself, he's literally the best. my literal male twin flame!i met him on discord (yea, i know, you can laugh now.) and since that day he's been the sweetest friend to me. hes so supportive! we have a pretty special relationship that we've developed from casual talking, but it all started when i stayed up all night for his austrian new year. it's called "silvester" and we were on the phone talking and playing games together for hours. we laughed and had lots of fun! he taught me so much about european culture and history, i feel like i've learned so much and we haven't even known each other for that long haha.austria is 6 hours ahead of me, so when it was 12 am for me it was 6 am for him. he was so tired but he stayed up for me. we shared secrets and whatnot with eachother, it was really special. he has the kindest soul ever and i feel so attached to him, especially when my 2022 wasn't the best. since that day on januarary 1st we spent every day on the phone together. winter break ended sadly enough and we had to go to school. since the timezones aren't synced, hes usually done with the school day by the time i wake up and he's sleep by the time i come home from school. it's sad, but me and fabio still find the time to talk. we're so intertwined within each other's lives, i've been nothing but happy the past 3 and a half weeks. fabio, i love you so much :{ so glad we met each other.  now, moving on from fabian..i finally have a piano class on my schedule for this new semester, so i'm slowly learning more and more. it's very difficult being in 2nd semester piano but i feel like im trying my hardest. i also have 6th period lunch with berry for the first time! with this first week of school in the new semester being finally over after today, i have had time to reflect a lot over what i think about all  of my classes as a whole and i think, i have to say, that i f***ing hate some if not most of the teacher changes. i stayed with the teachers i despise the most and changed some of my favorites. ITS SO UNREAL.. sometimes i hate this f***ing school LMAO godits hard to admit but .. ever since meeting fabian i've been a serious discord mod. in fact, ever since i joined berry's server in november getting on discord has been a routine of mine every day. i sound like a mod and i actually am a mod in berry's server so maybe that's a bad thing? either way im somewhat happy.  alright!! time for music and art sharing!  i'm gonna start including some songs of the month along with my monthlies and also a song that i haven't been able to stop listening to. january's song is... drum roll puhLEAASE....   i want a snake by awesome snakes!!'s kind of a short punk rock song and it's so addicting to listen to. if you have a chance, i highly reccomend giving it a listen. also! i've been playing tons and tons of life is strange 2 and skate 3, but honestly my love for both games is a discussion for another day. this blog is long enough lmao.alright! time for art! that's it! bye for now!- daniel


01/12/2023 12:23 PM 


i left my server and no one noticed


01/11/2023 11:47 PM 

A little about me
Current mood:  calm

Age: 22.Pronouns: she/her.Place: Sweden.Languages I speak: Swedish & EnglishLanguages I'm learning/want to learn: Italian, German & LatinCurrent occupation: university.Aesthetics I like: fairycore/fairygrunge, hippie, diy punk, some alt, some y2k and scene (mostly the clothes and stuff).Favorite band/s right now: Rammstein, Ghost, Bad Religion, Greta Van Fleet.Favorite animals: birds, dogs, chinchillas, ferrets & ratsSense of humor: silly and to some extent offensive.Favorite TV shows: Breaking Bad, South Park, Ash vs. Evil Dead & Stranger ThingsFavorite movies: the first Alien movie, the first two Evil Dead movies, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Knives Out.Favorite books: Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus by Mary Shelley and MAUS by Art Spiegelman.Other hobbies: crocheting and sewing (even though I'm not good at it, lol), learning more about politics and history.My goals: practice more self care and be healthy.People who can befriend me: people 18 and older, LGBTQ+ folks and intersectional feminists.People I dislike: fascists, racists, misogynists, homophobes and transphobes.I might update this as time goes on.      

about me, hobbies, aesthetics


01/11/2023 08:16 PM 

Current mood:  amused

big poop sh*tits almost the end of the week


01/10/2023 10:36 PM 

lonely ig

i need friends, but idk where to go or what to do. i have resorted to this site, with little info on it.but, a little about me ig:i go by Mangomy pronouns are he/they/iti am gay, poly, trans, and acemy hyper fixations currently: furries, roblox, FNaF, animal crossing new horizions, and more.i like cats~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~if you wish to talk to me for whatever reason, use my discordMango the messy gay#4528have a good day n stay safe. -Mango


01/10/2023 03:17 PM 


yall im gonna make my new presentation nice n freshaint like i just threw it together 


01/10/2023 10:06 PM 

piss poosh
Current mood:  evil

kinda wanna camp out in the school bathroom til its time to leave.


01/10/2023 07:15 PM 

i thought i loved you, it was just how you looked in the light

better off against worse for wear. i like the illusion; i like the magic that wears off once it's beyond six o' clock. the shadows that elegantly frame your face during dawn, your sincere gaze that follows smog-covered city lights and your hushed whispers that yearn for the present to be extended. the warmth that only lasts for mere moments, the gentle stir in your voice when there's the shyest hint of a fluster in your system. this is the de-facto arrangement to end all de-facto arrangements. lace my feelings with uncertainty and come up with a recipe for some omnipotent, cerebral form of stockholm syndrome. both blissfully aware of the fleeting joys brought by ephemeral intimacy, because it's easier to take a shortcut than cross mountains to get to its benefits. even the jury knows what we have has sent me into a flurry. into a hazardous spiral of a blizzard that makes me take one step back every time i take three forward. maybe it's just the years coming into shape, calling you forward. my clocks lag behind the ones in your world, or so i think.

kid named agent

01/10/2013 11:06 PM 

completely unreadable hacker manifestio
Current mood:  cultured

==Phrack Inc.== Volume One, Issue 7, Phile 3 of 10 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The following was written shortly after my arrest... \/\The Conscience of a Hacker/\/ by +++The Mentor+++ Written on January 8, 1986 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering"... Damn kids. They're all alike. But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain, ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him? I am a hacker, enter my world... Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me... Damn underachiever. They're all alike. I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it. "No, Ms. Smith, I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..." Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike. I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me... Or feels threatened by me... Or thinks I'm a smart ass... Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here... Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike. And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is found. "This is it... this is where I belong..." I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to them, may never hear from them again... I know you all... Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike... You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at school when we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us will- ing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert. This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals. Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for. I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike. +++The Mentor+++


01/09/2023 07:02 PM 

catholicism f***ing sucks

I love Nathan, I love who he is as a person, but I'm starting to have doubts that creep up consistently. As we're spending time here with his family, I have to constantly remind myself that his views and his family's views, while similar, are different. They're very orthodox catholic, whereas I'm not entirely sure he should even consider himself such at all anymore. Sure, he has faith and goes to church, but many of the things that make somebody a Catholic vs. just generic christian don't apply to him. He cusses all the time, his family doesn't eat meat on Fridays whereas he doesn't really care about that rule, we sleep together in the same bed and have sex. All of which his family is against. We don't do "night prayers" or attend mass nearly as regularly a week as his family. Now obviously, I understand that there's a difference between being orthodox like his family is and being a regular person like he is, and that that doesn't necessarily dictate whether or not somebody actually is Catholic. There's a lot more that goes into it, sure. But it does beg the question: why are you Catholic? Is it because that's how your family raised you and you don't know anything different? Or maybe not that you don't know any different, but more that you choose to align with the denomination you've known your entire life? I just can't help but wonder and constantly question, if so many of the "Catholic values" go out the window when your family isn't present, why consider yourself Catholic? It's frustrating because a little over a year ago, he broke up with me over our difference in religion. I'm atheist, you could say. More so agnostic in terms of genuine belief that there is or isn't a god, but atheist in that even if there is, it doesn't dictate how I live my life. Catholicism, from what I've seen, is a lot about rigidity, hierarchy of the church and self restraint. He doesn't do many of those things in his day to day life if at all. We obviously did finally get back together because he decided that it wasn't worth the heartache and pain, we still loved each other very much and it was stupid to be apart. I fully accept that he believes what he believes and I simply don't. I believe we can co-exist with each other and honestly, live a fairly happy life together in the same way that we have now. It truly is that simple. Of course, there are struggles, but we are happy.The topic of our wedding, though, has been a big one on my mind lately. And even later than that, the possibility of children. There are many things that are required of us before we actually "get married" (because we are legally married as of July 1st). We have a meeting on Wednesday with his priest from here in Florida to get started on marriage prep/classes and to discuss more of the details surrounding our wedding, but I'm fairly certain there are things we don't want to budge on. The problem is, I'm also even more certain that those things will be thrown out the window because of what is required of him through the Catholic church. Has to be in a church, has to include a mass, etc. I've expressed these grievances to Nathan a million times, that I don't think it's fair that I have to continue to compromise and make myself uncomfortable on a day that's supposed to be about both of us and his response is always "you knew what you were getting into." But actually, that's not fair nor is it entirely true.When we got back together, of course I was concerned. The entire reason that we broke up in the first place was because he was convinced that there would be a problem later on in life. I didn't choose to end it, he did. Of course I always wanted to stay with him, though a part of me did start to ponder on that as we were separated. I wouldn't say I got over it or that it hurt less, my heart was definitely broken, but I did start to come to terms with it. Maybe he was right, maybe we weren't meant to be because of those differences. While ultimately, it was both of our decisions and I'm not trying to throw him under the bus by saying this, I would say that it was his decision to get back together. I never swayed on how I felt and if he had said that we were to remain broken up, that's how we would have remained. He decided that the reason for us breaking up wasn't a good enough reason and we would be able to work it out. He made that choice, I can only assume because he figured there were things he'd be able to get rid of. My stance never changed. I am not religious, I choose not to participate, but I respect his choices and his faith and love that for him. Whatever it is that makes him who he is, I love that for him. It's just not for me. I am who I am because of choices I've made and beliefs that I have. It's not fair to me, in my mind, to have to constantly be the one to compromise and constantly be the one to have to bend and force myself to be a part of things that I do not want to be a part of. However, that's what is expected of me. It's frustrating because I can never get a clear answer out of him in terms of what he wants, what he cares about, etc. On one hand, he'll tell me that there are certain beliefs that he has about how dumb it is that something has to be done a certain way but then also seem irritated at me when he's willing to throw his hands up and accept it whereas I am not. "I want to do things the right way for my faith" is what I get sometimes, but I also know that he doesn't really feel that things need to be done that way. He's said a ton of times that no matter where the ceremony is done or in what exact way, God is with us. But now I have to bend even more and even more. And when I express to him that I don't find it fair that I constantly have to do the bending, his response is "because you don't have a belief system." And sure, I don't. That's kinda the whole point. I live as a free person with no restraints. But that also doesn't mean I have to be uncomfortable simply because I don't put those restraints on myself. Why is that fair, just because I don't believe, that I have to bend and not do things the way I want to do them? Then the topic of kids came up. His mom leaned over to him at some point during the trip and said to him "I hope she knows you guys will have to raise your children Catholic." To which I also have an issue. There are some aspects I've already bent on like having them baptized. I was against it at first, mostly just because I wanted it to be their choice later on in life, but I've also come to accept that it really doesn't matter. If they choose to feel a different way when they're older, then it won't really matter in the grand scheme of things that they were dunked in some water, whatever. If they want to attend church at some point and make the choice on their own that they believe, cool. I'm here to accept whatever decision they make. But and however, I don't enjoy the idea of indoctrinating children who don't exactly have the ability to fully grasp critical thinking and never really letting them sway away from it. I've seen kids fighting going to church, I've seen his own brother (who is about 10-11 years old) not want to participate in the things that his mother seemingly forces on them. None of these kids know any better. Hell, even Nathan himself has said that they lived such a sheltered life here that it wasn't until he got out of their grasp and into another state that he started to really experience life. He's able to live freely, he's able to be his own person and some of those rituals of Catholicism fall away. That's my entire point. I'm just... I'm at a loss and I start to feel so incredibly torn over whether or not this is going to work out. I fear being heartbroken all over again, just now at a larger scale. I love him, I truly f***ing love him. But I want to be respected, I want compromise on both sides. Because it feels like I keep bending and bending and soon, I'll lose my enitre f***ing sense of identity and look back at the last few years of my life and wonder where I went. I don't want that. I want to look back on these events, like my own f***ing wedding, with fondness. I want to remember how lovely it was, I want to remember my vows, I want to remember being happy and joyous. I don't want it to feel like I'm just following an obligation so that we can sleep in the same room without judgment. I'm not sure that I'm gonna that that... I dunno.


01/09/2023 01:34 PM 

no minors please
Current mood:  okay

I am not here to talk to minors if you are a minor please do not try to contact me. I am an adult, I will not accept minors. I will block scammers or anyone that I suspect is a scammer. I hope everyone has a good week, stay safe, warm, and hydrated!


01/09/2023 03:18 PM 


you know i totally forgot this existed for a long while. cool forum concept may i say


01/08/2023 08:45 PM 

A few ways to customize ur outfits!

1. TIE DYE!!!! Get an old white shirt and tie dye it :D u can easily find sum cheap tie dye :) Here’s sum I found on Amazon only $8 *BUT please try seeing if there’s a place near you that’s not problematic to buy from and also doesn't harm animals or anyone and is cheap* 2. Make patches! You could make sum for ur favorite bands or you could make them based on a saying like eat the Rich feed the poor :) 3. Making accessories can make ur outfit look SO kewl x3 I have a chain I made out of beads! (Ur choice of color) take about 20 beads and but them in string then tie it then you’ll make another and tie it to the one u just made! Repeat until it’s as long as u want :) 4. CRUST PANTS!!! I luv these sm! They’re basically pants covered in patches and stuff :) usually it has similar patches as #2 but crust pants patches r usually homemade while battle jackets are often bought *both have homemade patches usually just crust pants are mainly JUST homemade but sum r bought too* 5. Cut up some panty hose! I did this and I was able to make some fingerless gloves!  6. Iron on transfer paper! Usually only no more than $10 and you can copy an image onto the paper then iron it onto a shirt! You can make ur own band merch XD  7. Kandi! It’s looks so cute when u finish no matter if it’s a cup or a single :)   Hopefully u enjoyed!


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